The Royal Wedding: Sean and Catherine get hitched!

Full disclosure: Sunday was almost too much for us to handle.

Between the Grammys and the WEDDING OF THE YEAR, Sunday was exciting, to say the least. We nearly broke the caps lock buttons on our phones and anyone that browses the “Recently Used” portion of our phone’s emoji section will find that we abused the hyperventilating, crying and dead emoji options.

Long story short, one day we will trick some poor, unsuspecting men into marrying us and when that happens, we will be very excited. We might not be as excited as we were to see Sean and Catherine get hitched, though. Only time will tell. Until then, we can only write a recap of their journey to wedded bliss so we can relive it over and over and over.
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Juan-uary recap: Bachelor Love Stories

What is love?

It’s not just a bad disco song. It’s also found on national television shows with millions of people watching. In case you forgot, there’s this little show called The Bachelor that has helped drunk 20-somethings find love and get free weddings for more than 10 years, and last night, we celebrated this cultural phenomenon with a little special called Love Stories.

In other words, ABC decided to toot its own horn for an hour and we ate it up. Let’s take yet another trip down Bachelor special memory lane, shall we?

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Juan-uary recap: Behind the Scenes

It’s like Grace Potter and Kenny Chesney always say, “One (episode of the Bachelor) is one too many, one more (episode of the Bachelor) is never enough”.

Seriously, one two-hour episode is usually too much for our little brains to handle. So adding a bonus Sunday episode is not only sending us into a colossal tizz, it’s also giving us a hankering for something just insane, like a 24-hour Bachelor network or something. We love the Bachelor so much, we were one of the 12 people to choose it over the Golden Globes (don’t worry, we watched the GGs on DVR, so we still have something to talk about at the water cooler). Not only that, but we watched the whole thing AGAIN in order to write this recap.

If that’s not dedication, well, you can’t sit with us.

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Juan-uary recap: Countdown to Juan Pablo

Hola, y’all!

Hola, y'all

About this time every year, we, as a nation, settle in for another season of watching drunken 20-somethings (and the token 30 year old) stumble their way to pseudo-stardom on the Bachelor. As we watch, we ask ourselves, between chugging wine straight from the bottle and ushering chocolate chips into our mouths two-by-two as though they’re animals heading for Noah’s Ark, “Where on God’s green earth do they find these people?”

Well, worry no longer, because the dear, dear producers at ABC decided to SHOW US how they find these people. The answer? They don’t have to find them at all! The crazies come out of the woodwork and voluntarily offer to have their crazy broadcast on national television to judgmental women who have access to the Internet and can effectively TELL THEM HOW CRAZY THEY ARE! America, everybody.

So, without further ado, here’s our first recap of Juanuary and, we guess, our first recap of Juan Pablo’s love story.

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Happy New Year, Juan Pabs, now do these things


It’s 2014, y’all. There are obvs tons of things that are exciting about flippin’ that calendar, from champagne toasts and black-eyed peas to celebrating New Year’s Eve. (That kind of rhymed. We’re not saying we’re better poets than Chris Siegfried, but … we’re better poets than Chris Siegfried).

Anyway, all of those things are exciting, but let’s be honest, we’re actually most excited about the return of The Bachelor, which happens on January 6 and promises to be the BEST. AND. MOST. DRAMATIC. SEASON. EVER. How do we know this? Because Chris Harrison tells us every year and when Chris Harrison talks, you best listen.

In honor of this holiest of days, we decided to develop a few New Year’s Resolutions for our dear Bachelor, who has been tasked with the increasingly difficult plight of finding a soul mate whilst being tracked by an abundance of cameramen and women who are trying to catch you producing real, salty tears. We’re sure that Juan Pabs’ impending reality superstardom has left him little time to consider his goals for the year, so we’re gonna do him a solid and write them ourselves. No need to thank us, Juan Pabs. We’ll be here all season.

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It’s Halloween.

Oh my god, thanks Cady! We’d totally forgotten! We don’t even have a costume. What should we do?

OH. THAT’S RIGHT. REACH BACK INTO OUR TRUSTY VAULT OF HALLOWEEN COSTUMES BASED ON MEAN GIRLS AND THE BACHELOR/ETTE/PAD, OF COURSE. Y’all don’t have that? Sucks to suck, but we’re nice, so we’ll share. If you’re scramblin’ for a costume on this Ghoulish Thirsty Thursday, have at ’em. Also, if anyone says, “Why are you dressed in a Mean Girls costume? That movie came out in 2004,” you should totally answer, “One. It’s Throwback Thursday, so hush. Two. THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST ON MEAN GIRLS COSTUMES.” And then never talk to that person again because they do not deserve to sit with you.

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We’re baaaaaaack!


Janis, we have done none of these things. We have been miserable. These past two months have been terrible. In fact, we’ve decided to recap what we’ve been doing for the public record.

Consider this a summary of our pathetic offseason. You’ve been warned.

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