After the Final Rose: Juan Pablo and other stuff

Well, people, it’s all over.

The Neil Lane rock has been selected. The final rose has been accepted. The question has been popped. Guess it’s time for us to pack it in and go home, right?


Two hours of finale romance just isn’t enough. ABC now has to prove that this wasn’t all just some reality TV sham and thus, they’ve given us the After the Final Rose special, conveniently aired right after the actual finale. We always enjoy this bonus hour of Chris Harrison and co., so naturally it deserves its own recap.
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The Finale: All Des does is cry, cry, cry, no matter what

OK, OK, we’ll admit it. We were wrong. That two-part finale was everything we thought it wouldn’t be: dramatic, shocking, happy, sad, heartbreaking … pretty much any emotion you can think of. It was a roller coaster ride. We were convinced that this season would have the most boring and predictable ending ever. We gave Des a lot of flak for admitting so early on that she was in love with Brooks, and we hated on ABC even harder for not cutting out her numerous declarations of undying love. We saw this ending coming from a mile away. She was going to pick Brooks. But then, we got thrown for a loop, and nothing happened the way we thought it would. Maybe we’re just stupid, but we can honestly say that we didn’t know how this season was going to end until Des told Chris she loved him. Now THAT is the definition of a dramatic season. Well done, producers. It was nice to see Chris Harrison finally deliver on his oft-broken promise.

Alright, let’s get to the madness:

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Week 9: Hartbreak hotel

Has hell frozen over? Is the end of the earth upon us? Because we’re pretty sure Chris Harrison promised us the “most dramatic season finale ever” and we’re fairly certain that this time he’s actually going to deliver. We just…we can’t even. Monday was just too much. We have a Bachelorette finale hangover and we’re only halfway through the finale.

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Men Tell All: Juan Pablo, judge-y looks and more Juan Pablo

OK, we have to admit … the Men Tell All show is like, our favorite episode of every season. We always look forward to it, and we love watching it. But not for the reasons you might think. Yes, we love seeing the contestants rehash all the drama, and we like seeing the Bachelorette confront the guys who were there to promote their business ventures and become famous and all that nonsense. But none of that is as entertaining as watching the audience’s reactions to what is unfolding before them. There is nothing better! If we didn’t get to see 85 different camera shots of these women making the judge-iest faces ever, what would be the point of this show?! That’s right. There would be no point.

The same goes for our recap. What would be the point of this stupid thing if we didn’t include these women and their reactions? So, of course, we will. And they were on point last night. If you’ve never really paid much attention to these women, prepare yourself. Because you are in for a real treat. So, without further ado, we present to you our Men Tell All recap (featuring the most judgmental women the producers could find):

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Week 8: The Nate Debate and Hometown Dates

Ahh, hometowns. It’s nice to see you.

Hometowns are basically the most important episode of the entire Bachelorette season. It’s the turning point, if you will. Some seasons, though, we run into the dilemma we had on Monday night, and that’s when all the hometowns go well and you know that hearts are about to go breakin’.

So while there might not have been any obnoxious brothers (at least until they returned to the Bachelor Mansion) or trips to the embalming table, there’s still LOTS to talk about with these families.

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Week 7: Poetry and metaphors and SHUT UP

This was it. It happened. This was the episode — you know, that one episode that we’re inevitably subjected to every season — when the contestants turn everything they do into a metaphor for love. Every friggin’ year, it happens without fail. One of the guys could simply be putting on sunscreen and he would be like, “This reminds me a lot of my relationship with Des. I’m going to protect Desiree like I’m protecting my skin from the sun’s harmful rays.” Like, are you freaking kidding me? Does every little thing you do have to be related to love? Apparently, yes, it does. If you were trying to stifle your vomit during last night’s episode, you may not want to read on because this recap will include lots and lots of metaphors. You have been warned.

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Week 6: Goooooooool

If last week was Armageddon, this week’s episode should have been called There Will Be Blood (In Barcelona). James wants to be the Bachelor, three guys got sent home and our heads just exploded. Or maybe our heads exploded because we finally got some more Drew time this week. Whatevs, here’s the recap, ya filthy animals.
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Week 5: Armageddon!

Ahh, finally. All is right in Bachelorette World. This week’s episode was filled with drama, name-calling, insult-hurling, murder-threatening, early exits, a cringeworthy two-on-one date and, yes, yodeling.

While last week’s episode was very heartwarming and eye-opening, we felt completely out of our element. You just can’t make insensitive jokes during a tour of the Hurricane Sandy devastation and a subsequent date between a couple who lost their home because of the storm. It just ain’t the right thing to do. But this week, it is the right thing to do. We have a week of lost time to make up for, so we aren’t holding back. May the wit and sarcasm drip from our lips this week like it never has before.

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Week 4: Storms and speedos

Say goodbye to the Bachelor Mansion, everybody. We’ve officially begun the jet-setting portion of the Bachelorette season. This means that all of the drama and hot tub excursions will be taking place in a different (and probably cleaner) setting. It’s all hotels and coach flights from here on out, people. How far will these contestants go for love? This week, they’d go as far as New Jersey. And boy, were they thrilled.
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Week 3: You threw rocks at my face!

Chris Harrison, you are a man with many tricks up the sleeve of your Chris Harrison Collection shirt.

And apparently, this was the week that he decided to unload all of those tricks. First, he reveals that there will be two group dates and only one one-on-one date. Then, he launches his own investigation into Brian’s shady past and storms into the mansion with some woman who is both angry and Brian’s girlfriend. Then, after that, he surprises us all with the announcement that a daytime pool party will be replacing the usual cocktail party. This episode was anarchy. All the rules were broken. We had to watch the episode twice just to make sense of it all. We’re still trying to wrap our minds around that whole pool party instead of cocktail party thing, but for the most part, we’ve figured it all out and we’re ready to break it down for ya:

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