Week 4: Power Rankings

We have a problem with Juan Pablo.

Juan Pablo likes Cassandra

 

Who me? Yes, you, Juan Pablo.

This guy just does. not. have. a. type. In previous seasons, we knew what each Bachelor was looking for. Sean was looking for someone goofy and fun that shared his sense of humor and had a heart as big as his muscles. By contrast, Ben wanted to date someone pretty. That was it. Just pretty, because Ben was kind of goofy looking. He couldn’t handle the pressures of the Bachelor and that’s why he’s the worst Bachelor of all time.

At this point, Juan Pablo is falling somewhere in the middle. There are times when he shows flashes of promise, tiny instances where it seems as though he’s looking for a ladyfriend with drive and motherly instincts. But just as quickly as those moments appear, they vanish, faster than Lucy’s shoes in the Bachelor limo, and he’s back to searching for someone he can boogie with to bad K-pop music. It’s confusing, really, for us, and, we’re sure, his pool of women.

Basically, we want to grab Juan Pabs by the shoulders, shake him a little bit and yell, “WHAT DO YOU WANT, EL BATCHELOR?” Because we honestly do not know. And thus, this season, these Power Rankings could also be called the We Have No Stinkin’ Clues. We’re basically just taking Juan Pablo’s top tier of very different women and ordering them based on who he swapped the most spit with, and then haphazardly grouping everyone he hasn’t really kissed at the bottom, because, well, their days are numbered.

In short, these Power Rankings are like Sean’s groomsmen. The top five or six are actually legit contenders. The others are fluff, added to fill out space and time and make sure that the wedding party (or entire season) doesn’t look completely look uneven.

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Whatever the Heck We Want: It’s going down, we’re yelling Tinder

Wait, that’s not how the song goes? Whoops, our bad.

Anyways, as we were watching this week’s episode of the Bachelor (twice. The things we DO for you people!), we had a thought. We’re not ashamed pretty ashamed to admit that we know what this whole Tinder phenom is all about. You rate guys based on their looks — swipe left for fugly! swipe right for handsome! –and hope that they thought you were cute. It’s superficial and weird and a sad, sad statement about our generation’s dating techniques, but it’s a thing and it’s hilarious and now we know why.

It’s because it’s BASICALLY the Bachelor(ette) premiere in mobile form.

Before we get too far into this (and believe us, we will), we’ve got to explain what the heck is going to be happening in the Bachelor Burn Book on Fridays. We felt confined by the Glen Cocos (and the Party Fouls, but no one remembers those). We had trapped ourselves in a box of our own design.

So we’ve developed the “Whatever the Heck We Want” feature. It will run on Fridays and it will be ridiculous. Some weeks, it might be the Glen Cocos. Other weeks, it might be an interview or a random post like the one you’re reading now. There are no rules here, because we’re not a regular blog, we’re a cool blog and you’re going to want to check in here on Fridays. Now, back to your regularly scheduled post…

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Week 1: Power Rankings

Welcome to the Bachelor Burn Book Power Rankings, folks!

Juan Pablo has officially begun his quest to find love, and he’s got quite the journey ahead of him (We said journey. Drink!). With so many crazy wonderful women in the house, we could tell that Juan Pablo was feeling a little … overwhelmed meeting all of them. But not to worry, Juan Pabs. We are here to help you weed through the spray tans and horrible Spanglish to find the woman of your dreams (preferably one who can dance, since we know how important that is to you).

If you’re new to our Power Rankings, we’ll bring you up to speed. Here’s how it works:

Every week, we’ll tell you who we think did the best, who did the worst and who got completely lost in the shuffle on the latest episode of The Bachelor. We’ll rank (and kind of judge) the women based on their interactions with each other and with Juan Pablo. Of course, we’ll factor in how we think Juan Pabs views each of his female suitors, as well. Just think of it as if we’re seating the women at the appropriate tables in the Mean Girls cafeteria.

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Week 1: Here comes crazy!

Remember how Tierra couldn’t control her eyebrow?

We can’t control our excitement over this season of The Bachelor. Seriously. You know how it took us until Wednesday night to write this recap? That’s because we’ve actually been talking about The Bachelor for 48 hours. There was so much crazy, so many tears and so many mentions of the “journey” and all the other Bachelor words that we just. could. not. even. Anyways, the 48-hour hiatus resulted in nearly 2,000 words of musings about the beginning of what is surely (according to Chris Harrison, at least) the most dramatic season of The Bachelor ever.

So, without further ado, we give you the first legit full-episode recap of the season. Let’s just say, our journey of following Juan Pablo’s romantic journey (and impending assassination attempt) begins right now.

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Preseason Power Rankings

We’re baaaaaaaack! You know what that means?! It’s the most Juanderful time of year again!

The Bachelor is back! Juanuary is here! Two hours of Juan Pablo every Monday! Lots of wine consumption! So much excitement! And what better way to kick off this glorious season than with our preseason power rankings?! Yes, that’s right. We have combed through all 27 bios, made our initial superficial judgments and ranked the women from least crazy to super crazy. Enjoy!

P.S. If you would like to read (and laugh at) the women’s full bios, click here.

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