Whatever the Heck We Want: The Bachelor Time Machine

In case you haven’t noticed, we really like things that are funny here at Bachelor Burn Book headquarters. Funny movies, funny TV shows, funny one-liners, we like ’em all. We would rather laugh than cry ANY DAY … unless of course, we’re crying from laughing, in which case we would pick crying over laughing and now we’re confused.

Anyway, we were laughing so hard during Andi and Kelly’s impression of Clare during this week’s episode. We didn’t cry, but we just laughed really, really hard. All that laughing got us thinking … what if Andi and Kelly were on every other Bachelor/Bachelorette/Bachelor Pad season? What if, for every awesome, hilarious, ridiculous moment in this show’s history, they were there, badly impersonating the contestants on this show? How awesome would that be?

The answer? Pretty dang awesome. While we can’t actually put them in a time machine and send them back to seasons past, we can make a top five list of moments we’d like them to impersonate, so that, if by some miracle of God, time machines ever do get invented, we wouldn’t have to waste time coming up with possible destinations. See? We plan ahead here at Bachelor Burn Book. (And if any of you happen to invent a time machine, you better call us first. Comprende?)

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Week 4: Tweet Roundup

What’s the difference between a regular old reality show and a national phenomenon? Twitter traffic, of course. No Monday night Bachelor-viewing session is complete without perusing Twitter for instant analysis and opinions of the 27 contestants who are vying for love. But who has time to comb every inch of the web for the wittiest comments? We do. Here they are, in one neat little package.

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Want more Bachelor Burn Book? Follow us on Twitter @bachelorburnbk. We live tweet during every episode and offer our insights throughout the week on all things Bachelor-related.

Images on this blog are the property of ABC or their respectful owners.

Week 1: Burning Questions

Today is the day! Get out your wine glasses! Prepare a feast! Call your friends! Kick your men out of the house for the evening! Hide yo kids! Hide yo wife! Because The Bachelor is back!

To kick off the celebration of this glorious day in Juanuary, we present you with our three Burning Questions for tonight’s premiere. If you are new to Bachelor Burn Book or have never read our Burning Questions segment, allow us to explain how it works … there are three Burning Questions. The end.

Enjoy!

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Men Tell All: Juan Pablo, judge-y looks and more Juan Pablo

OK, we have to admit … the Men Tell All show is like, our favorite episode of every season. We always look forward to it, and we love watching it. But not for the reasons you might think. Yes, we love seeing the contestants rehash all the drama, and we like seeing the Bachelorette confront the guys who were there to promote their business ventures and become famous and all that nonsense. But none of that is as entertaining as watching the audience’s reactions to what is unfolding before them. There is nothing better! If we didn’t get to see 85 different camera shots of these women making the judge-iest faces ever, what would be the point of this show?! That’s right. There would be no point.

The same goes for our recap. What would be the point of this stupid thing if we didn’t include these women and their reactions? So, of course, we will. And they were on point last night. If you’ve never really paid much attention to these women, prepare yourself. Because you are in for a real treat. So, without further ado, we present to you our Men Tell All recap (featuring the most judgmental women the producers could find):

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Men Tell All: Burning Questions

It’s Men Tell All time! Yay! This is always such a good episode because everyone is on their absolute worst behavior. Actually, watching the Men Tell All episode kind of reminds us of being home in Africa (we don’t really live in Africa). The guys settle things like they live in animal world.

Here’s to hoping for complete anarchy tonight. In the meantime, here’s what we’re wondering about heading into the drama-fest.

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Week 5: Power Rankings

Three got their heads chopped off this week, and now only eight remain. A few of them are nice, some are cute, most are frat boy meatheads and pretty much all of them are crazy.

Aaand, these are the times when we’re glad we’re just doing the ranking and not the rose-doling.

Speaking of ranking, here’s the obligatory explanation of how the Power Rankings work:

Every week, we’ll tell you who we think did the best, who did the worst and who got completely lost in the shuffle on the latest episode of The Bachelorette. We’ll rank (and kind of judge) the men based on their interactions with each other and with Desiree. Of course, we’ll factor in how we think Des views each of her suitors, as well. Just think of it as if we’re seating the men at the appropriate tables in the Mean Girls cafeteria.

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Week 5: Burning Questions

Hey, y’all. We’ve been a little low on time lately, so sorry if this post isn’t up to snuff. We’ve been running around with a 3-year-old and a 4-year-old all week going to dance classes, bouncy houses, soccer camps, swim lessons, amusement parks and pretty much anywhere else that you might find a 3-year-old and a 4-year-old. Then, when we weren’t out and about, we were busy playing with baby dolls, having sword fights and eating plastic food. One of us was even taken to prison (on a staircase) and decapitated. So, as you can see, it’s been quite a busy week for us.

But that doesn’t mean we weren’t still thinking about The Bachelorette. In fact, as we were watching Disney’s Brave with said 3-year-old and 4-year-old, we naturally thought back to last season when Emily Maynard and the gang were forced to watch it and say it was the best movie they’d ever seen. Anyway, despite the fact that we’ve been asked about 800 different questions that usually start with “why,” we still managed to come up with a few of our own questions for tonight’s episode. Now that, dear friends, is true dedication.

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