Week 9: Power Rankings

Welcome, Bachelorette enthusiasts, to the final installment of Power Rankings for this season! If you found yourself clicking on the link to this post and thinking, “What in the hell? How they ‘posed to rank these guys? Des ain’t even like none of ’em.”, you’re in good company. We thought the same thing and we’re the ones writing this post.

So, as you might’ve guessed, the whole “I love Brooks and don’t even want to think about/look at/talk to/go on dates with the other guys” thing that Des said on Monday presents a bit of a problem for us. Des has two guys left, and she likes approximately zero of them. Fantastic.

Hopefully, we haven’t managed to talk you out of reading this. If we did … well, shit. For those of you who are still sticking around, we promise we’ll have something interesting to say, despite, well, you know … lookin’ at you, DES.

Alright, off we go.

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Week 8: Power Rankings

We’re switching things up this week. The old Power Rankings rulebook is being temporarily thrown out because this season has become a little boring and why not.

The point of Power Rankings is to kind of guess and make predictions about what the Bachelor or Bachelorette is thinking on a week-to-week basis. But apparently, Des likes to speak in stream of consciousness and tell everybody exactly what she’s thinking the moment she’s thinking it. Soo, guessing is no longer necessary. Moral of this story? Des is a buzzkill.

But, we’re Bachelor Burn Book, so of course, we found a way to keep the party going. So, here’s what we’re gonna do:

We are going to give you five reasons why each guy from the top four (thanks for the rule of thumb, James) should become the next Bachelor and five reasons why he shouldn’t. Then, we’ll give you our highly-valued opinion on whether or not we think we can tolerate watching [insert name here] on TV for two and a half months. Everyone seems to be talking about who’s going to be the next Bachelor anyway, so we thought now would be the appropriate time to throw our two cents in. ABC/Bachelor executives: feel free to use this as a guide during this extremely important decision-making process.

Note: The guys will still be ranked according to the order that Des laid out for CH — just to keep a Power Rankings-ish feel to it. Also, we’ll briefly explain why they’re ranked where they are, just in case some of you were wasted or not paying attention (both very likely scenarios) these past two weeks.

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Week 7: Power Rankings

Welp, Power Rankings should be pretty easy this week. Why, you ask? Umm, because DES GAVE AWAY THE ENDING. SURPRISE! She’s already made up her mind. She’s reached the finish line with Brooks. The rest of the season is just a formality. Let’s all pack up our wine glasses and go home. Forgive us for ranting, but isn’t this show supposed to have an element of mystery to it? TMI, Des! We really didn’t want to know right now (ahem, producers and/or editors), but thanks anyway for telling us who you think you’re going to pick. We’ll surely be watching the rest of this season with bated breath.

Normally, we include our standard explanation of how the Power Rankings work, but it really isn’t necessary this week. There’s only one thing you need to know:

We chose this order because Des laid it out for us pretty clearly. As we’ve established, being mysterious isn’t exactly her forte.

Try to act surprised when you see Brooks is first.

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Week 6: Power Rankings

We’re planning a revolt. A mutiny is imminent. Des is out of control.

Who does she think she is eliminating three guys at once this far into the season? She can’t just do that. There are rules. Who gave her all the power? Can somebody put a call in to Chris Harrison so we can restore order to this mess of a situation? Geesh, can somebody pull the reins in on her? Next thing you know, she’ll be sprinting to the altar faster than Damian was running to the projection room above the auditorium with Cady’s purse. Slow your roll, Des. We can’t rank all your boyfriends if there aren’t any left.

Obligatory Power Rankings explanation:

Every week, we’ll tell you who we think did the best, who did the worst and who got completely lost in the shuffle on the latest episode of The Bachelorette. We’ll rank (and kind of judge) the men based on their interactions with each other and with Desiree. Of course, we’ll factor in how we think Des views each of her suitors, as well. Just think of it as if we’re seating the men at the appropriate tables in the Mean Girls cafeteria.

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Week 5: Power Rankings

Three got their heads chopped off this week, and now only eight remain. A few of them are nice, some are cute, most are frat boy meatheads and pretty much all of them are crazy.

Aaand, these are the times when we’re glad we’re just doing the ranking and not the rose-doling.

Speaking of ranking, here’s the obligatory explanation of how the Power Rankings work:

Every week, we’ll tell you who we think did the best, who did the worst and who got completely lost in the shuffle on the latest episode of The Bachelorette. We’ll rank (and kind of judge) the men based on their interactions with each other and with Desiree. Of course, we’ll factor in how we think Des views each of her suitors, as well. Just think of it as if we’re seating the men at the appropriate tables in the Mean Girls cafeteria.

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Week 4: Power Rankings

It’s getting down to the wire, folks! Well, not really. There’s actually like 11 guys left still. But it is getting down to a group of guys we actually recognize. The days of us frantically flipping through our notes to see if we wrote anything down on Anonymous Bachelorette Contestant #18 have passed, so now, we actually know who we’re making fun of. Oh yeah, that reminds us…

If you were one of Des’ early rejects who got less than six total minutes of airtime, we’re sorry if we said something about you that was rude, inconsiderate, insensitive, judgmental or the like. Blame the producers, not us. If they had given you more camera time, we could’ve made snarky comments that were a little more accurate. (Also, we’re only a little sorry, not super sorry.)

Anyway, Power Rankings, again. This is how it goes:

Every week, we’ll tell you who we think did the best, who did the worst and who got completely lost in the shuffle on the latest episode of The Bachelorette. We’ll rank (and kind of judge) the men based on their interactions with each other and with Desiree. Of course, we’ll factor in how we think Des views each of her suitors, as well. Just think of it as if we’re seating the men at the appropriate tables in the Mean Girls cafeteria.

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Week 3: Power Rankings

It’s Thursday. That means it’s time for a new set of Power Rankings. The concept is really simple — we make up the order in our heads and say whatever we want. If you’re still a tad confused, here’s a more in-depth explanation:

Every week, we’ll tell you who we think did the best, who did the worst and who got completely lost in the shuffle on the latest episode of The Bachelorette. We’ll rank (and kind of judge) the men based on their interactions with each other and with Desiree. Of course, we’ll factor in how we think Des views each of her suitors, as well. Just think of it as if we’re seating the men at the appropriate tables in the Mean Girls cafeteria.

Happy reading!

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