Week 3: Power Rankings

Ayyy, Juan Pablo. You’re not going to make this easy on us, are you?

Power Rankings are becoming quite the challenge this season with the shiverless (er, chivalrous) Juan Pablo in charge.

You see, most seasons, it’s pretty easy to tell who the Bachelor or Bachelorette is or isn’t into. They’ve either got the “hey there, let’s go to the projection room above the auditorium” look or the “I’m just fake-smiling and being polite until I can get rid of you at the next rose ceremony” look. It’s pretty cut and dry. You don’t have to be a member of the Mathletes to figure out who falls into which category.

BUT NOT WITH JUAN PABLO. He seems to be having this problem where he likes ALL OF THE WOMEN. The limit does not exist when it comes to the number of women he likes. Just when we think he’s about to start wavering on one of the girls, he’s like, “I’m really, really into her. She’s beautiful.” And we’re sitting there like, “What? That date sucked.” But apparently, in Juan Pablo’s mundo, every girl gets the “hey there, let’s go to the projection room above the auditorium” look—and therein lies our problem.

So, here’s to throwing our rankings at the wall and hoping something sticks…

Week 3: Kickin’ it with Juan Pabs

You can always count on The Bachelor to bring some knowledge to your Mondays.

Yes, you read that right. We just said The Bachelor is educational. Por ejemplo, last week, we learned that life is actually about straddling people. This was news to us. Thankfully, Victoria dropped that gem on us, and now, we need not contemplate the meaning of life. This week, we learned that if you take 21 and subtract three years from it, you get 18. That was drilled into our brains by Cassandra, the former NBA dancer math teacher.

You know what else we learned? A long intro for this week’s episode wasn’t necessary. Chris Harrison didn’t do his standard monologue to open the episode, and if C. Harrizzle (that’s our nickname for him, word) doesn’t need an intro, neither do we. So here we go, it’s recap time!

Week 2: Power Rankings

You know what makes the Bachelor’s job really easy?

When contestants start eliminating themselves (Victoria, take a bow! Or you could just straddle something because, after all, that is your purpose in life, is it not?)

You know what else makes the Bachelor’s job really easy?

When we rank all of his suitors for him. See? We’re not just a snarky blog that cares too much about Mean Girls and the Bachelor. We’re also here to help!

If you’re newer here than Cady was during the first 20 minutes of Mean Girls, here’s how the Power Rankings work:

Every week, we’ll tell you who we think did the best, who did the worst and who got completely lost in the shuffle on the latest episode of The Bachelor. We’ll rank (and kind of judge) the women based on their interactions with each other and with Juan Pablo. Of course, we’ll factor in how we think Juan Pabs views each of his female suitors, as well. Just think of it as if we’re seating the women at the appropriate tables in the Mean Girls cafeteria.

Week 2: Burning Questions

Aaaaaand they’re off! The first cocktail party is over, Juan Pablo has met all of his women (and forgotten half), the wine is flowing (both at our house and at the Bachelor Mansion), the driveway has been hosed down (only at the Bachelor Mansion, not at our house), the girls are (still) attempting to speak Spanish (which is more like Spanglish), and the first round of dates is set to begin!

With another episode of drama, debauchery and general nonsense upon us, we, here at Bachelor Burn Book headquarters, have a lot of questions. Most of them have to do with Lucy, but those are questions we will likely never get the answers to. So, here are some legitimate (ish) questions we came up with instead: