We have a problem with Juan Pablo.
Who me? Yes, you, Juan Pablo.
This guy just does. not. have. a. type. In previous seasons, we knew what each Bachelor was looking for. Sean was looking for someone goofy and fun that shared his sense of humor and had a heart as big as his muscles. By contrast, Ben wanted to date someone pretty. That was it. Just pretty, because Ben was kind of goofy looking. He couldn’t handle the pressures of the Bachelor and that’s why he’s the worst Bachelor of all time.
At this point, Juan Pablo is falling somewhere in the middle. There are times when he shows flashes of promise, tiny instances where it seems as though he’s looking for a ladyfriend with drive and motherly instincts. But just as quickly as those moments appear, they vanish, faster than Lucy’s shoes in the Bachelor limo, and he’s back to searching for someone he can boogie with to bad K-pop music. It’s confusing, really, for us, and, we’re sure, his pool of women.
Basically, we want to grab Juan Pabs by the shoulders, shake him a little bit and yell, “WHAT DO YOU WANT, EL BATCHELOR?” Because we honestly do not know. And thus, this season, these Power Rankings could also be called the We Have No Stinkin’ Clues. We’re basically just taking Juan Pablo’s top tier of very different women and ordering them based on who he swapped the most spit with, and then haphazardly grouping everyone he hasn’t really kissed at the bottom, because, well, their days are numbered.
In short, these Power Rankings are like Sean’s groomsmen. The top five or six are actually legit contenders. The others are fluff, added to fill out space and time and make sure that the wedding party (or entire season) doesn’t look completely look uneven.
Last week: #7
See, this is what we mean. Last week, Sharleen was getting pelted by soccer balls and swapping nasty kisses with Juan Pablo. Then, this week, she tells Juan Pablo she’s kind of iffy about having kids and he completely overlooks it. This is shocking because, hola, Juan Pablo, TIENES UNA HIJA. Recuerdas? Camila? (Roughly translated: YOU HAVE A KID, REMEMBER?)
For most fathers, this would be a red flag, but not our Bachelor. He gives Sharleen a rose anyways. She’s one of Juan Pablo’s favorites and we think he likes her so much that she can’t really do any wrong right now. So this week, since she got the only solo date and she managed to say the exact thing that should have maybe given Juan Pablo pause and still got a rose, she’s jumping six spots to No. 1.
Last week: #1
Andi hasn’t gotten a one-on-one date yet, but it’s safe to say she’s on the fast track to the hometown dates. In fact, if Juan Pablo wasn’t so clearly smitten with Sharleen, Andi would have retained the No. 1 slot in this week’s Power Rankings. She didn’t even have to kiss Juan Pablo this week and she still got a rose! That’s skillz. Or love. Or something.
Last week: #5
We know, we know. Clare didn’t get an early rose. But anyone that can confess to a guy that they threw up in their mouth and then swallowed it back down and still get a kiss from the dude who vowed not to kiss anyone that night is probably a frontrunner in this competition. I mean, did you read that last sentence? She threw up in her mouth. She proceeded to swallow her own vomit. She confessed this to the Bachelor, who had just given someone the ole “I’m not kissing anyone tonight because my mouth and tongue have been out of control the last few weeks and I have a kid” excuse. AND THEN THE BACHELOR KISSED HER. Gross. This is so gross and the grossest thing about it is we didn’t make any portion of it up. It’s all true. Hope it was worth it, Clare, because you just confessed that you swallowed your own puke on national television and all you got was the No. 3 spot in the Bachelor Burn Book Power Rankings. Congratulations?
Last week: #3
Nikki finally got her kiss from Juan Pablo! And she also got a lot of the girls to dislike her! The best part of this is that she doesn’t really care. In fact, she didn’t even know all the girls didn’t like her. When Juan Pablo asked her about house issues, she was actually surprised. She had no clue and we have a theory as to why. This happens every season. Everybody talks about everyone else and then one person says the wrong thing about the wrong person and suddenly, they’re negative and mean. They become the villain. It’s part of being on this show and until Nikki proves otherwise and does something REALLY, REALLY mean, we’re not buying what the other contestants are selling. Nikki’s a contender and that’s why she’s fourth on this list.
Last week: #2
Cassandra didn’t get a lot of screen time this week, but we’re not too worried about that, if only because we didn’t have to hear about how long it’s been since she’s been on a date (she was 18 the last time she went on a date, in case you’d forgotten). She stayed out of the drama today and got a rose. She’s coastin’, just like that boat/Jeep she rode with Juan Pablo last week. It’s smooth sailing for Cassandra…for now.
Well, at least she’s consistent. She could be a dark horse in this whole thing. She could also go home next week. We have no idea. There’s nothing wrong with Chelsie. She’s funny. She’s staying out of all the drama. She seems positive, and she likes kids. She’d be a fine match for Juan Pablo. If we knew what the heck Juan Pablo wanted, we would know if she should be ranked higher than No. 6 or lower, but Juan Pablo doesn’t have a type because he hates us and wants to make our Power Rankings as difficult as possible. Therefore, Chelsie’s just gonna hang out at No. 6 until we can make a decision one way or another.
Last week: #8
There are two single moms on this show and one of them has stolen Juan Pablo’s heart. That mom is not Renee. We thought she might get a solo date this week so he could decide if she should stay or go, but alas, that did not happen. We think Juan Pablo likes her just enough to keep her around. We also think he’s figured out she’s the house mom and he’s keeping her around to keep all these women in check so he doesn’t have to deal with their drama. This a smart strategy for Juan Pablo, but probably not the nicest thing for Renee. Mark our words, as soon as Juan Pablo sends her home, the real shenanigans in that house are going to get started.
Last week: #8
We hope Kelly makes it to the finals because she is hilarious. Unfortunately, we don’t think that’s going to happen. We’re not even convinced she’s spent a lot of alone time with Juan Pablo at this point. Maybe we’ll see them interact a little bit more this week? Actually, scratch that, we don’t actually care if Juan Pablo and Kelly converse. We just want to see her and Andi impersonate the other contestants.
Last week: #4
Kat can dance. Juan Pablo likes to dance. We think that this is the first — and only– reason Juan Pablo is hanging on to her at this point. We’re just not seeing the connection between them. We could be wrong (it’s happened before, more often than we care to admit), but probably not.
Last week: #10
Alli plays soccer and can say four words in Spanish. She has collected three roses and we would be very shocked if she collects another, much less a half-dozen.
Last week: #13
“Hi, Danielle. Have you met Juan Pablo yet? You have? Have you… have you been here the whole time? Whoops.”
Well, Juan Pablo likes them better, so there’s that. On the plus side, this girl owns more sequins than anyone we’ve ever met. She’s nicer than Tierra, but she’s also certainly packing more sparkle than Tierra was. She just can’t control it. She just can’t control her impulse to buy sparkly gowns.
You need to wear sunglasses to look at this girl’s closet. All the sequins. Just, all of them.
In the rejection heard around the world, Lauren was shot down when she tried to kiss Juan Pabs. Consider yourself lucky, girl. Based on the zoomed-in makeout shots we’ve seen so far this season, you’re probably not missing much.
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