Aaaaaand they’re off! The first cocktail party is over, Juan Pablo has met all of his women (and forgotten half), the wine is flowing (both at our house and at the Bachelor Mansion), the driveway has been hosed down (only at the Bachelor Mansion, not at our house), the girls are (still) attempting to speak Spanish (which is more like Spanglish), and the first round of dates is set to begin!
With another episode of drama, debauchery and general nonsense upon us, we, here at Bachelor Burn Book headquarters, have a lot of questions. Most of them have to do with Lucy, but those are questions we will likely never get the answers to. So, here are some legitimate (ish) questions we came up with instead:
1. Who will get the (other) first one-on-one date?
Note: Our original question was, “Who will get the first one-on-one date?” But ABC decided to give that secret away in the “Behind the Scenes” special last night (Thanks, ABC), so that pretty much ruined that question. Don’t worry, though. We have found a solution to this problem (mostly because we’re too lazy to write a new question). This question will now apply to the second one-on-one date. Brilliant!
(Also, if you didn’t see who gets the first one-on-one date because you were watching the Golden Globes instead of last night’s special, we’ll let you be surprised.)
Ahh, the (other) first one-on-one date—so highly coveted, yet so elusive. The girl who ultimately gets it is all like:
While the other women look like this:
Everyone thinks they’re going to get it, but most of the women end up feeling dejected and jealous (which we find funny). So, who’s going to be the lucky woman to get the (other) first one-on-one date this week? Well, we’re going to take a leap of faith here and cross Lucy the Free Spirit off the list because duh. We also think it’s safe to assume that Sharleen won’t get it because she’s totally over this game already. Then, we’re also going to cross off Amy L., Victoria, Elise, Chantel, Cassandra and Lauren S. because reasons. So, that leaves us with…
…Renee! (And about 34 other women, but we didn’t pick them so they’re not important right now.)
If we had to guess (and we are), Renee is probs gonna snag a one-on-one because Juan Pablo totally loves her. They’ve got that whole “single parent” thing goin’ on, AND Juan Pablo managed to remember both her and her son’s names the entire first night—which is more than the other 26 women can say.
Remembering someone’s name = one-on-one date. This is fact. For it is written.
2. Is Sharleen going to stop being a stick in the mud?
Frankly, we hope not. We spent some time marinating over the Sharleen situation (because The Bachelor is all we think about), and we’ve concluded she’s totally awesome. Seriously, who else would react to Juan Pablo like that? He was all like, “Sharleen, you are amazing, and I want to give you this rose!” And she was like, “Ew.” How epic is that!
It’s refreshing to have someone completely normal on this show who isn’t immediately swept up in all the madness. Pretty much every woman in America (including us) would’ve been like, “OMG OMG OMG, OF COURSE WE’LL ACCEPT YOUR ROSE, JUAN PABLO! WE’LL HAVE YOUR BABIES TOO!” But no, not Sharleen. She’s just whatevs about it. And we love it.
3. Is Molly the Dog staying forever?
When Kelly the Dog Lover showed up with her dog, Molly, we assumed it was just a first-night gimmick to get Juan Pablo’s attention. You know, like that one time (at band camp) that one girl from Ben Flajnik’s season brought her grandma with her.
Or like when Ben from Des’ season brought his son, Brody. We thought Kelly was just bringing along Molly the Dog for a quick visit…
But then, it occurred to us … maybe Kelly the Dog Lover is so serious about being a dog lover that she brings Molly with her everywhere. Maybe they’re like a package deal—Juan Pablo can’t have one unless he takes them both. Maybe Molly is going to be the house mascot. But then, who will take care of the dog when Kelly is on a date? Does Kelly really trust the other girls around her dog? What if they feed it liquor? Or worse—what if Lucinda tries to steal it? We just have so many questions about this dog.
The Hot Seat
Every week, we’ll pick one or two ladies who we think are in danger of getting sent home the following episode. Whether it’s because they’re causing tension in the mansion, had a night of drunken woopsies or just simply aren’t connecting with Juan Pablo, these ladies could find themselves in the Bachelor Burn Book Hot Seat—a place that would make even Regina George feel threatened.
If Juan Pablo is seriously trying to find a wife on this show, then we aren’t really buying the fact that he’s seriously considering the 21-year-old. Juan Pablo, you know what Vinny and Pauly always say…
Sorry, Danielle. We had to pick a second one. You lost.
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