Week 4: Burning Questions

Whew. We are all tuckered out from Sean and Catherine’s wedding!

With all the talk about grown sexy, the Honeymoon Suite Cam and more grown sexy, we need a break from this show for like, a hot second. We’re tired, mildly hungover and now frantically worrying if we will ever find a husband as perfect as Sean Lowe. It’s mentally exhausting. But ABC demands a lot of Bachelor Nation, so we gotta get focused and get ready for tonight’s episode of The Bachelor instead.

So, since all of you, like us, are probably spending today worrying whether you’ll ever find a husband like Sean Lowe, we’re here to help you take your mind off that for a few hours. Rather than freaking out over your love life, ponder over our Week 4 Burning Questions instead—because, honestly, we all know what’s more important here … The Bachelor, duh. You’ll figure out the whole marriage thing eventually.

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The Finale: Burning Questions

This finale is going to be epiiiiiiiic. You know why? BECAUSE THERE MIGHT NOT BE A FINALE! Whaaaaa?!

Everything is broken. Des’ heart is broken. Brooks’ heart is broken. Neil Lane’s heart is broken because he might not get to give away a ring fo’ free. Brooks’ hair … well, that was always broken. Even Chris Harrison’s heart is broken. Basically, everything is broken. So, obvs, we’re super excited for tonight’s episode. What the deuce is going to happen?! How long will it take Des to stop crying and make a decision? Will Chris Harrison make everything better? We know every Monday we always say that we have a lot of questions about the upcoming episode, but this week, we are freakin’ serious. We ACTUALLY do have a lot of questions this time. Here are the three that have really been bugging us for the past 168 hours:

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Week 8: Power Rankings

We’re switching things up this week. The old Power Rankings rulebook is being temporarily thrown out because this season has become a little boring and why not.

The point of Power Rankings is to kind of guess and make predictions about what the Bachelor or Bachelorette is thinking on a week-to-week basis. But apparently, Des likes to speak in stream of consciousness and tell everybody exactly what she’s thinking the moment she’s thinking it. Soo, guessing is no longer necessary. Moral of this story? Des is a buzzkill.

But, we’re Bachelor Burn Book, so of course, we found a way to keep the party going. So, here’s what we’re gonna do:

We are going to give you five reasons why each guy from the top four (thanks for the rule of thumb, James) should become the next Bachelor and five reasons why he shouldn’t. Then, we’ll give you our highly-valued opinion on whether or not we think we can tolerate watching [insert name here] on TV for two and a half months. Everyone seems to be talking about who’s going to be the next Bachelor anyway, so we thought now would be the appropriate time to throw our two cents in. ABC/Bachelor executives: feel free to use this as a guide during this extremely important decision-making process.

Note: The guys will still be ranked according to the order that Des laid out for CH — just to keep a Power Rankings-ish feel to it. Also, we’ll briefly explain why they’re ranked where they are, just in case some of you were wasted or not paying attention (both very likely scenarios) these past two weeks.

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Week 7: Poetry and metaphors and SHUT UP

This was it. It happened. This was the episode — you know, that one episode that we’re inevitably subjected to every season — when the contestants turn everything they do into a metaphor for love. Every friggin’ year, it happens without fail. One of the guys could simply be putting on sunscreen and he would be like, “This reminds me a lot of my relationship with Des. I’m going to protect Desiree like I’m protecting my skin from the sun’s harmful rays.” Like, are you freaking kidding me? Does every little thing you do have to be related to love? Apparently, yes, it does. If you were trying to stifle your vomit during last night’s episode, you may not want to read on because this recap will include lots and lots of metaphors. You have been warned.

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Week 7: Burning Questions

As you might’ve read, we had a little too much fun on America’s Birthday. If you happen to be clueless about our Fourth of July shenanigans, you may want to read “Week 6: The Glen Cocos” to get filled in. We didn’t do a whole lot over the weekend as you might imagine, but we at least used our recovery time to come up with these questions. See? We’re always thinking of you guys and this ridiculous show, even in our weakest moments. Now that is true dedication.

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Week 5: Armageddon!

Ahh, finally. All is right in Bachelorette World. This week’s episode was filled with drama, name-calling, insult-hurling, murder-threatening, early exits, a cringeworthy two-on-one date and, yes, yodeling.

While last week’s episode was very heartwarming and eye-opening, we felt completely out of our element. You just can’t make insensitive jokes during a tour of the Hurricane Sandy devastation and a subsequent date between a couple who lost their home because of the storm. It just ain’t the right thing to do. But this week, it is the right thing to do. We have a week of lost time to make up for, so we aren’t holding back. May the wit and sarcasm drip from our lips this week like it never has before.

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Week 5: Burning Questions

Hey, y’all. We’ve been a little low on time lately, so sorry if this post isn’t up to snuff. We’ve been running around with a 3-year-old and a 4-year-old all week going to dance classes, bouncy houses, soccer camps, swim lessons, amusement parks and pretty much anywhere else that you might find a 3-year-old and a 4-year-old. Then, when we weren’t out and about, we were busy playing with baby dolls, having sword fights and eating plastic food. One of us was even taken to prison (on a staircase) and decapitated. So, as you can see, it’s been quite a busy week for us.

But that doesn’t mean we weren’t still thinking about The Bachelorette. In fact, as we were watching Disney’s Brave with said 3-year-old and 4-year-old, we naturally thought back to last season when Emily Maynard and the gang were forced to watch it and say it was the best movie they’d ever seen. Anyway, despite the fact that we’ve been asked about 800 different questions that usually start with “why,” we still managed to come up with a few of our own questions for tonight’s episode. Now that, dear friends, is true dedication.

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