Full disclosure: Sunday was almost too much for us to handle.
Between the Grammys and the WEDDING OF THE YEAR, Sunday was exciting, to say the least. We nearly broke the caps lock buttons on our phones and anyone that browses the “Recently Used” portion of our phone’s emoji section will find that we abused the hyperventilating, crying and dead emoji options.
Long story short, one day we will trick some poor, unsuspecting men into marrying us and when that happens, we will be very excited. We might not be as excited as we were to see Sean and Catherine get hitched, though. Only time will tell. Until then, we can only write a recap of their journey to wedded bliss so we can relive it over and over and over.
In case you didn’t know this wedding is LIVE!
And security is NOT a concern. If we didn’t live on the on the actual other side of the country, you can bet we’d be crashing that wedding. After all, ABC put where it was being held on live TV. They were asking for it!
Four Seasons Biltmore, we’re coming for you…or we would have been if we lived in California.
We would be hiding in flower columns near the alter…
Either way, we would have gotten in somehow because CLEARLY our invite was lost in the mail.
“ROAD TRIP! AHHHH.” –Legally Blonde/Sean Lowe
Sean doesn’t think girls like road trips. We beg to differ. Are there people out there who haven’t been on a road trip? Honestly? Please, show of hands, anyone? Bueller? No?
Oh, Sean, He feels like he has captured some mystical, road-trip lovin’ unicorn. Alas, he has not. But as long as he continues to feel like Catherine is a rare, precious bird, those crazy kids might just stand a chance.
And now Sean is learning why girls like road trips.
Men, it is because we have your undivided attention. You will have to crash the car or abandon it on the side of the road to escape us. We can turn the radio off and you are literally trapped in a moving box for hours. That conversation we’ve been dying to have with you about that thing you do that bothers us? Happening. That annoying person at school/work/the mall/whatever that drives us up a wall? Yeah, you’ll hear about that. And if we’re planning a wedding? Every detail is going to be discussed and you will have to make a decision. For the first time, we have ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD to talk! Time is of no great concern!
He is seriously contemplating flinging himself out of the car while it’s still moving.
Wedding theme vocab lesson!
Catherine wants her wedding to be “grown sexy” and “whimsical” and “romantic.” We, along with Sean, know what two of those words mean. We have no clue what grown sexy means, and by the end of this entire two hour special and after the words “grown sexy” have been said 31 times (seriously, @R5RoxMySox counted), we still will not know what it means.
Now, like any good bride, Catherine wants Sean’s ideas on the wedding so she can ignore them. She asks him what words he wants to describe the wedding. His answer? Mind-blowing. Yup.
In other words, those robot cameras are probably actually Transformers and they were totally Sean’s idea.
Catherine’s mind is blown. Not in a good way.
The Apocalypse is coming.
We are watching a live wedding with a live honeymoon suite cam. What is the point of this? They aren’t even showing us a live reception (which, let’s be real, is the part of the wedding we’re most interested in anyways). A honeymoon suite cam is not necessary.
STOP THE PRESSES, PAPA LOWE IS MEETING ANDY DICK!
What are they talking about? Abandon the picture-in-picture! Go live to Andy and Papa Lowe! Who the heck is running this establishment? WHAT ARE THEY SAYING? WHY IS PAPA LOWE WAGGING HIS FINGER? WHY HAS THE HANDSHAKE GONE ON FOR SO LONG? WE NEED ANSWERS.
The Bachelor was a shoo-in (at least in our minds) for an Emmy before this. Now, we’re not so sure.
Arie is not over Emily Maynard.
He asks Jef if Emily is coming because, OBVS everyone is in touch with their ex about which weddings they are/aren’t invited to. Jef’s all, “Um, well, I don’t know that might be weird.”
Slow your roll, Arie. Emily’s engaged (again). You might be the kissing bandit, but we’re not sure you’re a fiance bandit.
Now, there’s a good chance that this entire conversation was prodded by the cameraman. To that we say, “FOR SHAME, ABC!” This staged convo should NOT have taken precedence over Papa Lowe talking to Andy Dick. Consider this a formal complaint.
It’s nice to be nice…
…especially if you have no idea what the bride’s vision for a grown sexy wedding means. Mindy Weiss is the GREATEST WEDDING PLANNER OF ALL TIME (we guess. We don’t actually know for sure, but we’re thinking that if you don’t steal the affections of the groom a la J.Lo in The Wedding Planner, you are probably the best wedding planner of all time), and she doesn’t even know what the heck Catherine is talking about. Seriously, look at her face.
No one knows what it means, but it’s provocative.
Apparently, that’s what Catherine is going for. She wants people to “feel so sexy, they conceive.” Mindy is beside herself.
At this point, we see the honeymoon suite cam again and watch a housekeeper remake a perfectly-made bed.
A note: When we picture a grown sexy font, this is not what we think of. This looks like it was doodled on a sixth-grader’s notebook.
Speaking of provocative…
Since ABC is paying for this shindig, they get to tell Sean and Catherine what to do, so they tell Sean to go to a lingerie store and pick out things for Catherine to wear so they can show another view of the honeymoon suite.
Sean is a little overwhelmed and embarrassed by this.
Remember when Juan Pablo ate those nachos? Yeah, this is worse.
They are flinging sprinkles and an intern is going to have to clean that up.
Wait, it gets worse. They are putting the icing on their lips. What about the other people that use that icing? That’s not your icing, Sean and Catherine! So many violations.
Where did this come from?
A store, Catherine. It came from a store.
Catherine says this is icing for her body. Hopefully, it’s not like the icing from the cake company. Oy. We’re pretending this didn’t happen.
Time for one more Chris Harrison therapy sesh!
Catherine and Sean wax poetic about how much they lurveeeeeeee each other. Then Chris Harrison brings up the wedding night again and we get another view of the honeymoon suite, which might include a disco ball.
Chris Harrison threatens to hide under the bed. This is creepy. Sean says he feels no pressure to perform because he can always take a mulligan.
After this awkward interview is over, Chris Harrison assures us that he’s going to leave them alone in the honeymoon suite. Thank God.
OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG
The bridesmaids and the (super hot) groomsmen come walking down the aisle. Then come the little kids, who look like they are conspiring to steal the rings they are supposed to be carrying to Sean and Catherine.
AND THEN AND THEN AND THEN! CATHERINE COMES AND SEAN CRIES AND THEY ARE REALLY GETTING MARRIED!
THE MOST BEAUTIFUL VOWS!
DO YOU SEE WHY OUR CAPS LOCK IS NOW BROKEN?!
Sean says he was drawn to her the moment he saw her, which is great if you’re Catherine and not so great if you’re one of the other 24 women who were on the show. Womp womp, ladies.
AHHH GOSH IT’S ALL SO BEAUTIFUL!
There are confetti cannons and again, we picture Chris Harrison running around like a madman pulling at them and shooting confetti into the sky. Now, every wedding without a confetti cannon is going to be boring.
“And now,” Sean tells Catherine, “we frolic.”
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