You can always count on The Bachelor to bring some knowledge to your Mondays.
Yes, you read that right. We just said The Bachelor is educational. Por ejemplo, last week, we learned that life is actually about straddling people. This was news to us. Thankfully, Victoria dropped that gem on us, and now, we need not contemplate the meaning of life. This week, we learned that if you take 21 and subtract three years from it, you get 18. That was drilled into our brains by Cassandra, the
former NBA dancer math teacher.
You know what else we learned? A long intro for this week’s episode wasn’t necessary. Chris Harrison didn’t do his standard monologue to open the episode, and if C. Harrizzle (that’s our nickname for him, word) doesn’t need an intro, neither do we. So here we go, it’s recap time!
“Your shirt is so bright!” —Anonymous
Chris Harrison comes bearing date cards and … wait a second, what the HECK is that shirt? That’s the ugliest effing shirt we’ve ever seen. Every single woman in that house hates that shirt, even Lucy, who doesn’t wear clothes.
Andi’s just like, “Wow.”
And Elise is like, “Only a CHILD would wear that shirt, right Chelsie? Wouldn’t you wear that shirt?”
This is why we’ve seen minimal drama in the first two episodes of this season. Chris Harrison is wearing the ugliest possible clothing, and thus, the girls are bonding over his awful fashion sense. This is genius for Bachelor Mansion peace, but very bad for, well, television.
Stay tuned, though. We have a feeling Chris’ clothes get better and, as his shirts improve, house harmony evaporates, thank God.
Love is a wild ride…
… says the date card, which of course, prompts guesses from the female brain trust as to where Cassandra is going to be whisked off to on her date with Juan Pablo. A few of the (real) guesses:
1. “Ooh!” — Wait, that’s not a guess.
2. “Roller coaster!” — No one is speaking in full sentences during this guessing game. They’re just throwing out words. If we were involved, we would obvs throw out the most random possible scenarios, like “Pancakes!” “Pancakes upside down!” “Riding a bike while
playing the piano eating pancakes!” All of our guesses would involve pancakes, basically. Anyway, back to the actual answers.
3. “Safari!” — Wait, what the deuce? Where, pray tell, is Juan Pablo going to take you on a SAFARI in California? Are you going to Calabasas to observe the Kardashians in their natural habitat? Good Lord. Safari is not a valid guess.
Enough guessing. On to the date.
Nope. They’re not. They’re driving that car right into the water. Hope you can swim, Cassandra.
She thought it was a car. Now, she’s not so sure. The actual answer is it’s a car that can float. We didn’t think this was rocket science, but unless Cassandra was an NBA dancer for the Rockets (doubtful) or a scientist (more doubtful, because you probably need to be older than 21 to graduate with a big, impressive science degree unless you’re a baby genius like Kelly or Elise), we’re going to think that maybe figuring out that cars can also be boats kind of felt like rocket science to her.
Cassandra hasn’t had a date since she was 18 years old.
Did you know that? Did you know that she hasn’t been on a date since she was 18? Has anyone told you? Do you want to relive all the ways Cassandra told us she hasn’t been on a date since she was 18? Here they are:
“I haven’t been on a date since I was 18.” — OH REALLY?
“My last date was three years ago.” — Huh. So 21-3, wait, were you just 18?
“This is my first date in three years. I don’t know, there’s just so many things in my head right now.” — Really? Because it seems to us like the only thing going on up there is you thinking about how long it’s been since you’ve been on a date.
“The last time a guy cooked for me was never.” — OK, so clearly the last guy you went out with (at 18 … ’cause Cassandra was 18 when she last went on a date. Don’t forget!) didn’t cook. Or maybe Cassandra doesn’t consider making Bagel Bites cooking.
“I haven’t had a first date since I was 18 years old.” — We’re seriously not making these up. We’re literally copying them verbatim from the show. These are the easiest 150 words we’ve ever written.
“The last time I felt this way about a guy was three years ago.” — Was that when you went on the date? When you were 18? And you went on a date? Three years ago? Have we hammered this point home enough? Apparently yes.
That’s really big because it’s the last gif (Really. Like, we’re done).
The NBA dancer can’t dance.
OK, crowd sourcing.
If a guy looked at you like this:
Now, in the real world, anyone who makes that face probably just watches too many Jenna Marbles videos.
And you might have something hanging out of your nose, so find a mirror just in case.
Kickin’ it with Juan Pablo!
What?! It’s a soccer date? We would have never guessed. If we were gamblers, we would have placed a lot of money on him taking them to play cricket before they played soccer. We are not good gamblers.
Dang. He looks good in soccer shorts. You know what would have tricked the women more? Tell them you were going on a football date. They would have thought American football and it would have been really funny. Missed opportunity, Juan Pabs.
Sharleen got hit in the side…
…and the face on this date.
Eat Andi’s face instead.
We would make more jokes, but that kiss was so disgusting, it was a joke in itself. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Gross.
Chelsie hasn’t been on a first date in a while, either.
Not again. Not again. Make it stop.
Whew, crisis averted. Chelsie doesn’t mention her dating dry spell again.
Juan Pablo’s just here to dance.
This. Guy. Dances. Everywhere.
He clearly isn’t that impressed with her car dance moves. Your days are numbered, Chelsie.
Cassandra and Elise are having a conversation.
These girls like to repeat things, like a lot.
Cassandra: “I haven’t been on a date since I was 18.”
Elise: “She’s like a child. She doesn’t have the maturity I have. She’s like a baby.”
Cassandra: “It has been three years since I have been on a date.”
OK, so their conversation didn’t really go like that, but it was just as boring. Cassandra is the youngest in the house. Elise is complaining about Chelsie being too young to the youngest person in the house. We’re not sure how this makes sense.
THIS IS WHAT YOU GET FOR ADMITTING YOU’RE AFRAID OF HEIGHTS!
Repeat after us, future Bachelor contestants. You are afraid of shopping. You are afraid of diamonds. You are afraid of spa days. You are afraid of pedicures and tanning by the pool. You are not afraid of heights, spiders, snakes, rappelling down tall buildings and all the other things you are actually afraid of. Capiche?
Also, what is with these Bachelors trying to kill their contestants? Sean did it. Now Juan Pablo’s trying to do it. Also, the girls who get these dates rarely end up the chosen one at the end. This is the Bachelor version of natural selection. Do not fall for it.
Guy Fieri gives them a safety talk.
Holy moly, macaroni.
Juan Pablo tries to get Chelsie to jump off a bridge. He says trust is important in a relationship. Call us crazy, but we think that means trusting the guy you’re with, not trusting the rubber band that’s attaching you to a bridge.
Homegirl is afraid of EDGES. She doesn’t like standing next to windows in tall buildings! And even though Juan Pablo doesn’t want to admit it, he’s scared too. He was so hoping she’d back out.
She’s nothing, if not consistent. She tells all of her woes to Kat, who pointedly reminds her that, GASP, Elise is not that much older than Chelsie. Elise also admits during this conversation that she doesn’t really know how old Chelsie is.
Popping Molly Pooping Molly.
Lucy gets up but is VERY mad she has to put clothes on. She decided to wear underpants and a T-shirt. We are not posting a picture of this. We’re pretending it didn’t happen.
Pool party, it’s a cool party.
…Unless you’re Kat and everyone hates you.
Christy, we don’t know ye. Was ye even here at all?
She asked me how to spell orange.
This is the place where we’ll highlight the stupidest thing said on each episode, like when Karen asked Damien how to spell orange.
“It kind of sucks that it’s soccer. I mean, do I look athletic at all?” —Kelly
This wasn’t stupid, but it was super funny. Kelly, you don’t look athletic. You have a dog on your shirt. You really took that whole dog lover thing to a whole new level. Too bad this wasn’t the cheese-eating date you wanted last week.
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