Week 4: Power Rankings

We have a problem with Juan Pablo.

Juan Pablo likes Cassandra

 

Who me? Yes, you, Juan Pablo.

This guy just does. not. have. a. type. In previous seasons, we knew what each Bachelor was looking for. Sean was looking for someone goofy and fun that shared his sense of humor and had a heart as big as his muscles. By contrast, Ben wanted to date someone pretty. That was it. Just pretty, because Ben was kind of goofy looking. He couldn’t handle the pressures of the Bachelor and that’s why he’s the worst Bachelor of all time.

At this point, Juan Pablo is falling somewhere in the middle. There are times when he shows flashes of promise, tiny instances where it seems as though he’s looking for a ladyfriend with drive and motherly instincts. But just as quickly as those moments appear, they vanish, faster than Lucy’s shoes in the Bachelor limo, and he’s back to searching for someone he can boogie with to bad K-pop music. It’s confusing, really, for us, and, we’re sure, his pool of women.

Basically, we want to grab Juan Pabs by the shoulders, shake him a little bit and yell, “WHAT DO YOU WANT, EL BATCHELOR?” Because we honestly do not know. And thus, this season, these Power Rankings could also be called the We Have No Stinkin’ Clues. We’re basically just taking Juan Pablo’s top tier of very different women and ordering them based on who he swapped the most spit with, and then haphazardly grouping everyone he hasn’t really kissed at the bottom, because, well, their days are numbered.

In short, these Power Rankings are like Sean’s groomsmen. The top five or six are actually legit contenders. The others are fluff, added to fill out space and time and make sure that the wedding party (or entire season) doesn’t look completely look uneven.

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Week 4: Seoul-sucking drama in South Korea

The best part of the season is here!

The drama is heightening! The cattiness is starting! The claws are starting to come out! People’s eyes are getting scratched out! It’s gettin’ scrappy! Someone’s gonna have to hold someone else’s errings!

What could be better?! …Nothing, that’s what—well, except our recap breaking it all down:

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Whatever the Heck We Want: Sharleen goes country

It ain’t easy getting the First Impression rose.

We thought Sharleen’s experience with the First Impression rose would go more smoothly than Tierra’s experience — especially because, well, Tierra was a real piece of work and Sharleen has “mundo” (at least according to Juan Pabs). Sharleen seemed normal and we figured that her normalcy would win over the house and keep her from getting a target painted on her back.

We were (kinda) wrong.

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Week 3: Power Rankings

Ayyy, Juan Pablo. You’re not going to make this easy on us, are you?

Power Rankings are becoming quite the challenge this season with the shiverless (er, chivalrous) Juan Pablo in charge.

You see, most seasons, it’s pretty easy to tell who the Bachelor or Bachelorette is or isn’t into. They’ve either got the “hey there, let’s go to the projection room above the auditorium” look or the “I’m just fake-smiling and being polite until I can get rid of you at the next rose ceremony” look. It’s pretty cut and dry. You don’t have to be a member of the Mathletes to figure out who falls into which category.

BUT NOT WITH JUAN PABLO. He seems to be having this problem where he likes ALL OF THE WOMEN. The limit does not exist when it comes to the number of women he likes. Just when we think he’s about to start wavering on one of the girls, he’s like, “I’m really, really into her. She’s beautiful.” And we’re sitting there like, “What? That date sucked.” But apparently, in Juan Pablo’s mundo, every girl gets the “hey there, let’s go to the projection room above the auditorium” look—and therein lies our problem.

So, here’s to throwing our rankings at the wall and hoping something sticks…

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Week 3: Kickin’ it with Juan Pabs

You can always count on The Bachelor to bring some knowledge to your Mondays.

Yes, you read that right. We just said The Bachelor is educational. Por ejemplo, last week, we learned that life is actually about straddling people. This was news to us. Thankfully, Victoria dropped that gem on us, and now, we need not contemplate the meaning of life. This week, we learned that if you take 21 and subtract three years from it, you get 18. That was drilled into our brains by Cassandra, the former NBA dancer math teacher.

You know what else we learned? A long intro for this week’s episode wasn’t necessary. Chris Harrison didn’t do his standard monologue to open the episode, and if C. Harrizzle (that’s our nickname for him, word) doesn’t need an intro, neither do we. So here we go, it’s recap time!

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Whatever the Heck We Want: The Glen Cocos

They’re back!

Well, for this week, at least.

Listen, we’ve got some awesome (or, we think they’re awesome) things planned for the Whatever the Heck We Wants. I mean, really, it’s gonna be gettin’ cray up in the Bachelor Burn Book on Fridays. We’re excited about them, but at the same time, we just can’t quit the Glen Cocos. When we told you they would be back, we were serious. And so, here they are.

So, yeah, this week the Glen Cocos are back. This episode just had too much potential to leave the Cocos in Regina George’s incredibly spacious closet. In case you’re new here, or it’s just been so long since your eyes have graced the Glen Cocos that you’ve forgotten how they work (for shame!), here’s a review:

Glen Coco

Basically, The Glen Cocos are a rotating awards system. We’ll make up a bunch of random awards and hand them out to people each week. Some will be serious. Most of them will (hopefully) be funny. In your mind’s eye, picture them being handed out by Chris Harrison dressed in a Santa suit.

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Week 2: Power Rankings

You know what makes the Bachelor’s job really easy?

When contestants start eliminating themselves (Victoria, take a bow! Or you could just straddle something because, after all, that is your purpose in life, is it not?)

You know what else makes the Bachelor’s job really easy?

When we rank all of his suitors for him. See? We’re not just a snarky blog that cares too much about Mean Girls and the Bachelor. We’re also here to help!

If you’re newer here than Cady was during the first 20 minutes of Mean Girls, here’s how the Power Rankings work:

Every week, we’ll tell you who we think did the best, who did the worst and who got completely lost in the shuffle on the latest episode of The Bachelor. We’ll rank (and kind of judge) the women based on their interactions with each other and with Juan Pablo. Of course, we’ll factor in how we think Juan Pabs views each of his female suitors, as well. Just think of it as if we’re seating the women at the appropriate tables in the Mean Girls cafeteria.
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