Juan-uary recap: Behind the Scenes

It’s like Grace Potter and Kenny Chesney always say, “One (episode of the Bachelor) is one too many, one more (episode of the Bachelor) is never enough”.

Seriously, one two-hour episode is usually too much for our little brains to handle. So adding a bonus Sunday episode is not only sending us into a colossal tizz, it’s also giving us a hankering for something just insane, like a 24-hour Bachelor network or something. We love the Bachelor so much, we were one of the 12 people to choose it over the Golden Globes (don’t worry, we watched the GGs on DVR, so we still have something to talk about at the water cooler). Not only that, but we watched the whole thing AGAIN in order to write this recap.

If that’s not dedication, well, you can’t sit with us.

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Week 1: Tweet Roundup

What’s the difference between a regular old reality show and a national phenomenon? Twitter traffic, of course. No Monday night Bachelor-viewing session is complete without perusing Twitter for instant analysis and opinions of the 27 contestants who are vying for love. But who has time to comb every inch of the web for the wittiest comments? We do. Here they are, in one neat little package.

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Juan-uary recap: Countdown to Juan Pablo

Hola, y’all!

Hola, y'all

About this time every year, we, as a nation, settle in for another season of watching drunken 20-somethings (and the token 30 year old) stumble their way to pseudo-stardom on the Bachelor. As we watch, we ask ourselves, between chugging wine straight from the bottle and ushering chocolate chips into our mouths two-by-two as though they’re animals heading for Noah’s Ark, “Where on God’s green earth do they find these people?”

Well, worry no longer, because the dear, dear producers at ABC decided to SHOW US how they find these people. The answer? They don’t have to find them at all! The crazies come out of the woodwork and voluntarily offer to have their crazy broadcast on national television to judgmental women who have access to the Internet and can effectively TELL THEM HOW CRAZY THEY ARE! America, everybody.

So, without further ado, here’s our first recap of Juanuary and, we guess, our first recap of Juan Pablo’s love story.

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Week 1: Burning Questions

Today is the day! Get out your wine glasses! Prepare a feast! Call your friends! Kick your men out of the house for the evening! Hide yo kids! Hide yo wife! Because The Bachelor is back!

To kick off the celebration of this glorious day in Juanuary, we present you with our three Burning Questions for tonight’s premiere. If you are new to Bachelor Burn Book or have never read our Burning Questions segment, allow us to explain how it works … there are three Burning Questions. The end.

Enjoy!

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Men Tell All: Juan Pablo, judge-y looks and more Juan Pablo

OK, we have to admit … the Men Tell All show is like, our favorite episode of every season. We always look forward to it, and we love watching it. But not for the reasons you might think. Yes, we love seeing the contestants rehash all the drama, and we like seeing the Bachelorette confront the guys who were there to promote their business ventures and become famous and all that nonsense. But none of that is as entertaining as watching the audience’s reactions to what is unfolding before them. There is nothing better! If we didn’t get to see 85 different camera shots of these women making the judge-iest faces ever, what would be the point of this show?! That’s right. There would be no point.

The same goes for our recap. What would be the point of this stupid thing if we didn’t include these women and their reactions? So, of course, we will. And they were on point last night. If you’ve never really paid much attention to these women, prepare yourself. Because you are in for a real treat. So, without further ado, we present to you our Men Tell All recap (featuring the most judgmental women the producers could find):

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Week 5: Armageddon!

Ahh, finally. All is right in Bachelorette World. This week’s episode was filled with drama, name-calling, insult-hurling, murder-threatening, early exits, a cringeworthy two-on-one date and, yes, yodeling.

While last week’s episode was very heartwarming and eye-opening, we felt completely out of our element. You just can’t make insensitive jokes during a tour of the Hurricane Sandy devastation and a subsequent date between a couple who lost their home because of the storm. It just ain’t the right thing to do. But this week, it is the right thing to do. We have a week of lost time to make up for, so we aren’t holding back. May the wit and sarcasm drip from our lips this week like it never has before.

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Finale recap: I get all of this?!

Oh, Sean. We hardly knew ye as the Bachelor. These seasons just whiz by so fast. They say time flies when you’re having fun, but it also flies when you’re watching some delectable beefcake take his shirt off on the regs. We’ll miss Sean’s beefy arms and pecs … for about six days. Then we’ll see them on Dancing with the Stars and all will be right in the world again. But forget mirror ball trophies and televised weddings … we’ve got a finale to recap. Without further ado, here is our final recap of the greatest Bachelor season of them all. Continue reading

Women Tell All: Burning Questions

The catfights! The heartbreak! The Eyebrow! We truly hope that all of this–and much more–is included in this season’s Women Tell All. We hope Tierra is still evil. We hope Lesley is still hilarious. We hope Daniella is still drunk. We also hope that we get these Burning Questions answered.

1. Will AshLee speak to Sean?

Or will she just stare? We’ve mentioned in our Power Rankings that we empathize with AshLee, but we still hope that she has collected her thoughts enough to actually talk to Sean and try to get some closure from this whole experience. The eliminations of Des and AshLee were heartbreaking for different reasons, but at least Des said her piece and can (hopefully) move on. We hope AshLee can do the same at Women Tell All.

2. Who the heck would marry Tierra?

Can we meet this guy? Is he a martian? Does he have no female friends that Tierra must associate with? Does he also have an uncontrollable eyebrow? We’re not sure what creature would marry Tierra, but we hope that they are very happy together. We would love to see Chris Harrison bring this guy out on stage and see what, exactly, he sees in Tierra that the rest of America didn’t get to see. But, alas, we fear that this is but an empty dream. This guy probably wants to stay on the DL until Tierra’s Bachelor drama blows over.

3. Is this the week Chris Harrison earns his paycheck?

Chris Harrison has one of the cushiest jobs in all of television. He jets around the country, organizes the picture room (no, just kidding, Elan probably does that) and gives awful advice that doesn’t really help anyone. That is, until Women Tell All. He has to manage 26 women talking at once, make at least two of them cry and then protect the Bachelor from all of the rejected contestants in case they decide to stage a mutiny, like the one at the water fountain at the mall. He’s basically the ringmaster of the Ringling Bros. circus only there are no animals, only women. This sounds like no fun, unless of course, you’re Chris Harrison. Because Chris Harrison is such a little skeeze.

The Hot Seat

Every week, we’ll pick one or two ladies who we think are in danger of getting sent home the following episode. Whether it’s because they’re causing tension in the mansion, had a night of drunken woopsies or just simply aren’t connecting with Sean, these ladies could find themselves in the Bachelor Burn Book Hot Seat … a place that would make even Regina George feel threatened.

There is no Hot Seat this week because this isn’t a real episode. It’s a filler episode where they get us really excited for the finale, feed us mere tidbits of updates about our favorite former contestants and we all watch anyways. We’re not complaining. We’re stating a fact. We love everything about the Bachelor and if they wanted to just show an hour of Sean showering, we’d be totally OK with that, DVR it, and watch it over and over again. Oh, wait, Millsy already pitched that? Never mind.

But you know what, just for the sake of it, we’ll put Tierra in the Hot Seat. At this point, we’re considering naming it the Hot Seat sponsored by Tierra’s Eyebrow.

Want more Bachelor Burn Book? Follow us on Twitter @bachelorburnbk. We live tweet during every episode and offer our insights throughout the week on all things Bachelor-related, except for this week ’cause we drunk.

Week 8: I was half a virgin when I met you!

It’s fantasy suite date time!

What’s our fantasy? Not having to write an introduction for this recap, so we didn’t. Let’s get busy.

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Week 7: Don’t go breaking my Hart

It’s getting difficult in Bachelor world, y’all. Hometown dates are make or break and this season was no exception. We have a lot to digest from this week’s episode, so let’s get to it.

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