Week 4: Seoul-sucking drama in South Korea

The best part of the season is here!

The drama is heightening! The cattiness is starting! The claws are starting to come out! People’s eyes are getting scratched out! It’s gettin’ scrappy! Someone’s gonna have to hold someone else’s errings!

What could be better?! …Nothing, that’s what—well, except our recap breaking it all down:

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Week 3: Burning Questions

There are some weeks when we really don’t want to write Burning Questions. Why? Because we can’t think of any questions to write.

…This is one of those weeks. We have racked our brains trying to think of something … anything to say in this post. But, alas, no thoughts (or questions) have emerged. Our creative juices have stopped flowing (probably because one of us has a never-ending cold), so we’ve given up. No Burning Questions this week. Sorry.

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Week 2: Life is all about straddling people

The second week of every Bachelor season is always one of our favorites because it reminds us of the show’s true meaning. During the premiere, it can be so easy to lose sight of this. But now that the first cocktail party is over and all of the sexual predators (ahem, Amy J.) have been weeded out, we can now focus on what this show is really about—over-the-top dates, crying in public restrooms, getting white girl wasted, making friends and, of course, not being there for the right reasons.

We, however, are here for the right reasons—to be judge-y. So let’s start judging.

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Week 2: Burning Questions

Aaaaaand they’re off! The first cocktail party is over, Juan Pablo has met all of his women (and forgotten half), the wine is flowing (both at our house and at the Bachelor Mansion), the driveway has been hosed down (only at the Bachelor Mansion, not at our house), the girls are (still) attempting to speak Spanish (which is more like Spanglish), and the first round of dates is set to begin!

With another episode of drama, debauchery and general nonsense upon us, we, here at Bachelor Burn Book headquarters, have a lot of questions. Most of them have to do with Lucy, but those are questions we will likely never get the answers to. So, here are some legitimate (ish) questions we came up with instead:

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Juan-uary recap: Countdown to Juan Pablo

Hola, y’all!

Hola, y'all

About this time every year, we, as a nation, settle in for another season of watching drunken 20-somethings (and the token 30 year old) stumble their way to pseudo-stardom on the Bachelor. As we watch, we ask ourselves, between chugging wine straight from the bottle and ushering chocolate chips into our mouths two-by-two as though they’re animals heading for Noah’s Ark, “Where on God’s green earth do they find these people?”

Well, worry no longer, because the dear, dear producers at ABC decided to SHOW US how they find these people. The answer? They don’t have to find them at all! The crazies come out of the woodwork and voluntarily offer to have their crazy broadcast on national television to judgmental women who have access to the Internet and can effectively TELL THEM HOW CRAZY THEY ARE! America, everybody.

So, without further ado, here’s our first recap of Juanuary and, we guess, our first recap of Juan Pablo’s love story.

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The Finale: Burning Questions

This finale is going to be epiiiiiiiic. You know why? BECAUSE THERE MIGHT NOT BE A FINALE! Whaaaaa?!

Everything is broken. Des’ heart is broken. Brooks’ heart is broken. Neil Lane’s heart is broken because he might not get to give away a ring fo’ free. Brooks’ hair … well, that was always broken. Even Chris Harrison’s heart is broken. Basically, everything is broken. So, obvs, we’re super excited for tonight’s episode. What the deuce is going to happen?! How long will it take Des to stop crying and make a decision? Will Chris Harrison make everything better? We know every Monday we always say that we have a lot of questions about the upcoming episode, but this week, we are freakin’ serious. We ACTUALLY do have a lot of questions this time. Here are the three that have really been bugging us for the past 168 hours:

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Week 9: Burning Questions

This is it. The time is here. The most shocking, dramatic episode EVER is coming TONIGHT. At first, we didn’t believe our boy Chris Harrison was telling the truth because, well, he always says that. He insisted that the finale of Sean’s season was going to be the most dramatic ever, but then we watched it … and dramatic it was not. Catherine wrote Sean a love note, he proposed, they took a ride on an elephant and the rest is history. Like, helloooo?! Chris, that is so not dramatic! But this episode … we’ve got a feeling about this one. We were, once again, going to write off Chris Harrison’s infamous claim, but then … we saw that preview. And we were all like, “Umm, I don’t think he’s joking this time, dude.” So, now, we’re super pumped. We’ve been building this episode up in our minds ALL WEEK. What’s going to happen?! Why does everyone feel the need to cry ALL THE TIME? Is it really going to be dramatic, or are we in for another letdown? These are the things we wonder. Oh, and these three things too:

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