The best part of the season is here!
The drama is heightening! The cattiness is starting! The claws are starting to come out! People’s eyes are getting scratched out! It’s gettin’ scrappy! Someone’s gonna have to hold someone else’s errings!
What could be better?! …Nothing, that’s what—well, except our recap breaking it all down:
What’s the difference between a regular old reality show and a national phenomenon? Twitter traffic, of course. No Monday night Bachelor-viewing session is complete without perusing Twitter for instant analysis and opinions of the 27 contestants who are vying for love. But who has time to comb every inch of the web for the wittiest comments? We do. Here they are, in one neat little package.
Want more Bachelor Burn Book? Follow us on Twitter @bachelorburnbk. We live tweet during every episode and offer our insights throughout the week on all things Bachelor-related.
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Full disclosure: Sunday was almost too much for us to handle.
Between the Grammys and the WEDDING OF THE YEAR, Sunday was exciting, to say the least. We nearly broke the caps lock buttons on our phones and anyone that browses the “Recently Used” portion of our phone’s emoji section will find that we abused the hyperventilating, crying and dead emoji options.
Long story short, one day we will trick some poor, unsuspecting men into marrying us and when that happens, we will be very excited. We might not be as excited as we were to see Sean and Catherine get hitched, though. Only time will tell. Until then, we can only write a recap of their journey to wedded bliss so we can relive it over and over and over.
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Whew. We are all tuckered out from Sean and Catherine’s wedding!
With all the talk about grown sexy, the Honeymoon Suite Cam and more grown sexy, we need a break from this show for like, a hot second. We’re tired, mildly hungover and now frantically worrying if we will ever find a husband as perfect as Sean Lowe. It’s mentally exhausting. But ABC demands a lot of Bachelor Nation, so we gotta get focused and get ready for tonight’s episode of The Bachelor instead.
So, since all of you, like us, are probably spending today worrying whether you’ll ever find a husband like Sean Lowe, we’re here to help you take your mind off that for a few hours. Rather than freaking out over your love life, ponder over our Week 4 Burning Questions instead—because, honestly, we all know what’s more important here … The Bachelor, duh. You’ll figure out the whole marriage thing eventually.
You can always count on The Bachelor to bring some knowledge to your Mondays.
Yes, you read that right. We just said The Bachelor is educational. Por ejemplo, last week, we learned that life is actually about straddling people. This was news to us. Thankfully, Victoria dropped that gem on us, and now, we need not contemplate the meaning of life. This week, we learned that if you take 21 and subtract three years from it, you get 18. That was drilled into our brains by Cassandra, the former NBA dancer math teacher.
You know what else we learned? A long intro for this week’s episode wasn’t necessary. Chris Harrison didn’t do his standard monologue to open the episode, and if C. Harrizzle (that’s our nickname for him, word) doesn’t need an intro, neither do we. So here we go, it’s recap time!
It’s like Grace Potter and Kenny Chesney always say, “One (episode of the Bachelor) is one too many, one more (episode of the Bachelor) is never enough”.
Seriously, one two-hour episode is usually too much for our little brains to handle. So adding a bonus Sunday episode is not only sending us into a colossal tizz, it’s also giving us a hankering for something just insane, like a 24-hour Bachelor network or something. We love the Bachelor so much, we were one of the 12 people to choose it over the Golden Globes (don’t worry, we watched the GGs on DVR, so we still have something to talk about at the water cooler). Not only that, but we watched the whole thing AGAIN in order to write this recap.
If that’s not dedication, well, you can’t sit with us.
Remember how Tierra couldn’t control her eyebrow?
We can’t control our excitement over this season of The Bachelor. Seriously. You know how it took us until Wednesday night to write this recap? That’s because we’ve actually been talking about The Bachelor for 48 hours. There was so much crazy, so many tears and so many mentions of the “journey” and all the other Bachelor words that we just. could. not. even. Anyways, the 48-hour hiatus resulted in nearly 2,000 words of musings about the beginning of what is surely (according to Chris Harrison, at least) the most dramatic season of The Bachelor ever.
So, without further ado, we give you the first legit full-episode recap of the season. Let’s just say, our journey of following Juan Pablo’s romantic journey (and impending assassination attempt) begins right now.
Hola, y’all!
About this time every year, we, as a nation, settle in for another season of watching drunken 20-somethings (and the token 30 year old) stumble their way to pseudo-stardom on the Bachelor. As we watch, we ask ourselves, between chugging wine straight from the bottle and ushering chocolate chips into our mouths two-by-two as though they’re animals heading for Noah’s Ark, “Where on God’s green earth do they find these people?”
Well, worry no longer, because the dear, dear producers at ABC decided to SHOW US how they find these people. The answer? They don’t have to find them at all! The crazies come out of the woodwork and voluntarily offer to have their crazy broadcast on national television to judgmental women who have access to the Internet and can effectively TELL THEM HOW CRAZY THEY ARE! America, everybody.
So, without further ado, here’s our first recap of Juanuary and, we guess, our first recap of Juan Pablo’s love story.
Today is the day! Get out your wine glasses! Prepare a feast! Call your friends! Kick your men out of the house for the evening! Hide yo kids! Hide yo wife! Because The Bachelor is back!
To kick off the celebration of this glorious day in Juanuary, we present you with our three Burning Questions for tonight’s premiere. If you are new to Bachelor Burn Book or have never read our Burning Questions segment, allow us to explain how it works … there are three Burning Questions. The end.
Enjoy!
Well, readers, this is it.
It’s the final edition of the Glen Cocos (and the final regularly scheduled post) of this season. But fear not, because something as silly as a hiatus isn’t going to slow us down. We’ve got some cool stuff planned for the break and we hope you’ll keep reading along as we prepare ourselves for Juan Pablo’s season. Until then, though, we’ve got one more batch of Glen Cocos to hand out. If you’ve just joined us (Jambo! Better late than never!), here’s how they work:
Basically, The Glen Cocos are a rotating awards system. We’ll make up a bunch of random awards and hand them out to people each week. Some will be serious. Most of them will (hopefully) be funny. In your mind’s eye, picture them being handed out by Chris Harrison dressed in a Santa suit.
Bachelor Burn Book 