Whatever the Heck We Want: The Bachelor Time Machine

In case you haven’t noticed, we really like things that are funny here at Bachelor Burn Book headquarters. Funny movies, funny TV shows, funny one-liners, we like ’em all. We would rather laugh than cry ANY DAY … unless of course, we’re crying from laughing, in which case we would pick crying over laughing and now we’re confused.

Anyway, we were laughing so hard during Andi and Kelly’s impression of Clare during this week’s episode. We didn’t cry, but we just laughed really, really hard. All that laughing got us thinking … what if Andi and Kelly were on every other Bachelor/Bachelorette/Bachelor Pad season? What if, for every awesome, hilarious, ridiculous moment in this show’s history, they were there, badly impersonating the contestants on this show? How awesome would that be?

The answer? Pretty dang awesome. While we can’t actually put them in a time machine and send them back to seasons past, we can make a top five list of moments we’d like them to impersonate, so that, if by some miracle of God, time machines ever do get invented, we wouldn’t have to waste time coming up with possible destinations. See? We plan ahead here at Bachelor Burn Book. (And if any of you happen to invent a time machine, you better call us first. Comprende?)

Week 4: Power Rankings

We have a problem with Juan Pablo.

 

Who me? Yes, you, Juan Pablo.

This guy just does. not. have. a. type. In previous seasons, we knew what each Bachelor was looking for. Sean was looking for someone goofy and fun that shared his sense of humor and had a heart as big as his muscles. By contrast, Ben wanted to date someone pretty. That was it. Just pretty, because Ben was kind of goofy looking. He couldn’t handle the pressures of the Bachelor and that’s why he’s the worst Bachelor of all time.

At this point, Juan Pablo is falling somewhere in the middle. There are times when he shows flashes of promise, tiny instances where it seems as though he’s looking for a ladyfriend with drive and motherly instincts. But just as quickly as those moments appear, they vanish, faster than Lucy’s shoes in the Bachelor limo, and he’s back to searching for someone he can boogie with to bad K-pop music. It’s confusing, really, for us, and, we’re sure, his pool of women.

Basically, we want to grab Juan Pabs by the shoulders, shake him a little bit and yell, “WHAT DO YOU WANT, EL BATCHELOR?” Because we honestly do not know. And thus, this season, these Power Rankings could also be called the We Have No Stinkin’ Clues. We’re basically just taking Juan Pablo’s top tier of very different women and ordering them based on who he swapped the most spit with, and then haphazardly grouping everyone he hasn’t really kissed at the bottom, because, well, their days are numbered.

In short, these Power Rankings are like Sean’s groomsmen. The top five or six are actually legit contenders. The others are fluff, added to fill out space and time and make sure that the wedding party (or entire season) doesn’t look completely look uneven.

Week 4: Seoul-sucking drama in South Korea

The best part of the season is here!

The drama is heightening! The cattiness is starting! The claws are starting to come out! People’s eyes are getting scratched out! It’s gettin’ scrappy! Someone’s gonna have to hold someone else’s errings!

What could be better?! …Nothing, that’s what—well, except our recap breaking it all down:

Week 4: Tweet Roundup

What’s the difference between a regular old reality show and a national phenomenon? Twitter traffic, of course. No Monday night Bachelor-viewing session is complete without perusing Twitter for instant analysis and opinions of the 27 contestants who are vying for love. But who has time to comb every inch of the web for the wittiest comments? We do. Here they are, in one neat little package.

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Want more Bachelor Burn Book? Follow us on Twitter @bachelorburnbk. We live tweet during every episode and offer our insights throughout the week on all things Bachelor-related.

Images on this blog are the property of ABC or their respectful owners.

Week 4: Burning Questions

Whew. We are all tuckered out from Sean and Catherine’s wedding!

With all the talk about grown sexy, the Honeymoon Suite Cam and more grown sexy, we need a break from this show for like, a hot second. We’re tired, mildly hungover and now frantically worrying if we will ever find a husband as perfect as Sean Lowe. It’s mentally exhausting. But ABC demands a lot of Bachelor Nation, so we gotta get focused and get ready for tonight’s episode of The Bachelor instead.

So, since all of you, like us, are probably spending today worrying whether you’ll ever find a husband like Sean Lowe, we’re here to help you take your mind off that for a few hours. Rather than freaking out over your love life, ponder over our Week 4 Burning Questions instead—because, honestly, we all know what’s more important here … The Bachelor, duh. You’ll figure out the whole marriage thing eventually.

Whatever the Heck We Want: Sharleen goes country

It ain’t easy getting the First Impression rose.

We thought Sharleen’s experience with the First Impression rose would go more smoothly than Tierra’s experience — especially because, well, Tierra was a real piece of work and Sharleen has “mundo” (at least according to Juan Pabs). Sharleen seemed normal and we figured that her normalcy would win over the house and keep her from getting a target painted on her back.

We were (kinda) wrong.

Week 3: Power Rankings

Ayyy, Juan Pablo. You’re not going to make this easy on us, are you?

Power Rankings are becoming quite the challenge this season with the shiverless (er, chivalrous) Juan Pablo in charge.

You see, most seasons, it’s pretty easy to tell who the Bachelor or Bachelorette is or isn’t into. They’ve either got the “hey there, let’s go to the projection room above the auditorium” look or the “I’m just fake-smiling and being polite until I can get rid of you at the next rose ceremony” look. It’s pretty cut and dry. You don’t have to be a member of the Mathletes to figure out who falls into which category.

BUT NOT WITH JUAN PABLO. He seems to be having this problem where he likes ALL OF THE WOMEN. The limit does not exist when it comes to the number of women he likes. Just when we think he’s about to start wavering on one of the girls, he’s like, “I’m really, really into her. She’s beautiful.” And we’re sitting there like, “What? That date sucked.” But apparently, in Juan Pablo’s mundo, every girl gets the “hey there, let’s go to the projection room above the auditorium” look—and therein lies our problem.

So, here’s to throwing our rankings at the wall and hoping something sticks…

Week 3: Kickin’ it with Juan Pabs

You can always count on The Bachelor to bring some knowledge to your Mondays.

Yes, you read that right. We just said The Bachelor is educational. Por ejemplo, last week, we learned that life is actually about straddling people. This was news to us. Thankfully, Victoria dropped that gem on us, and now, we need not contemplate the meaning of life. This week, we learned that if you take 21 and subtract three years from it, you get 18. That was drilled into our brains by Cassandra, the former NBA dancer math teacher.

You know what else we learned? A long intro for this week’s episode wasn’t necessary. Chris Harrison didn’t do his standard monologue to open the episode, and if C. Harrizzle (that’s our nickname for him, word) doesn’t need an intro, neither do we. So here we go, it’s recap time!

Week 3: Tweet Roundup

What’s the difference between a regular old reality show and a national phenomenon? Twitter traffic, of course. No Monday night Bachelor-viewing session is complete without perusing Twitter for instant analysis and opinions of the 27 contestants who are vying for love. But who has time to comb every inch of the web for the wittiest comments? We do. Here they are, in one neat little package.

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

Want more Bachelor Burn Book? Follow us on Twitter @bachelorburnbk. We live tweet during every episode and offer our insights throughout the week on all things Bachelor-related.

Images on this blog are the property of ABC or their respectful owners.

Week 3: Burning Questions

There are some weeks when we really don’t want to write Burning Questions. Why? Because we can’t think of any questions to write.

…This is one of those weeks. We have racked our brains trying to think of something … anything to say in this post. But, alas, no thoughts (or questions) have emerged. Our creative juices have stopped flowing (probably because one of us has a never-ending cold), so we’ve given up. No Burning Questions this week. Sorry.