Remember how Tierra couldn’t control her eyebrow?
We can’t control our excitement over this season of The Bachelor. Seriously. You know how it took us until Wednesday night to write this recap? That’s because we’ve actually been talking about The Bachelor for 48 hours. There was so much crazy, so many tears and so many mentions of the “journey” and all the other Bachelor words that we just. could. not. even. Anyways, the 48-hour hiatus resulted in nearly 2,000 words of musings about the beginning of what is surely (according to Chris Harrison, at least) the most dramatic season of The Bachelor ever.
So, without further ado, we give you the first legit full-episode recap of the season. Let’s just say, our journey of following Juan Pablo’s romantic journey (and impending assassination attempt) begins right now.
In case you’ve been living under a rock and missed the Juan Pablo introductory special or somehow didn’t see Juan Pabs on Des’ season, The Bachelor producers have put together a quick (meaning six-minute) montage of el Bachelor’s life P.B. (that’s pre Bachelor, y’all).
They show us Juan Pablo shirtless (thank you, ABC!).
They show us Juan Pablo going to L.A. where he meets … a Wedding Dress Lindsay look alike?
No, that’s just some random lady with a baby. This is sad, because we thought Lindsay was back to fill our “She asked me how to spell orange” segment this season. Apparently not. It’s all on you, new crop of contestants!
Also, Juan Pablo meets a dog (FORESHADOWING).
Then we see Juan Pablo shirtless again because, why wouldn’t we?
We’re supposed to believe he and Sean are best bros. You’re not fooling us, Juan Pablo. We know you just met Sean Lowe. How do we know this? Because throughout most of the episode Sean looks like this:
Just confused. He’s still hot when he’s confused, but he clearly doesn’t know what the heck is going on.
Sean also drops a bombshell on us … Catherine wasn’t on his radar for the first few weeks! We thought that was Bachelor editing but it wasn’t! Anyways, Sean tells this story about skunks and Catherine and how he knows she’s the one and he smiles like this…
… and for that moment, we believe this show actually works. We hope it works out for you, Juan Pablo. We really do. Anyways, on to the crazies!
Fifteen minutes into the show, we find out Juan Pablo is the Bachelor.
For a second, we’re confused. We check our TV Guide. It says we’re watching The Bachelor. The last Bachelor was just talking to the guy from The Bachelorette. He IS the Bachelor, correct?
Correct, according to Chris Harrison, who promptly rehashes the montage we just watched. We’d be frustrated about this, but we get to stare at Chris Harrison in a skinny tie so we’ll just keep our traps shut and enjoy Chris Harrison’s shining moment.
yokesters potential suitors!
Hey! It’s Sunflower Girl (aka Chelsie)! She’s still playing in sunflowers!
And here’s Renee, a single mom who says that Juan Pablo “has what she is looking for, he’s very attractive.” That’s it. That’s the only quality of Juan Pablo’s that she mentions. Just that one.
Here’s Andi, a lawyer who allows The Bachelor cameras to record her (fake) trial! This is a great way to convince reality TV detractors that these shows aren’t all staged!
Then we meet Amy, the massage therapist, who wants a man who “just wants to be rubbed by her,” pretend-feeds Juan Pablo breakfast via helicopter (the spoon kind, not The Bachelor kind) and then promptly pretend-faints. Wait, you don’t believe that this is a real contestant? Here’s our evidence (see, Andi, we can be lawyers too!):
After Amy fake faints, we meet Nikki, who is a nurse, albeit the pediatric kind. This might not help her fix Amy’s fainting problem, but it does make her seem like a solid possible match for Juan Pablo. This can mean one of two things. She might be cuckoo (in which case, seriously, hide your kids) or she might be a legitimate contender. It’s entirely too early to tell, but we’d be willing to place our bets on the latter.
Next there’s Lauren, the Blakeley lookalike, who completes the crazy sandwich. We’ll get to her later.
Then there’s Valerie, who points out how pretty she is, and Lacy, who is actually pretty on the inside. There’s also Clare, who has a secret DVD from her late dad that she’s never watched. She’s supposed to give it to her future husband. This might guarantee her a spot in the final three.
We’re giving you more options, Juan Pablo!
Now that we’ve got that crap out of the way…
…It’s time to introduce the ladies to Juan Pablo! The best part of this whole segment is that our dear Bachelor tells every limo that it was his favorite. He does speak the language of love.
The next one tries to dance and Juan Pablo says she smells good. Whatever. Two more boring ones and we’re thinking, “What the heck? Where are the crazies? This is the best you’ve got, ABC? When is someone going to …”
LUCY! You DIDN’T let us down, producers! This broad clearly has enough crazy for two seasons. She’s not wearing shoes. She says she “didn’t want to be too tall,” which is basically just calling Juan Pablo short. She’s wearing whatever the heck that thing is in her hair. ABC, you pay Juan Pablo ALL THE MONEY TO KEEP HER. ALL THE MONEY. This girl is the next Courtney, we can already tell.
Also, her job is Free Spirit. God help us.
Then Lauren comes in driving everyone’s favorite mode of transportation … a bicycle piano.
Juan Pablo must like her because he smiles like this.
In all their googly eyed nonsense, Lauren forgets to tell Juan Pablo her name, so he runs into the mansion after her. All the girls get excited because, we guess, they think they’re the only contestants on the show, thus thinning the competition for Juan Pablo’s heart and for a slot as
the Bachelorette second place.
Sorry, ladies. There’s still like, eighty more limos.
Chelsie does some corny science experiment, Valerie’s already demanding Juan Pablo pay attention to her shoes, Elise smells good (says Juan Pablo. We don’t have smell-o-vision yet. Also, we don’t care what anybody smells like, as long as it’s not BO).
Then Clare shows up, flying her crazy flag high with a faux baby bump. We kind of wish she would have pretended to give birth and have the fake bump be a soccer ball, which would have been funny and awesome, but instead she just decided to go with crazy. To each her own.
DOG! Foreshadowing! This dog doesn’t like Juan Pablo as much as the boardwalk dog from earlier. We think he probably peed on some Bachelor roses, which we hope sent Chris Harrison into a tizz, considering how hard he worked on hosing down that driveway.
Then there’s Lacy, who tries to drug Juan Pabs, Normal Alexis, Ginger Kylie and Sharleen, who doesn’t want to be here. Maybe she was taken here against her will by Lacy?
And finally, Andi, who makes Juan Pablo say “wow” like 80 times and make this face. He’s in love already. Sean warned you about this, Juan Pablo!
“It feels like you’re a meat and they want to eat you.” — Juan Pablo
So you feel like this, Juan Pablo?
No mirrors in the Bachelor house!
Because Juan Pablo has had lipstick on his face the whole night and has yet to notice.
“It’s the first night. There’s a lot of strange things going on the first night.” — Juan Pabs
Preach it, el Bachelor. Lucy asks him if he gets nervous when she gets close to him. He says yes, and, for a brief moment, it looks like his life flashes before his eyes.
Lucy takes this as an invitation to put her nasty feet on his expensive Chris Harrison Collection suit.
How did Amy bring her massage table to the Bachelor mansion? We’re guessing in her evening clutch. After all, they are making things super portable now. A fold-up massage table isn’t that far-fetched.
Cry me a river.
No, seriously, Lauren. Chris Harrison didn’t wet down that driveway enough. Please, help him out with your tears.
This girl just straight up loses it. The alcohol is flowing, she’s got lots of people to compete with and now there’s just snot and eyeliner everywhere.
Safe to say, this girl is clearly not going to get a rose.
Everyone wants a rose…
…except Sharleen? Juan Pablo is smitten because she’s not throwing herself at him (this is a good strategy). She has “mundo,” he says. When he gets up to get the First Impression Rose, Sharleen looks … a little dazed.
Will you take both of us?
No, Kylie, he won’t. Juan Pablo calls Kat’s name and here comes Kylie, walking around like she owns the place.
Then here comes Lucy…
…Freakin’ skippin’ to the rose like she’s some sort of first grader playing games at recess. Lucy, you are grown woman. Act like it. Can you tell we’ve already had it up to HERE with Lucy?
Bye, Bachelor rejects.
These exit interviews make it clear that Juan Pablo made the right decision to send these ladies home.
There’s Amy, who cries, “People don’t always feel you the way you feel them!” We’re thinking that Amy might “feel” Juan Pablo so well because she gave him a massage on the first night. That’s just a hunch, though.
Wait, this is the same preview we saw last night. What the heck, ABC! We hate everything. Is it Monday yet?
FOUR FOR WHOEVER CAME UP WITH THIS!
Why do we love this show? Because things like this happen on it.
She asked me how to spell orange.
This is the place where we’ll highlight the stupidest thing said on each episode, like when Karen asked Damien how to spell orange.
Juan Pablo: “How many children do you want to have?”
Chelsie: “Just, all of them. All of the children.”
Next time, Chelsie, just go with a nice, normal number, like three.
Want more Bachelor Burn Book? Follow us on Twitter @bachelorburnbk. We live tweet during every episode and offer our insights throughout the week on all things Bachelor-related.
Images on this blog are the property of ABC or their respectful owners.