Week 4: Seoul-sucking drama in South Korea

The best part of the season is here!

The drama is heightening! The cattiness is starting! The claws are starting to come out! People’s eyes are getting scratched out! It’s gettin’ scrappy! Someone’s gonna have to hold someone else’s errings!

What could be better?! …Nothing, that’s what—well, except our recap breaking it all down:

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Week 3: Kickin’ it with Juan Pabs

You can always count on The Bachelor to bring some knowledge to your Mondays.

Yes, you read that right. We just said The Bachelor is educational. Por ejemplo, last week, we learned that life is actually about straddling people. This was news to us. Thankfully, Victoria dropped that gem on us, and now, we need not contemplate the meaning of life. This week, we learned that if you take 21 and subtract three years from it, you get 18. That was drilled into our brains by Cassandra, the former NBA dancer math teacher.

You know what else we learned? A long intro for this week’s episode wasn’t necessary. Chris Harrison didn’t do his standard monologue to open the episode, and if C. Harrizzle (that’s our nickname for him, word) doesn’t need an intro, neither do we. So here we go, it’s recap time!

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Juan-uary recap: Bachelor Love Stories

What is love?

It’s not just a bad disco song. It’s also found on national television shows with millions of people watching. In case you forgot, there’s this little show called The Bachelor that has helped drunk 20-somethings find love and get free weddings for more than 10 years, and last night, we celebrated this cultural phenomenon with a little special called Love Stories.

In other words, ABC decided to toot its own horn for an hour and we ate it up. Let’s take yet another trip down Bachelor special memory lane, shall we?

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Week 2: Life is all about straddling people

The second week of every Bachelor season is always one of our favorites because it reminds us of the show’s true meaning. During the premiere, it can be so easy to lose sight of this. But now that the first cocktail party is over and all of the sexual predators (ahem, Amy J.) have been weeded out, we can now focus on what this show is really about—over-the-top dates, crying in public restrooms, getting white girl wasted, making friends and, of course, not being there for the right reasons.

We, however, are here for the right reasons—to be judge-y. So let’s start judging.

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Juan-uary recap: Behind the Scenes

It’s like Grace Potter and Kenny Chesney always say, “One (episode of the Bachelor) is one too many, one more (episode of the Bachelor) is never enough”.

Seriously, one two-hour episode is usually too much for our little brains to handle. So adding a bonus Sunday episode is not only sending us into a colossal tizz, it’s also giving us a hankering for something just insane, like a 24-hour Bachelor network or something. We love the Bachelor so much, we were one of the 12 people to choose it over the Golden Globes (don’t worry, we watched the GGs on DVR, so we still have something to talk about at the water cooler). Not only that, but we watched the whole thing AGAIN in order to write this recap.

If that’s not dedication, well, you can’t sit with us.

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Week 1: Here comes crazy!

Remember how Tierra couldn’t control her eyebrow?

We can’t control our excitement over this season of The Bachelor. Seriously. You know how it took us until Wednesday night to write this recap? That’s because we’ve actually been talking about The Bachelor for 48 hours. There was so much crazy, so many tears and so many mentions of the “journey” and all the other Bachelor words that we just. could. not. even. Anyways, the 48-hour hiatus resulted in nearly 2,000 words of musings about the beginning of what is surely (according to Chris Harrison, at least) the most dramatic season of The Bachelor ever.

So, without further ado, we give you the first legit full-episode recap of the season. Let’s just say, our journey of following Juan Pablo’s romantic journey (and impending assassination attempt) begins right now.

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Juan-uary recap: Countdown to Juan Pablo

Hola, y’all!

Hola, y'all

About this time every year, we, as a nation, settle in for another season of watching drunken 20-somethings (and the token 30 year old) stumble their way to pseudo-stardom on the Bachelor. As we watch, we ask ourselves, between chugging wine straight from the bottle and ushering chocolate chips into our mouths two-by-two as though they’re animals heading for Noah’s Ark, “Where on God’s green earth do they find these people?”

Well, worry no longer, because the dear, dear producers at ABC decided to SHOW US how they find these people. The answer? They don’t have to find them at all! The crazies come out of the woodwork and voluntarily offer to have their crazy broadcast on national television to judgmental women who have access to the Internet and can effectively TELL THEM HOW CRAZY THEY ARE! America, everybody.

So, without further ado, here’s our first recap of Juanuary and, we guess, our first recap of Juan Pablo’s love story.

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