You know what makes the Bachelor’s job really easy?
When contestants start eliminating themselves (Victoria, take a bow! Or you could just straddle something because, after all, that is your purpose in life, is it not?)
You know what else makes the Bachelor’s job really easy?
When we rank all of his suitors for him. See? We’re not just a snarky blog that cares too much about Mean Girls and the Bachelor. We’re also here to help!
If you’re newer here than Cady was during the first 20 minutes of Mean Girls, here’s how the Power Rankings work:
Every week, we’ll tell you who we think did the best, who did the worst and who got completely lost in the shuffle on the latest episode of The Bachelor. We’ll rank (and kind of judge) the women based on their interactions with each other and with Juan Pablo. Of course, we’ll factor in how we think Juan Pabs views each of his female suitors, as well. Just think of it as if we’re seating the women at the appropriate tables in the Mean Girls cafeteria.
Last week: #5
Clare’s here for the long haul. We can already tell. Not only did she get the first date, she also got the first make out with Juan Pablo, which has to count for something, right? She’s also been really open with Juan Pabs (we mean with her HEART, you sickos. That’s not this kind of show until the fantasy suite dates!), which has given them a solid emotional connection early. That bodes well for Clare, so welcome to the top spot, Fake Pregnant Lady!
Last week: #7
After two weeks at No. 7, Kat’s finally on the move! KatKatKatKatKat was finally able to accept her rose without someone jumping in front of her because, well, she was the only one present when Juan Pablo offered her the rose.
There’s a good chance we’ve got Kat ranked a little bit too high, but, for now, she seems to have caught Juan Pablo’s attention. Don’t get too comfortable, Kat. You might not be up here long.
Last week: #17
Last week, we were pretty quick to toot our own horn about calling Amy J. crazy in our Preseason Power Rankings. We were right, and we made sure y’all knew it. Well, we were wrong about Cassandra. Dead wrong. Here’s what we wrote last week:
She can’t possibly be serious about marrying Juan Pablo and becoming the stepmother of his child, can she?
Well, yeah, we think she is serious. And she might know what she’s getting into. Because, well, she has a son. And if she can stand being away from him for more than a week, she might have a solid chance to win this whole dang thing.
So, yeah, we were wrong. Sorry ‘bout that.
Toot toot Please forgive us.
Last week: #1
We know, Andi didn’t get a one-on-one date. We know she didn’t get the group rose. We know she didn’t even get the first rose during the ceremony. But Juan Pablo CLEARLY likes this girl. He’s floored by her beauty and he was more than willing to comfort her during that photo shoot.
There’s one tiny problem with Andi, though. She might get too attached too quickly. It looks like she gets a solo date this week and it looks like she might start to get attached. If that happens, it might be difficult for Andi to watch other girls establish connections with Juan Pablo.
Basically, what we’re saying is this: If some of these chicks start flaunting their relationship with Juan Pablo and forcing Andi to tell him his hair looks sexy pushed back, well, we might have a problem in Bachelor paradise.
Last week: #4
Nikki the Nurse. Juan Pabs remembers her name and always tries to feel her up. It’s a match made in Bachelor Heaven.
Last week: #3
Sharleen’s been pretty boring so far. She seems normal, just coasting through rose ceremonies with her sensible approach to the show, her “mundo” (Juan Pablo’s world, not ours) and her ever-present “sure’s” and “sir’s”. It’s good to be Sharleen, right?
If next week’s promo is any indication, Sharleen’s about to color some girls green with envy. She’s kissin’ Juan Pabs at the soccer field, at the Mansion and with reckless disregard for everyone’s feelings. It’s almost like she’s there to snag a husband, not make friends. The horror!
Whatevs. Sharleen’s desire to steal kisses might anger the other girls, but we suspect it will be enough to keep her around for a little while longer.
Last week: #2
Juan Pabs and Renee certainly have a lot in common (i.e., they both have kids and live in Florida, which is basically like a match made in heaven on this show). Renee is clearly into our dear Bachelor and she REALLY wants him to kiss her. Unfortunately, he’s taking it slow. Maybe he likes her. Maybe he’s saving all his kisses for someone else. Maybe Sharleen will steal all his kisses before he even gets to Renee.
This is not a drill, Renee. You need to get that kiss, STAT.
8. Kelly (and Molly)
Last week: #15
OK, Kelly’s awesome. She managed to convince the producers to let her bring a dog to the mansion, she doesn’t know what a giraffe looks like and has zero tolerance for shenanigans. Juan Pablo also thinks she’s awesome, because she got a group rose. We’re not sure they have a lasting connection, but we’re thrilled Kelly and Molly will be around to make this show even sillier than usual.
Last week: #11
Things we learned about Elise this week: She’s smart. She traded her sign outfit with Lucy in like, two minutes. She outsmarted Andi, the lawyer, who is paid approximately $1 million an hour to outsmart people.
Another thing we learned about Elise this week: Nothing. Juan Pablo likes her and it looks like she doesn’t like Chelsie, based on next week’s preview. That’s pretty much it.
Last week: #10
She might have been one of the last ones to get the rose, but that’s just because Juan Pablo is off his rocker. She drove a piano, for crying out loud! A PIANO. And she didn’t just drive it, she pedaled it. Give Lauren a chance, Juan Pablo. This is the part where we do you a solid and keep you from making a terrible mistake.
Or it’s the part where we’re totally wrong and she ends up being nuts, kind of like Cassandra in reverse. Actually, on second thought, do what you want, Juan Pabs. We don’t know anything about anything.
Last week: #6
This is the point in the rankings where we just don’t know. We’re throwing the remaining contestants at the wall and hoping we’re right. There’s still too many people and too little screen time to go around. We’re not counting Chelsie out, but we’re not counting her in, either. Make sense? No? Oh, well. There’s always next week.
Last week: #8
She plays soccer … she’s on the Bachelor … she’s got a rose.
Yup, that’s why she’s No. 12.
Last week: #13
The only reason Christy isn’t ranked last is because her name isn’t Lucy. We know nothing about her, besides the fact that her name is Christy, she’s a human and she’s here. That’s it. Maybe we end up learning more about her, but chances are she’s gone next week.
Last week: #18
Lucy’s movin’ on up! But, for full disclosure, she’s only moving up because people are getting eliminated. We think she’s one of those people who is actually just here to make friends. She doesn’t seem all that interested in Juan Pablo. Come to think of it, that might be why she’s getting along with everyone else.
Last week: #12
Wait, what? Guess Lucy isn’t last after all. We’re not sure who this girl is, or why she’s still here, or if she’s even talked to Juan Pablo at all, but she got a rose and so she has to be in our Power Rankings. Enjoy it while it lasts, Danielle.
Chantel was “shocked” she was eliminated on Monday. We weren’t, partly because she was paired with Victoria for the photo shoot and that’s probably a memory you don’t want to be associated with, and partly because, well, they don’t have any chemistry. Sorry, Chantel.
17. Amy L.
There are two reasons why Amy L. was likely eliminated this week. First, she tried to fake interview Juan Pablo and fish for compliments. Second, and probably most importantly, she wore this shirt.
Listen, before every rose ceremony, there is a little room where the Bachelor can look at pictures of the women. This is beneficial, we’re sure, because it’s impossible to keep names straight during the early episodes … or at least, it’s beneficial if you’re not wearing that shirt. Here it is one more time for posterity.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. We have no words. We only wish she would have stuck around a little longer to give us more material for the recaps. Womp womp (that womp womp is for us, not for Victoria. We’re pretty sure she doesn’t really care at all.)
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