Whatever the Heck We Want: Sharleen goes country

It ain’t easy getting the First Impression rose.

We thought Sharleen’s experience with the First Impression rose would go more smoothly than Tierra’s experience — especially because, well, Tierra was a real piece of work and Sharleen has “mundo” (at least according to Juan Pabs). Sharleen seemed normal and we figured that her normalcy would win over the house and keep her from getting a target painted on her back.

We were (kinda) wrong.

Sharleen has become this season’s kissing bandit, nabbing smooches from el Batch-elor whenever his lips are free.

Ewwwwwww

Ewww again

Eww, gross. We’re sorry. We just had to remind you how bad this kiss looked. Because it looked really, really bad.

JP likes CassandraYeah, Juan Pablo. That was our reaction too.

It was totally acceptable behavior except, ya know, the girls are totally spying on her. They’re just sittin’ there, talking about how nice Sharleen is, and then before you know it, someone’s saying “How could anyone hate Sharleen? She’s such a little…SLUT!” Cady-Heron-style.

Have no fear, Bachelor contestants who aren’t named Sharleen. We feel your pain. We, too, have watched the boy we are (kinda, not really) dating drift into the arms of another.

And when that happens, we turn to the person who puts music to our pain — Queen Dolly Parton.

You see, our girl Dolly has a song about that and, as luck would have it, Sharleen’s name fits perfectly in it. So grab a glass of wine, crank up your speakers and belt it out with us, ladies. And while you’re at it, say a bless your heart for dear Dolly, who decided that purple velvet pantsuits with bell sleeves were en vogue many moons ago. [A note for Chris Harrison: please do not try to replicate this pantsuit. However, if you decided to sing this reworked version of the song at the next cocktail party, we would not be opposed, and we would certainly make sure the video makes it to YouTube.]

Sharleen/Jolene

Sharleen, Sharleen, Sharleen, Sharleen
I’m begging of you, please don’t take my man
Sharleen, Sharleen, Sharleen, Sharleen
Please don’t take him just because you can

Your beauty is beyond compare,
With flaming locks of auburn hair
With ivory skin and eyes of emerald green.
Your smile is like a breath of spring,
Your voice is soft, like summer rain,
And I cannot compete with you, Sharleen.

He talks about you in his sleep
There’s nothing I can do to keep from crying
When he calls your name, Sharleen.

Sharleen, Sharleen, Sharleen, Sharleen
I’m begging of you, please don’t take my man
Sharleen, Sharleen, Sharleen, Sharleen
Please don’t take him just because you can

You could have your choice of men
But I could never love again
He’s the only one for me, Sharleen.

I had to have this talk with you
My happiness depends on you
And whatever you decide to do, Sharleen.

Sharleen, Sharleen, Sharleen, Sharleen
I’m begging of you, please don’t take my man
Sharleen, Sharleen, Sharleen, Sharleen
Please don’t take him just because you can

See, it fits perfectly! Try watching the next episode without singing this song. We double-dog dare you.

Yeah, that’s what we thought.

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