Week 4: Burning Questions

Whew. We are all tuckered out from Sean and Catherine’s wedding!

With all the talk about grown sexy, the Honeymoon Suite Cam and more grown sexy, we need a break from this show for like, a hot second. We’re tired, mildly hungover and now frantically worrying if we will ever find a husband as perfect as Sean Lowe. It’s mentally exhausting. But ABC demands a lot of Bachelor Nation, so we gotta get focused and get ready for tonight’s episode of The Bachelor instead.

So, since all of you, like us, are probably spending today worrying whether you’ll ever find a husband like Sean Lowe, we’re here to help you take your mind off that for a few hours. Rather than freaking out over your love life, ponder over our Week 4 Burning Questions instead—because, honestly, we all know what’s more important here … The Bachelor, duh. You’ll figure out the whole marriage thing eventually.

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Week 3: Power Rankings

Ayyy, Juan Pablo. You’re not going to make this easy on us, are you?

Power Rankings are becoming quite the challenge this season with the shiverless (er, chivalrous) Juan Pablo in charge.

You see, most seasons, it’s pretty easy to tell who the Bachelor or Bachelorette is or isn’t into. They’ve either got the “hey there, let’s go to the projection room above the auditorium” look or the “I’m just fake-smiling and being polite until I can get rid of you at the next rose ceremony” look. It’s pretty cut and dry. You don’t have to be a member of the Mathletes to figure out who falls into which category.

BUT NOT WITH JUAN PABLO. He seems to be having this problem where he likes ALL OF THE WOMEN. The limit does not exist when it comes to the number of women he likes. Just when we think he’s about to start wavering on one of the girls, he’s like, “I’m really, really into her. She’s beautiful.” And we’re sitting there like, “What? That date sucked.” But apparently, in Juan Pablo’s mundo, every girl gets the “hey there, let’s go to the projection room above the auditorium” look—and therein lies our problem.

So, here’s to throwing our rankings at the wall and hoping something sticks…

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Whatever the Heck We Want: The Glen Cocos

They’re back!

Well, for this week, at least.

Listen, we’ve got some awesome (or, we think they’re awesome) things planned for the Whatever the Heck We Wants. I mean, really, it’s gonna be gettin’ cray up in the Bachelor Burn Book on Fridays. We’re excited about them, but at the same time, we just can’t quit the Glen Cocos. When we told you they would be back, we were serious. And so, here they are.

So, yeah, this week the Glen Cocos are back. This episode just had too much potential to leave the Cocos in Regina George’s incredibly spacious closet. In case you’re new here, or it’s just been so long since your eyes have graced the Glen Cocos that you’ve forgotten how they work (for shame!), here’s a review:

Glen Coco

Basically, The Glen Cocos are a rotating awards system. We’ll make up a bunch of random awards and hand them out to people each week. Some will be serious. Most of them will (hopefully) be funny. In your mind’s eye, picture them being handed out by Chris Harrison dressed in a Santa suit.

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Week 2: Power Rankings

You know what makes the Bachelor’s job really easy?

When contestants start eliminating themselves (Victoria, take a bow! Or you could just straddle something because, after all, that is your purpose in life, is it not?)

You know what else makes the Bachelor’s job really easy?

When we rank all of his suitors for him. See? We’re not just a snarky blog that cares too much about Mean Girls and the Bachelor. We’re also here to help!

If you’re newer here than Cady was during the first 20 minutes of Mean Girls, here’s how the Power Rankings work:

Every week, we’ll tell you who we think did the best, who did the worst and who got completely lost in the shuffle on the latest episode of The Bachelor. We’ll rank (and kind of judge) the women based on their interactions with each other and with Juan Pablo. Of course, we’ll factor in how we think Juan Pabs views each of his female suitors, as well. Just think of it as if we’re seating the women at the appropriate tables in the Mean Girls cafeteria.
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Week 2: Burning Questions

Aaaaaand they’re off! The first cocktail party is over, Juan Pablo has met all of his women (and forgotten half), the wine is flowing (both at our house and at the Bachelor Mansion), the driveway has been hosed down (only at the Bachelor Mansion, not at our house), the girls are (still) attempting to speak Spanish (which is more like Spanglish), and the first round of dates is set to begin!

With another episode of drama, debauchery and general nonsense upon us, we, here at Bachelor Burn Book headquarters, have a lot of questions. Most of them have to do with Lucy, but those are questions we will likely never get the answers to. So, here are some legitimate (ish) questions we came up with instead:

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