Whatever the Heck We Want: The Bachelor Time Machine

In case you haven’t noticed, we really like things that are funny here at Bachelor Burn Book headquarters. Funny movies, funny TV shows, funny one-liners, we like ’em all. We would rather laugh than cry ANY DAY … unless of course, we’re crying from laughing, in which case we would pick crying over laughing and now we’re confused.

Anyway, we were laughing so hard during Andi and Kelly’s impression of Clare during this week’s episode. We didn’t cry, but we just laughed really, really hard. All that laughing got us thinking … what if Andi and Kelly were on every other Bachelor/Bachelorette/Bachelor Pad season? What if, for every awesome, hilarious, ridiculous moment in this show’s history, they were there, badly impersonating the contestants on this show? How awesome would that be?

The answer? Pretty dang awesome. While we can’t actually put them in a time machine and send them back to seasons past, we can make a top five list of moments we’d like them to impersonate, so that, if by some miracle of God, time machines ever do get invented, we wouldn’t have to waste time coming up with possible destinations. See? We plan ahead here at Bachelor Burn Book. (And if any of you happen to invent a time machine, you better call us first. Comprende?)

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Week 2: The Glen Cocos

Ho ho ho ho ho! We have candy-cane-grams and awards to hand out!

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Well, actually, we have awards sans the candy-cane-grams. So, hopefully you’re not too disappointed. We may have left the candy-cane-grams with Damien, but we brought our most judgmental and witty set of jokes for this post. If you don’t think they’re that funny … well, sorry, we tried.

If you’re reading this and thinking, “Awards? Glen Cocos? What the deuce is this?”, here’s the jist:

Basically, The Glen Cocos are a rotating awards system. We’ll make up a bunch of random awards and hand them out to people each week. Some will be serious. Most of them will (hopefully) be funny. In your mind’s eye, picture them being handed out by Chris Harrison dressed in a Santa suit.

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Women Tell All: Burning Questions

The catfights! The heartbreak! The Eyebrow! We truly hope that all of this–and much more–is included in this season’s Women Tell All. We hope Tierra is still evil. We hope Lesley is still hilarious. We hope Daniella is still drunk. We also hope that we get these Burning Questions answered.

1. Will AshLee speak to Sean?

Or will she just stare? We’ve mentioned in our Power Rankings that we empathize with AshLee, but we still hope that she has collected her thoughts enough to actually talk to Sean and try to get some closure from this whole experience. The eliminations of Des and AshLee were heartbreaking for different reasons, but at least Des said her piece and can (hopefully) move on. We hope AshLee can do the same at Women Tell All.

2. Who the heck would marry Tierra?

Can we meet this guy? Is he a martian? Does he have no female friends that Tierra must associate with? Does he also have an uncontrollable eyebrow? We’re not sure what creature would marry Tierra, but we hope that they are very happy together. We would love to see Chris Harrison bring this guy out on stage and see what, exactly, he sees in Tierra that the rest of America didn’t get to see. But, alas, we fear that this is but an empty dream. This guy probably wants to stay on the DL until Tierra’s Bachelor drama blows over.

3. Is this the week Chris Harrison earns his paycheck?

Chris Harrison has one of the cushiest jobs in all of television. He jets around the country, organizes the picture room (no, just kidding, Elan probably does that) and gives awful advice that doesn’t really help anyone. That is, until Women Tell All. He has to manage 26 women talking at once, make at least two of them cry and then protect the Bachelor from all of the rejected contestants in case they decide to stage a mutiny, like the one at the water fountain at the mall. He’s basically the ringmaster of the Ringling Bros. circus only there are no animals, only women. This sounds like no fun, unless of course, you’re Chris Harrison. Because Chris Harrison is such a little skeeze.

The Hot Seat

Every week, we’ll pick one or two ladies who we think are in danger of getting sent home the following episode. Whether it’s because they’re causing tension in the mansion, had a night of drunken woopsies or just simply aren’t connecting with Sean, these ladies could find themselves in the Bachelor Burn Book Hot Seat … a place that would make even Regina George feel threatened.

There is no Hot Seat this week because this isn’t a real episode. It’s a filler episode where they get us really excited for the finale, feed us mere tidbits of updates about our favorite former contestants and we all watch anyways. We’re not complaining. We’re stating a fact. We love everything about the Bachelor and if they wanted to just show an hour of Sean showering, we’d be totally OK with that, DVR it, and watch it over and over again. Oh, wait, Millsy already pitched that? Never mind.

But you know what, just for the sake of it, we’ll put Tierra in the Hot Seat. At this point, we’re considering naming it the Hot Seat sponsored by Tierra’s Eyebrow.

Want more Bachelor Burn Book? Follow us on Twitter @bachelorburnbk. We live tweet during every episode and offer our insights throughout the week on all things Bachelor-related, except for this week ’cause we drunk.

Week 7: Sean Tells All

Tuesday was no ordinary day.

Tuesday was the day Sean would be divulging his best-kept secrets to millions of women who had nothing better to do than to watch Sean divulge his best-kept secrets. Although our beloved Bachelor never made any earth-shattering revelations, he did offer plenty of interesting insights and commentary on his nationally televised journey for love. We somehow doubt Sean really told “all,” but he did tell enough to make this recap at least semi-entertaining. So, here it is: our thoughts on the Sean Tells Some Stuff But Not That Much Stuff special event.

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Week 6: Power Rankings

Devastated.

That’s how this week’s episode of The Bachelor made us feel. Horribly devastated. Sean missed out on a once-in-a-lifetime relationship with a great girl. She has a genuine heart, a kind soul and eyebrows that would make Andy Rooney from 60 Minutes jealous. We just can’t understand why Sean would send Tierra home. We simply have no words. The only thing we do know is that Sean will regret this later.

Haha, yeah right. Let’s get real and get busy ranking the women who actually deserve to still be on the show.

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Week 6: I can’t control my eyebrow!

This week’s episode was wonderful. Absolutely, splendidly wonderful. From AshLee’s unexpected revelation to Tierra’s dramatic exit, we loved every minute of what The Bachelor had to offer us on Monday. We’ve got a lot to cover this week, so let’s get busy!

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Week 5: Burning Questions

Wow. That two-night Bachelor event was pretty … eventful, to say the least. The four hours of Bachelor madness certainly did not disappoint. However, the fighting, crying and sled-riding also left us with a multitude of questions that are in search of some answers. Here’s what we’re wondering about heading into tonight’s episode:

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