Whatever the Heck We Want: The Bachelor Time Machine

In case you haven’t noticed, we really like things that are funny here at Bachelor Burn Book headquarters. Funny movies, funny TV shows, funny one-liners, we like ’em all. We would rather laugh than cry ANY DAY … unless of course, we’re crying from laughing, in which case we would pick crying over laughing and now we’re confused.

Anyway, we were laughing so hard during Andi and Kelly’s impression of Clare during this week’s episode. We didn’t cry, but we just laughed really, really hard. All that laughing got us thinking … what if Andi and Kelly were on every other Bachelor/Bachelorette/Bachelor Pad season? What if, for every awesome, hilarious, ridiculous moment in this show’s history, they were there, badly impersonating the contestants on this show? How awesome would that be?

The answer? Pretty dang awesome. While we can’t actually put them in a time machine and send them back to seasons past, we can make a top five list of moments we’d like them to impersonate, so that, if by some miracle of God, time machines ever do get invented, we wouldn’t have to waste time coming up with possible destinations. See? We plan ahead here at Bachelor Burn Book. (And if any of you happen to invent a time machine, you better call us first. Comprende?)

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Whatever the Heck We Want: Sharleen goes country

It ain’t easy getting the First Impression rose.

We thought Sharleen’s experience with the First Impression rose would go more smoothly than Tierra’s experience — especially because, well, Tierra was a real piece of work and Sharleen has “mundo” (at least according to Juan Pabs). Sharleen seemed normal and we figured that her normalcy would win over the house and keep her from getting a target painted on her back.

We were (kinda) wrong.

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Whatever the Heck We Want: The Glen Cocos

They’re back!

Well, for this week, at least.

Listen, we’ve got some awesome (or, we think they’re awesome) things planned for the Whatever the Heck We Wants. I mean, really, it’s gonna be gettin’ cray up in the Bachelor Burn Book on Fridays. We’re excited about them, but at the same time, we just can’t quit the Glen Cocos. When we told you they would be back, we were serious. And so, here they are.

So, yeah, this week the Glen Cocos are back. This episode just had too much potential to leave the Cocos in Regina George’s incredibly spacious closet. In case you’re new here, or it’s just been so long since your eyes have graced the Glen Cocos that you’ve forgotten how they work (for shame!), here’s a review:

Glen Coco

Basically, The Glen Cocos are a rotating awards system. We’ll make up a bunch of random awards and hand them out to people each week. Some will be serious. Most of them will (hopefully) be funny. In your mind’s eye, picture them being handed out by Chris Harrison dressed in a Santa suit.

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Whatever the Heck We Want: It’s going down, we’re yelling Tinder

Wait, that’s not how the song goes? Whoops, our bad.

Anyways, as we were watching this week’s episode of the Bachelor (twice. The things we DO for you people!), we had a thought. We’re not ashamed pretty ashamed to admit that we know what this whole Tinder phenom is all about. You rate guys based on their looks — swipe left for fugly! swipe right for handsome! –and hope that they thought you were cute. It’s superficial and weird and a sad, sad statement about our generation’s dating techniques, but it’s a thing and it’s hilarious and now we know why.

It’s because it’s BASICALLY the Bachelor(ette) premiere in mobile form.

Before we get too far into this (and believe us, we will), we’ve got to explain what the heck is going to be happening in the Bachelor Burn Book on Fridays. We felt confined by the Glen Cocos (and the Party Fouls, but no one remembers those). We had trapped ourselves in a box of our own design.

So we’ve developed the “Whatever the Heck We Want” feature. It will run on Fridays and it will be ridiculous. Some weeks, it might be the Glen Cocos. Other weeks, it might be an interview or a random post like the one you’re reading now. There are no rules here, because we’re not a regular blog, we’re a cool blog and you’re going to want to check in here on Fridays. Now, back to your regularly scheduled post…

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