Week 4: Seoul-sucking drama in South Korea

The best part of the season is here!

The drama is heightening! The cattiness is starting! The claws are starting to come out! People’s eyes are getting scratched out! It’s gettin’ scrappy! Someone’s gonna have to hold someone else’s errings!

What could be better?! …Nothing, that’s what—well, except our recap breaking it all down:

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Preseason Power Rankings

We’re baaaaaaaack! You know what that means?! It’s the most Juanderful time of year again!

The Bachelor is back! Juanuary is here! Two hours of Juan Pablo every Monday! Lots of wine consumption! So much excitement! And what better way to kick off this glorious season than with our preseason power rankings?! Yes, that’s right. We have combed through all 27 bios, made our initial superficial judgments and ranked the women from least crazy to super crazy. Enjoy!

P.S. If you would like to read (and laugh at) the women’s full bios, click here.

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Week 7: The Glen Cocos

Soooooooo…

We dropped the ball — again.

We’re late on The Glen Cocos — again. We totes understand if you never forgive us. Seriously, being late on the Glen Cocos? That’s worse than when Cady skipped Janis’ art show and decided to throw a party while her parents were out of town instead! We’ll do better next time, but sometimes sh*t happens. Anyways, here’s the drill:

Glen Coco

Basically, The Glen Cocos are a rotating awards system. We’ll make up a bunch of random awards and hand them out to people each week. Some will be serious. Most of them will (hopefully) be funny. In your mind’s eye, picture them being handed out by Chris Harrison dressed in a Santa suit.

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Week 6: The Glen Cocos

So you know that old Daryle Singletary song “I Ain’t Never Had Too Much Fun”?.

Well, it’s a lie. You can have too much fun. We know this, because that’s exactly what happened on the Fourth of July. We had too much fun and couldn’t pull ourselves out of the depths of our hangovers long enough to write the Glen Cocos and get them up on Friday like good little bloggers. This one’s on us, guys. We wouldn’t give us candy grams either.

Glen Coco

So when we weren’t figuring out what to put on our tombstones when we inevitably succumbed from our excessive celebrating on America’s Birthday, we were trying to figure out how to make it up to you. We’ve decided on this. Not only are we going to give you the typical Glen Cocos, you’ll be able to find a nice little piece of advice from the Bachelor Burn Book think tank at the bottom of this post. It’s the best we could do, y’all.

Here’s a refresher on the Glen Cocos:

Basically, The Glen Cocos are a rotating awards system. We’ll make up a bunch of random awards and hand them out to people each week. Some will be serious. Most of them will (hopefully) be funny. In your mind’s eye, picture them being handed out by Chris Harrison dressed in a Santa suit.

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Week 5: The Glen Cocos

Remember in Mean Girls when Regina George distributes the Burn Book at school and all the girls start fighting each other and Principal Duvall is all, “I did NOT leave the South Side for this!”?

Well, Des soooooo did not leave her teepee for this crap, either.

She dealt with a lot of shenanigans this week, so naturally we’re hankering to give these tools some awards and call them out for their poor behavior. Some weeks, the Glen Cocos just write themselves. This is one of those weeks.

Here’s how the Glen Cocos work:

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Basically, The Glen Cocos are a rotating awards system. We’ll make up a bunch of random awards and hand them out to people each week. Some will be serious. Most of them will (hopefully) be funny. In your mind’s eye, picture them being handed out by Chris Harrison dressed in a Santa suit.

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Week 4: The Glen Cocos

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There’s one key difference between Sean Lowe and Desiree Hartsock.

Sean tried to kill his potential suitors with dangerous dates. Desiree just tries to embarrass hers.

I mean, a Mr. America pageant? That’s awkward. Watching the contestants struggle to find talents, squeeze into speedos and parade around was hilarious for us, but it probs made the men a little bit red in the face. In the end, Kasey won the Mr. America crown (congrats, we guess?), but fear not, men of the group date! We’re here to numb the pain you’re feeling about being losers. We’ve also got some awards to hand out, and we won’t even make you fake cry while you accept them. If you want to take your shirt off though, we’re perfectly OK with that.

Here’s how the Glen Cocos work:

Basically, The Glen Cocos are a rotating awards system. We’ll make up a bunch of random awards and hand them out to people each week. Some will be serious. Most of them will (hopefully) be funny. In your mind’s eye, picture them being handed out by Chris Harrison dressed in a Santa suit.

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Week 3: The Glen Cocos

Is there any Mean Girls character more enigmatic than Glen Coco?

We know next to nothing about him, but we like to think that Glen Coco led a pretty awesome life. Think about it. This is the dude that gets to put “Received four candy grams and a shout-out from Santa Claus” on his resume. Would YOU move that resume to the bottom of the pile? WOULD YOU?! We didn’t think so.

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We like to think that Glen Coco would be pretty stoked to have an entire awards segment named after him. I mean, outside of Oscar (is that even a real person?), who else is the namesake of a freakin’ awards ceremony? No one, that’s who. The moral of the story is this: It’s good to be Glen Coco. It’s not good to be a contestant on The Bachelorette though, because you end up getting judged by people like us, who take your pain and turn it into jokes every week. But we digress. If you’re new here, here’s a primer on the Glen Cocos, named after the biggest mystery in the greatest movie of all time:

Basically, The Glen Cocos are a rotating awards system. We’ll make up a bunch of random awards and hand them out to people each week. Some will be serious. Most of them will (hopefully) be funny. In your mind’s eye, picture them being handed out by Chris Harrison dressed in a Santa suit.

Continue reading