Week 4: Power Rankings

We have a problem with Juan Pablo.

Juan Pablo likes Cassandra

 

Who me? Yes, you, Juan Pablo.

This guy just does. not. have. a. type. In previous seasons, we knew what each Bachelor was looking for. Sean was looking for someone goofy and fun that shared his sense of humor and had a heart as big as his muscles. By contrast, Ben wanted to date someone pretty. That was it. Just pretty, because Ben was kind of goofy looking. He couldn’t handle the pressures of the Bachelor and that’s why he’s the worst Bachelor of all time.

At this point, Juan Pablo is falling somewhere in the middle. There are times when he shows flashes of promise, tiny instances where it seems as though he’s looking for a ladyfriend with drive and motherly instincts. But just as quickly as those moments appear, they vanish, faster than Lucy’s shoes in the Bachelor limo, and he’s back to searching for someone he can boogie with to bad K-pop music. It’s confusing, really, for us, and, we’re sure, his pool of women.

Basically, we want to grab Juan Pabs by the shoulders, shake him a little bit and yell, “WHAT DO YOU WANT, EL BATCHELOR?” Because we honestly do not know. And thus, this season, these Power Rankings could also be called the We Have No Stinkin’ Clues. We’re basically just taking Juan Pablo’s top tier of very different women and ordering them based on who he swapped the most spit with, and then haphazardly grouping everyone he hasn’t really kissed at the bottom, because, well, their days are numbered.

In short, these Power Rankings are like Sean’s groomsmen. The top five or six are actually legit contenders. The others are fluff, added to fill out space and time and make sure that the wedding party (or entire season) doesn’t look completely look uneven.

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Week 2: Power Rankings

You know what makes the Bachelor’s job really easy?

When contestants start eliminating themselves (Victoria, take a bow! Or you could just straddle something because, after all, that is your purpose in life, is it not?)

You know what else makes the Bachelor’s job really easy?

When we rank all of his suitors for him. See? We’re not just a snarky blog that cares too much about Mean Girls and the Bachelor. We’re also here to help!

If you’re newer here than Cady was during the first 20 minutes of Mean Girls, here’s how the Power Rankings work:

Every week, we’ll tell you who we think did the best, who did the worst and who got completely lost in the shuffle on the latest episode of The Bachelor. We’ll rank (and kind of judge) the women based on their interactions with each other and with Juan Pablo. Of course, we’ll factor in how we think Juan Pabs views each of his female suitors, as well. Just think of it as if we’re seating the women at the appropriate tables in the Mean Girls cafeteria.
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Preseason Power Rankings

We’re baaaaaaaack! You know what that means?! It’s the most Juanderful time of year again!

The Bachelor is back! Juanuary is here! Two hours of Juan Pablo every Monday! Lots of wine consumption! So much excitement! And what better way to kick off this glorious season than with our preseason power rankings?! Yes, that’s right. We have combed through all 27 bios, made our initial superficial judgments and ranked the women from least crazy to super crazy. Enjoy!

P.S. If you would like to read (and laugh at) the women’s full bios, click here.

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Week 1: Power Rankings

The journey has begun! After months of anxious waiting, Des’ quest for love has finally begun and, well, let’s just say The Bachelorette producers gave her quite the selection of suitors. This is a rag-tag team of men. Some could very well be Des’ Mr. Right. Most of them, though, are well … not. We understand that it must be overwhelming to sort through 25 guys and figure out who is your best match, so we’re going to help.

Have we met Des? No. Do we have any idea of her “type?” No. Is that going to stop us from ranking all of the men every week? Heck no. If you’re new here, here’s how the Power Rankings work:

Every week, we’ll tell you who we think did the best, who did the worst and who got completely lost in the shuffle on the latest episode of The Bachelorette. We’ll rank (and kind of judge) the men based on their interactions with each other and with Desiree. Of course, we’ll factor in how we think Des views each of her suitors, as well. Just think of it as if we’re seating the men at the appropriate tables in the Mean Girls cafeteria.
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Preseason Power Rankings

In anticipation of the newest (and, inevitably, most dramatic) season of The Bachelorette, we thought we’d create a preseason edition of our Power Rankings for all you fine people. How can we rank Des’s men before the premiere, you ask? Well, by wasting time reading through each of their riveting bios and illegible surveys on ABC’s website, of course. We highly encourage you to check them out (click here to read bios) if you enjoy deciphering handwriting that you would expect to see from a bunch of kindergarteners. Anyway, here’s how our fabulous Power Rankings work:

Every week, we’ll tell you who we think did the best, who did the worst and who got completely lost in the shuffle on the latest episode of The Bachelorette. We’ll rank (and kind of judge) the men based on their interactions with each other and with Desiree. Of course, we’ll factor in how we think Des views each of her suitors, as well. Just think of it as if we’re seating the men at the appropriate tables in the Mean Girls cafeteria.

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Week 3: Power Rankings

Get excited! It’s time for another round of the Bachelor Burn Book Power Rankings!

Week three of Sean’s reign as the Bachelor wasn’t the most exhilarating two hours of television we’ve ever watched, but it was certainly very telling. For one, we learned that Kacie B. is a firm believer in self-sabotage. We also found out that Lindsay isn’t all that bad and … well, Tierra is. Finally, we were able to confirm through our very reliable and top secret sources that Kristy likes to have big hair so she can, in fact, fill it with secrets. So, why are these little nuggets of wisdom important? Because without them, we wouldn’t be able to form the superficial and premature judgments that make up these awesome power rankings!

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