Ayyy, Juan Pablo. You’re not going to make this easy on us, are you?
Power Rankings are becoming quite the challenge this season with the shiverless (er, chivalrous) Juan Pablo in charge.
You see, most seasons, it’s pretty easy to tell who the Bachelor or Bachelorette is or isn’t into. They’ve either got the “hey there, let’s go to the projection room above the auditorium” look or the “I’m just fake-smiling and being polite until I can get rid of you at the next rose ceremony” look. It’s pretty cut and dry. You don’t have to be a member of the Mathletes to figure out who falls into which category.
BUT NOT WITH JUAN PABLO. He seems to be having this problem where he likes ALL OF THE WOMEN. The limit does not exist when it comes to the number of women he likes. Just when we think he’s about to start wavering on one of the girls, he’s like, “I’m really, really into her. She’s beautiful.” And we’re sitting there like, “What? That date sucked.” But apparently, in Juan Pablo’s mundo, every girl gets the “hey there, let’s go to the projection room above the auditorium” look—and therein lies our problem.
So, here’s to throwing our rankings at the wall and hoping something sticks…
Last week: #4
Yes, yes, we know. Andi didn’t get a one-on-one date this week. But Juan Pablo did eat her face at the concession stand AND she was the first to get her name called at the rose ceremony. So, all of that has to count for something, right?
Of all the girls who are left, it seems like Juan Pablo has the strongest connection with Andi right now. He is super into her. And we think she’s pretty fetch, too. She’s not obnoxious, she doesn’t start drama and she has nice hair. What’s not to like? I mean, she probably works 100 hours a week and would never see Juan Pablo or Camila if she won, but still, what’s not to like?
Last week: #3
You know, you could really tell that Cassandra was nervous at the beginning of her one-on-one date with Juan Pablo … probably because it was her first date in three years. But she handled herself very well … considering she hadn’t been on a date since she was 18. Also, just in case Cassandra wasn’t clear enough, we just wanted to make sure you were aware that her last date was three years ago.
ANYWAY, we do have to admit that we were wrong about Cassandra. We really didn’t think Juan Pablo would seriously consider a 21-year-old. But then, he found out about Trey Bay Bay and everything changed. He and Cassandra really do have a great connection, but we have to wonder if it’s just because they have kids. Their entire conversation during their date revolved around their offspring. Just imagine if they didn’t have kids. They wouldn’t have anything to talk about…
Last week: #5
We haven’t really seen a whole lot of Nikki so far, but in the few minutes that she is on camera, we like what we see. And so does Juan Pablo, apparently. Nikki managed to snag the group date rose, and they didn’t even kiss (nor did Juan Pabs feel her up)! So, if Nikki isn’t using her feminine wiles to woo Juan Pablo, she must be using sorcery … or a Jedi mind trick. Or maybe she’s just nice.
It’s probably sorcery though.
Last week: #2
Can you believe the NERVE of Kat?! Kat is not sweet! She’s a scum-sucking road whore!
How DARE she stick her crotch right by Juan Pablo’s head! And it was for like, 20 minutes! GASP! We are APPALLED!
…These girls need to get a grip. They were playing chicken in the pool. The last time we checked, chicken requires one person to sit on another person’s shoulders. Kat was smart enough to realize this was a way to spend time with Juan Pablo. The other girls were not. Kat – 1. Everyone else – 0.
Last week: #1
Sweet Jesus. Somebody needs to call Clare a waaaaaambulance.
It is literally Week 3. As in, we are only TWO episodes past the first cocktail party. TWO. Like, we haven’t even begun the traveling portion of the show yet. There is no need to lock yourself in the bathroom like you’re Cady Heron on the first day of school at this stage in the game. It’s just so unnecessary. Get it together, Clare.
Last week: #11
Hmm … not sure if legitimate contender or just nice girl Juan Pablo likes to look at.
See, this is what we’re talking about when we say Juan Pablo is making this hard on us. He likes ALL OF THE WOMEN, including Chelsie. We thought their one-on-one date was just so-so. We didn’t think Chelsie had great chemistry with Juan Pablo like Clare and Kat did. In fact, at one point, we actually thought Juan Pablo might send Chelsie home at the end of the date.
But then, without fail, Juan Pablo confuses us (also because he speaks broken English). We’re thinking the date sucked, and then he’s all like, “I’m really, really into Chelsie. She’s gorgeous. I had a great time.” Ayyy, Juan Pablo. No comprende.
Last week: #6
Yikes. Sharleen had a rough week. Let’s recap, shall we?
First, she got pelted with a ball.
Then, she got smacked in the face with some more balls (teehee).
Then, she had the most awkward kiss that we’ve ever witnessed.
The kiss continued. We shudder.
Then, she ugly-cried in Juan Pablo’s arms.
It was not a good week. Yet, somehow, Juan Pablo is still very much into her. If she could survive all this, she’s probably going to be around for quite a while—unless she sends herself home. Ayyy, Sharleen. Make up your mind.
Last week: #7
OK, what the heck is going on with Renee? We thought for sure she’d be an early frontrunner, but the only time she’s on our TV is when she’s playing house mom. Cassandra is totally stealing all of Renee’s single mom thunder.
Moral of the story? We need more Renee. We’re over the whole house mom thing. We want to see her with Juan Pabs. We will be totes disappointed if she goes home early, because she would be great for Juan Pablo and a great stepmom for Camila.
9. Kelly (and Molly)
Last week: #8
Ohh, Kelly. We’re pretty sure she was only brought on this show for comedic value—which we’re totally fine with. In fact, she could never utter another word to Juan Pablo again, and we wouldn’t care. As long as she keeps the jokes rolling in, that’s all that matters.
Last week: #12
We are three weeks in, and we still know next to nothing about this girl. The only thing we remember about her is that she essepted Juan Pablo’s rose with a resounding, “Siiiiiiii.”
Since she’s never on camera, she must be using all of her spare time to practice her Level One Spanish.
Last week: #9
Ohhh my God, Elise makes us want to pull our hair out. Her incessant whining about Chelsie is driving us (and everyone else) crazy.
“Oh my gawwwd, Chelsie is so young. She’s like, a baby.”
“I can’t stand how immature Chelsie is. She’s like, so young.”
“Wan Paablo isn’t looking for a girl like Chelsie. She’s too immature.”
“Chelsie is a baby. Wan Paablo doesn’t need someone who’s so immature.”
OMG, MAKE IT STOP.
Last week: #10
We fear that piano bike girl’s days may be numbered. Womp womp.
Last week: #15
WHO IS THIS GIRL? More importantly, why is she still here? Now we’re just pissed that she got a rose because Lucinda did not.
From here on out, Danielle is dead to us. She brings nothing to the table.
Goodbye, girl with the sequined skirt who wishes she would’ve opened up sooner (teehee). We hardly knew ye.
Oh Lucy, those fake tears realllly convinced us you were sad to leave.
Actually … come to think of it, she probably was sad to leave … her friends. Because we all know she definitely wasn’t sad to leave Juan Pablo.
Goodbye, Lucinda! We will miss you!
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