Well, readers, this is it.
It’s the final edition of the Glen Cocos (and the final regularly scheduled post) of this season. But fear not, because something as silly as a hiatus isn’t going to slow us down. We’ve got some cool stuff planned for the break and we hope you’ll keep reading along as we prepare ourselves for Juan Pablo’s season. Until then, though, we’ve got one more batch of Glen Cocos to hand out. If you’ve just joined us (Jambo! Better late than never!), here’s how they work:
Basically, The Glen Cocos are a rotating awards system. We’ll make up a bunch of random awards and hand them out to people each week. Some will be serious. Most of them will (hopefully) be funny. In your mind’s eye, picture them being handed out by Chris Harrison dressed in a Santa suit.
The Hey, That Sounds Familiar Award
You know that line in Chris’ poem about the drum and the hearts and the beating? Yeah, that’s from a Phillip Phillips song. We’re choosing to believe that he used the line because it’s a special song for them, but who are we kidding? It’s highly possible that Chris was just driving to After the Final Rose, heard the song on the radio and was like, “I should use that, but where? How about another poem!” and then he pulled over and wrote it down, wrote some other lines around it, slapped some roses on the edges and wham! It’s a poem. Kind of. So, yeah, we present this award to Chris/Phillip Phillips/words on a piece of paper.
Anyway, here’s the song. Try to keep the air-drumming to a minimum.
The ERMAHGERD JUAN PABLO Award
We totally understand if you lost your marbles when Chris Harrison announced that Juan Pablo was the next Bachelor. Seriously. We screamed so loud, we’re pretty sure we scared all the animals within a 10-mile radius. Your marbles should be scattered all over the place because we’re pretty sure Juan Pablo is going to be an awesome Bachelor. And at least you weren’t alone, because this lady also lost her gosh darned marbles all over the place:
Congrats, random screaming lady. This Glen Coco is for you.
Also, if you happen to see any random marbles, could you send them back to us? We’re trying to collect them all before Juan Pablo graces our television again in January.
The Sneaky McSneakerson Award
Oh, Chris. You sneaky sneaky fellow, you. You get this award because you snuck up on us all and came in FTW at the last minute. Ain’t nobody saw that coming. We were so sure that Des was set on Brooks. She said she hit the finish line with him! HIT IT! And then, when Brooks dumped Des on the dock, we thought she was done for sure. That was it. El fin. Even though we always thought Chris was best for Des, we didn’t believe she’d actually pick him after everything that had happened. But there he was … reciting a sappy speech and proposing with a giant Neil Lane rock at 9:55 p.m. It even surprised the pants off of Reality Steve! Now that takes some serious skillz, dude.
The Cutest Couple Award
This one obviously, obviously goes to Zak and Juan Pablo. They’ve developed a bromance that rivals Arie and Jef’s. They take road trips together, sing together, laugh together, cry together (actually, probably not), make lifelong memories together … it’s a beautiful thing. Congrats, Zak and Who-an! We wish you two nothing but the best!
Oh, wait. Are we forgetting someone (or two someones)? Is there another couple out there that we neglected to mention? ………….Oh, of course! Chris and Des!
Hehe, we’re just kidding, Chres/Dhris/whatever. Of course this award goes to you guys because, well, you’re a cute couple. Duh. Also, because you were the only couple left to choose from. So there’s that. But really, you two make a great couple, and we are beyond excited to see that y’all are happy together. Best of luck, you two! We hope you have an absolutely wonderful life together that involves a televised wedding and lots and lots of poetry! We’ll be rooting for you (and that televised wedding)!
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