About this time every year, we, as a nation, settle in for another season of watching drunken 20-somethings (and the token 30 year old) stumble their way to pseudo-stardom on the Bachelor. As we watch, we ask ourselves, between chugging wine straight from the bottle and ushering chocolate chips into our mouths two-by-two as though they’re animals heading for Noah’s Ark, “Where on God’s green earth do they find these people?”
Well, worry no longer, because the dear, dear producers at ABC decided to SHOW US how they find these people. The answer? They don’t have to find them at all! The crazies come out of the woodwork and voluntarily offer to have their crazy broadcast on national television to judgmental women who have access to the Internet and can effectively TELL THEM HOW CRAZY THEY ARE! America, everybody.
So, without further ado, here’s our first recap of Juanuary and, we guess, our first recap of Juan Pablo’s love story.
And…the Bachelor is back!
And it opens with practically a full-camera spin during Chris Harrison’s intro. It’s worth noting that Chris Harrison managed to do all of that spinning WHILE reciting lines and WITHOUT throwing up. If this daredevil act doesn’t get him an Emmy nod this year, well, we’re going to have to have a talk with whoever nominates people for Emmys.
I mean, we start with Chris Harrison over here…
Also, was THIS the inspiration for the intro?
(And Will Ferrell is singing “It’s the Most JUANderful Time of the Year,”, natch).
Hey, look, we’re in a crazy person parade!
These women, bless their hearts. Words aren’t really necessary, so we’ll just take a quick jaunt through some screen shots of the more, ahem, colorful Bachelor hopefuls.
This girl’s really worried about her eggs:
This girl’s a…we don’t know what she is:
This grandma doesn’t know anything:
This girl can hula hoop, which is impressive:
This girl can hula hoop without spilling her wine, which is more impressive:
This girl can fit her whole fist in her mouth:
This girl also has arm skillz:
This woman escaped from the 90s. The hair! The lipstick! The eyeshadow!:
This woman can arm-wrestle and WIN:
This woman is just cray:
Listen, we love us some Chris Harrison, so a montage of Chris Harrison’s actions while he’s notifying the final 27 women is not only welcome, it’s necessary.
Chris’ first step on his journey to track down these women at their already-specified locations in their camera-ready hair and makeup begins in a common vehicle with dear Chris behind the wheel. Since our beloved host is more used to being transported via limo and Bachelor-approved helicopter (and, also, yacht, probably), he seems to forget that it’s important to keep your hands on the wheel.
It’s OK, Chris. Driving is hard.
Then, Chris heads to meet Free Spirit Lucy, who is not actually a free spirit and might instead work at a boutique called Free Spirit. She spends more time hitting on Chris Harrison (such a little skeeze!) by mounting him whilst wearing short-shorts and sky-high heels and modeling trashy animal-print dresses for him while he gawks. Clearly, she’s establishing her back-up plan in case the whole Juan Pablo thing falls through.
After Chris has gotten his mind out of the gutter and his body out of Lucy’s clutches, he takes a stroll down an empty street, commenting about how he’s “just walking down a street holding roses.”
We love this, because Chris is clearly as surprised as we are that he’s not getting mobbed by Bachelor viewers. Nobody leaves Chris Harrison holding roses! It’s also worth noting that Chris has decided to abandon his car and set out on foot. We’re not sure why, but we’re guessing it has something to do with the fact that he liked driving without holding on to the wheel.
You don’t get Chris Harrison, but you’re still on the show!
Since Chris can’t be everywhere (he might be the Love Magician, but he’s not, you know, an actual magician), he sends some other producers to do his bidding.
You know what this means.. ELAN ALERT!
And Sunflower Girl is clearly our spirit animal at this point. If you see a field of sunflowers and DON’T react like this, you. can’t. sit. with. us. Period.
In case you forgot, Juan Pablo is the Bachelor. He is a soccer player from Venezuela with a luscious accent and a HOT BOD. Here, we have proof!
He takes her to the park and this happens:
How are they getting shots like this:
However they did it, we’re glad they did, because we got to hear Juan Pablo sing in Spanish. What was he singing? We have no earthly idea, but we’re guessing it’s Spain’s version of One Direction.
Keeping Up with Juan Pablo’s Family
These people need their own TV show. We’ve got the cousins having a powwow by the pool that mirrors The View:
And we’ve got this guy who might not even know who Juan
Carlos Pablo is:
Rest in peace, Gia.
The Bachelor put together a long tribute to Gia, who passed away this summer. Hat’s off to ABC for running it, and especially to Gia’s family and friends, who were so candid with their memories.
BACHELOR PROMO TIME!
Tears. Beers (or wine, most likely). Jeers. Women lose it. Juan Pablo loses it. It’s just…here are some pictures. We’ll be right here, recovering, until tonight at 8 p.m. Hope to see you then.
This is how excited we are:
But first, a note
We’re switching things up a little bit here at the Bachelor Burn Book. Due to some life changes (i.e., we have jobs now), we’ll be posting the Tweet Roundup on Tuesdays and Weekly Recaps on Wednesdays. This is partially due to time constraints and partially due to the fact that we just need more time to marinate over the nuttiness of each episode. The recaps will still be long and the tweet roundups will still be hefty, they’ll just be on different days! And, as always, we’ll be live-tweeting each episode at @bachelorburnbk