Week 4: Seoul-sucking drama in South Korea

The best part of the season is here!

The drama is heightening! The cattiness is starting! The claws are starting to come out! People’s eyes are getting scratched out! It’s gettin’ scrappy! Someone’s gonna have to hold someone else’s errings!

What could be better?! …Nothing, that’s what—well, except our recap breaking it all down:

Juan Pablo is an expert wedgie-fixer.

It’s finally that time of the season when the Bachelor and his women venture outside the walls of the mansion and go be annoying Americans in other parts of the world. We’re pumped. Juan Pablo, however, is not. He has the major sadz because he has to leave Camila, the only normal girl on this show, to go be with the herd of crazies.

Juan Pablo and Camila

We can’t blame him.

But before Juan Pablo goes, he has one more fatherly duty to tend to…

Camila has a wedgie

Yes, poor little Camila has a wedgie.

ew-mean-girls

But Juan Pablo, being the loving father that he is, just volunteers to reach on down there and get her affairs in order.

Juan Pablo the wedgie-fixer

Those wedgies … they can be such a nuisance.

Oppan Gangnam style.

Chris Harrison, who apparently decided to start doing his job, stops by to visit the girls and make an announcement:

“Ehhhh, sexy ladies. You’re all going to South Korea!”

Chris Harrison does his job

The girls lose it.

the girls lose it

This girl feels liberated.

Screen Shot 2014-01-28 at 7.04.31 PM

Clare is crying.

Clare crying

Elise’s mouth is ajar.

Elise goes crazy

Clare is still crying because she doesn’t have a kimono.

Clare wants a kimono

We are laughing because kimonos are Japanese.

The girls are now jumping in a circle.

The girls jumping like idiots

Chris Harrison could have said literally anything, and the girls still would’ve lost it…

CH: “We’re going to drive you to the airport.”

The girls: “AHHHHHH!!”

CH: “Plane ride.”

The girls: “OMG OMG OMG OMG!!”

CH: “The flight is going to be 47 hours.”

The girls: “AHHHHHH!!”

CH: “We’re taking you to North Korea.”

The girls: “OMG, THIS IS SO EXCITING! I CAN’T WAIT!”

So, off they go to North South Korea—with enough luggage to make ABC pay $30,000 in baggage fees.

the girls bring all the luggage

Nikki doesn’t like to share.

Nikki decides that she’s totally over being excited about South Korea within like, 10 minutes because she’s stuck on the group date. Womp womp.

Nikki hates sharing

Nikki: “I don’t do well in group situations. I don’t have sisters at home, and I don’t have to share a lot of things at home … like my boyfriend. And I don’t know how to handle myself.”

Soo, does that mean if you do have sisters that you have to share your boyfriend? Call us old-fashioned, but we’re pretty sure sharing your boyfriend is a generally unaccepted form of behavior in society—unless you’re on Sister Wives.

The never-ending Juan Pablo Dance-A-Thon continues.

Yep, you guessed it. Juan Pablo has chosen yet another activity that involves dancing. Shocking, we know.

Juan Pablo loves to dance

Quick side note: You know how Sean Lowe made it his mission to choose as many life-threatening activities as possible? It is apparently Juan Pablo’s mission to choose dancing ALL THE TIME, EVERYWHERE. We get it, Juan Pabs. You like to bailar. You could have a girl who’s smart, funny and caring, but if she’s not a dancing machine, PASS.

Anyway, Juan Pabs tells the women they’ll be dancing to K-Pop with the Korean version of the Spice Girls.

Korean Spice Girls

The girls (er, most of them) are super excited.

Dancing in Korea

Nikki, on the other hand, just wants to sucker punch everybody.

Nikki hates to dance

Kat is so in her element!

Excitement literally does not even begin to describe the emotion Kat was feeling during this group date. She was FRICKIN’ AMPED. And she decided everyone needed to know just how good of a dancer she really was.

Kat loves to dance

She was showing off for the group.

Kat showing off3 Kat showing off2 Kat showing off1

She was dancing for the cameras.

Screen Shot 2014-01-28 at 7.36.48 PM Screen Shot 2014-01-28 at 7.36.47 PM Screen Shot 2014-01-28 at 7.36.43 PM Kat dancing

She even took over the Korean Spice Girls’ job of teaching the girls the dance routine.

Kat takes over for the Korean Spice Girls Kat the show off

Because, you guys, she’s totally an expert! I mean, this is SO her element! She was MADE for this.

Kat

Nikki even noticed how awesome Kat was at dancing being annoying.

Nikki: “If there was a sign that said, ‘I am the best at this,’ I’m sure she would put it on her forehead.”

Nikki wants to punch Kat

We’re right there with ya, Nikki. Right there with ya.

Nikki’s got the moves like Jagger our moms.

Words cannot adequately describe how epically horrible Nikki’s dancing was … so we will show you in pictures.

Nikki dancing6 Nikki dancing5 Nikki dancing4 Nikki dancing3 Screen Shot 2014-01-28 at 7.29.35 PM Screen Shot 2014-01-28 at 7.29.34 PM

Freaking. Epic. It was like a horrible combination of being a bad dancer and just not giving a crap. We loved it.

“We wanna invite you to have lunch with us every day for the rest of the week perform with us on stage for all of the Korean teenagers who can fit into this 5-story mall.” —Korean Spice Girls

Just when Nikki thought things couldn’t get any worse, the whole date went off the rails. The Korean Spice Girls told the group they would be performing live, on-stage for eleventy million screaming teenagers.

Kat starts jumping up and down like an idiot.

Kat Kat Kat Kat Kat jumping

Nikki’s head explodes.

Nikki's head explodes

Kat is still losing it.

Kat losing it Kat loses her shit

Nikki hopes that their audience has lost the ability to see:

“I hope that we’re performing for the South Korean School of the Blind.” —Nikki

Dead. Stick a fork in us. We literally could not stop laughing at this point in the show. I mean, if you’re gonna be a party pooper, you may as well be funny. Four for you, Nikki. You go, Nikki.

IT’S SHOW TIME!

Kat is ready to go.

Kat is ready to dance

Chelsie is ready to go.

Chelsie

Elise from Forty Fort is pumped.

Elise dancing

And Nikki, she’s PSYCHED.

Nikki

This performance is a disaster.

As it turns out, the people in the audience aren’t blind. Nikki hates her life.

Korean villagers

Kat stops following the choreographed dance routine because this is SO her element. And who needs a dance routine when you’re the best dancer ever?

Kat loses control Kat takes over Kat does what she wants Kat Kat Kat thinks she's the best dancer ever Kat again

The situation continues to spiral out of control. Kat leaves her designated spot and starts dancing all over the stage, which Nikki describes as looking something like this:

Nikki imitating Kat Nikki imitating Kat Nikki imitating Kat Nikki imitating Kat Nikki imitating Kat

Looks pretty accurate to us.

Elise breaks the cardinal rule of The Bachelor.

Later on in the group date, Nikki starts flapping her gums about how annoying Kat is and something about guacamole and yada yada yada.

Nikki runs her mouth

The guacamole comment must have been the breaking point for Elise, because she decided it was time to take matters into her own hands. Instead of using her time to get to know Waaan Paaablo, she felt it would be helpful to tell El Bachel-or that some of these women just aren’t here for the right reasons.

Elise: “There has to be girls that you know aren’t gonna be like, a good mother. So it’s like, it kind of bothers me ‘cause I’m like, ‘Why are they even here?'”

Elise breaks the cardinal rule

NOOOOOOOOO.

ELISE! YOU NEVER, EVER, EVER, EVER BRING THE DRAMA OF THE HOUSE TO THE BACHELOR’S ATTENTION. YOU WILL LOSE EVERY TIME.

Ugh, why these gurls so stupid?

Nikki is a great diaper-changer.

Nikki, who knows not to break the cardinal rule of The Bachelor, focuses Juan Pablo’s attention on something more positive … Camila. And she knows JUST how to convince Juan Pabs that she can take care of his daughter.

Nikki: “And I’m a great diaper-changer. Oh yeah, so fast.”

Nikki and Juan Pabs

This is sweet and everything, except…

CAMILA DOESN’T WEAR DIAPERS ANYMORE. SHE’S FOUR. She just needs someone to fix her wedgies.

Juan Pablo takes a page out of Des’ book.

Remember that time when Des told everyone like, three weeks in a row that she was going to pick Brooks? Well, Juan Pablo must’ve decided that seemed like a good idea too because he did the same thing:

Juan Pablo: “I like Sharleen since day one. I gave her First Impression Rose, and I wanted to give her special day for her because she likes travleing, different cultures. She is my favorite one right now.”

Juan Pablo

Umm, HELLO?! Do these people not know the rules of this game?!

We blame Des.

Des crying more

Juan Pablo learns to speak inglés.

Thank God Juan Pablo picked Sharleen for the one-on-one date or else he never would’ve found his way through the mice…

Juan Pablo: “I feel like I’m in a mice.”

Juan Pablo in a mice

Sharleen: “You’re in a … in a what? Oh, a maze.”

Juan Pablo stuck in a mice

Juan Pablo: “Oh … yeah, a maze.”

Sharleen also came in handy when Juan Pablo needed someone to explain to him why he wasn’t bland.

Sharleen: “It makes you … not bland.”

Juan Pablo: “Not bland? What does that mean?”

Juan Pablo is not bland

Sharleen: “Bland is like, when you taste something, it doesn’t really have any flavor.”

Juan Pablo: “We taste something today that were not bland.” (Btdubs, we did not type this wrong. He literally said “were not bland.”)

Juan Pabs doesn't know what bland means

Sharleen: “Everything we tasted today was not bland, and you are also not bland.”

Juan Pablo: “OK, perfect. I still don’t get it … but perfect.”

Confused Juan Pablo

Ohh, Juan Pabs. We wouldn’t mind getting stuck in a mice with you and your not-bland personality any day.

Sharleen inspects Juan Pablo’s bottom lip.

OH NO, SHARLEEN IS DOING THE WEIRD KISSING THING AGAIN.

This kiss was perhaps even more awkward than the one from last week. Let’s recap, shall we?

Sharleen starts by grabbing Juan Pablo’s bottom lip. She then spends a solid three seconds pulling on it and looking inside his mouth.

Sharleen inspects Juan Pablo's lip

Juan Pablo does not seem to find this strange.

He eats her face.

Juan Pablo eats Sharleen's face

Juan Pablo then bites Sharleen’s lip. And by “bite,” we don’t mean gentle massage. He clamped down on the sucker, bit hard and pulled.

Juan Pablo bites Sharleen's lip

Seriously, we can’t handle any more kissing between Sharleen and Juan Pablo. It gives us that dreadful awkward feeling like when you’re watching a movie with your parents and a sex scene comes on.

Yikes.

The other girls wanted three kids yesterday. Sharleen wants three kids never.

Oh, but wait, there’s more. Juan Pablo takes the awkwardness to a whole new level when he asks the fateful question, “How many kids do you want?”

*Silence*

Sharleen hates kids

Sharleen tries to avoid the question.

Sharleen doesn't want kids

Juan Pablo humors her attempt to divert his attention.

Sharleen continues to beat around the bush.

Sharleen doesn't want kids

Juan Pablo asks again, “So with that said, how many kids do you wanna have?”

Screen Shot 2014-01-28 at 10.21.04 PM

Sharleen confesses, “If I tell him the truth, it could be a deal breaker.”

Sharleen tells the truth

We’re yelling at our TV, “LIE AND DENY, SHARLEEN! LIE AND DENY!”

Sharleen opts to tell the truth anyway.

Sharleen: “I’ve dated someone who had a daughter before. Oh, and she was four … like Camila. It sucked. I did not know how to handle myself. I wouldn’t change her diapers. I refused to fix her wedgies. Basically, it taught me that I don’t want kids and I never want to be responsible for someone else’s spawn.”

Sharleen

Juan Pablo’s response?

“I feel fantastic about Sharleen.”

Um, what? …Is this real life?

The girls get attacked by man-eating sharks.

And that’s how Regina George all the girls died.

No, we’re totally kidding. It was just a bunch of minos who ate all the disgusting crud off the girls’ feet like this:

minos

Or, according to Kelly, it went something like this:

Kelly imitates the minos

Clare doesn’t want to put foreign objects in her mouth.

At this point in the date, the girls are starting to wish Clare had been attacked by a shark because she’s being obnoxious and hanging all over Juan Pablo like a drunk girl at a bar.

Clare being annoying

Then, she puts up a stink about trying a piece of octopus as if she’s going to DIE. We are not amused.

Clare eating octopus

And neither is Kelly…

Kelly: “Clare is the most dramatic person I’ve ever seen. Her piece was literally THIS BIG, and I know you’ve swallowed bigger things than that.”

Kelly makes fun of Clare

OH MY GOD, KELLY, YOU CAN’T JUST ASK PEOPLE WHY THEY’RE WHITE IMPLY THAT CLARE SWALLOWS BIG LOADS. THIS IS A FAMILY SHOW.

Juan Pablo purchases a moral compass in Korea.

Out of nowhere, after ALREADY making out with six different girls, Juan Pablo just decides, “Nope, I’m not kissing any more of the girls. I’m done.”

Juan Pablo and Renee

WHAT?! Like hellooo, you’re on El Bachel-or, Juan Pabs! You’re required to kiss AT LEAST 20 women! If you don’t want to act like a man whore, don’t come on the show!

But we digress. Juan Pablo made his decision and he’s stickin’ to it. So, poor Renee got rejected. And so did piano bike girl, who started hysterically crying. Like, it was out of control.

Piano bike girl has the sadz

We don’t really care why she was sobbing uncontrollably, so we’re just gonna move on because…

THE GREATEST SCENE IN THE HISTORY OF THE BACHELOR HAPPENED.

As Clare is rambling on and being generally annoying, Kelly and Andi decide they have had enough.

But instead of complaining about her, they handle the situation like mature adults and make fun of her. Because DUH.

Kelly: “OK, I’m gonna be Clare and you be Juan Pablo.”

Kelly and Andi

Andi (in a pitiful Spanish accent): “Are you gonna try some octopus? You can do it.”

Kelly and Andi Kelly and Andi

Kelly: “Ah! Eeeek! Ah!”

Kelly and AndiKelly and Andi Kelly and Andi

Andi (who now sounds Italian): “Clare, Clare. Eat the octopus. Try it once.”

Kelly and Andi

Kelly: “Ahhhh…”

Kelly and Andi Kelly and Andi

Kelly: “This is the most I’ve eaten in two weeks!”

Kelly and Andi Kelly and Andi Kelly and Andi Kelly and Andi

Andi (whose accent is getting progressively worse and more hilarious at the same time): “I’m so proud. I’m so proud of you, Clare.”

Dying. We are literally still laughing hysterically 48 hours later. No scene will ever top this. For it is written.

Kelly and Andi

Four for you, Andi and Kelly. You go, Andi and Kelly.

Glen Coco

Juan Pablo breaks his own rule.

Welp, that didn’t last long. Apparently Juan Pablo isn’t sticking to his decision. Clare’s sexy teeth were too enticing. He was drawn in by her admission that she threw up in her mouth. The stale chocolate breath smelled like heaven. It was too much for Juan Pablo. He decided to kiss Clare and return his moral compass to the nice little Korean lady he bought it from.

Juan Pabs and Clare kiss

We hate this show.

The rose ceremony turns into the initiation ceremony from Finding Nemo.

Seriously, WHO CHOOSES THE ROSE CEREMONY MUSIC?!

Let’s be honest … the rose ceremony is like, the least dramatic part of each episode. Yet, somehow, it ends up having the most dramatic music ever. This week, the producers decided to go with a tribal theme:

*Tribal music* AH HOO WA HEE HA HO HO HO

Juan Pablo: “Kat…”

Rose ceremony

*Tribal music continues* AH HOO WA HEE HA HO HO HO

Juan Pabs: “Clare … will you essep this rose?”

Why are the producers using the tribal chant from the aquarium initiation scene in Finding Nemo?

It’s probably some more subliminal Disney cross-promotion…

Anyway, in the end, Elise and piano bike girl’s Seouls are crushed. We don’t really feel bad for them.

Elise is crushed Piano bike girl goes home

Oh wellz.

She asked me how to spell orange.

This is the place where we’ll highlight the stupidest thing said on each episode, like when Karen asked Damien how to spell orange.

This week’s award goes to a collection of individuals because sometimes, it takes a village (or just a few crazy girls) to have a truly inept conversation.

Cassandra: “The date card said, ‘Pop.’ Hmmmm … popcorn.”

Cassandra

Another girl on the group date: “What if it’s like, making gum?”

Someone else: “A bubble blowing contest?”

NO, NO AND NO. STOP TRYING TO GUESS WHAT THE GROUP DATE IS GOING TO BE. YOU ARE WRONG. ALL THE TIME.

Ugh, why does ABC make us listen to this crap…

Want more Bachelor Burn Book? Follow us on Twitter @bachelorburnbk. We live tweet during every episode and offer our insights throughout the week on all things Bachelor-related.

Images on this blog are the property of ABC or their respectful owners.

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One thought on “Week 4: Seoul-sucking drama in South Korea

  1. I was truly puzzled by the fact that Kat was totally in her element on the group date…is not Cassandra the former NBA dancer? Confusing.

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