Juan-uary recap: Countdown to Juan Pablo

Hola, y’all!

Hola, y'all

About this time every year, we, as a nation, settle in for another season of watching drunken 20-somethings (and the token 30 year old) stumble their way to pseudo-stardom on the Bachelor. As we watch, we ask ourselves, between chugging wine straight from the bottle and ushering chocolate chips into our mouths two-by-two as though they’re animals heading for Noah’s Ark, “Where on God’s green earth do they find these people?”

Well, worry no longer, because the dear, dear producers at ABC decided to SHOW US how they find these people. The answer? They don’t have to find them at all! The crazies come out of the woodwork and voluntarily offer to have their crazy broadcast on national television to judgmental women who have access to the Internet and can effectively TELL THEM HOW CRAZY THEY ARE! America, everybody.

So, without further ado, here’s our first recap of Juanuary and, we guess, our first recap of Juan Pablo’s love story.

And…the Bachelor is back!

And it opens with practically a full-camera spin during Chris Harrison’s intro. It’s worth noting that Chris Harrison managed to do all of that spinning WHILE reciting lines and WITHOUT throwing up. If this daredevil act doesn’t get him an Emmy nod this year, well, we’re going to have to have a talk with whoever nominates people for Emmys.

I mean, we start with Chris Harrison over here…

Chris Harrison 1
…and end with him over here.

Chris Harrison 2

Also, was THIS the inspiration for the intro?


(And Will Ferrell is singing “It’s the Most JUANderful Time of the Year,”, natch).

Hey, look, we’re in a crazy person parade!

These women, bless their hearts. Words aren’t really necessary, so we’ll just take a quick jaunt through some screen shots of the more, ahem, colorful Bachelor hopefuls.

This girl’s really worried about her eggs:

Ovaries

This girl’s a…we don’t know what she is:

Belly dancer

This mom just thinks her daughter needs a boyfriend:
You Need a Boyfriend

This grandma doesn’t know anything:

Go home, Granny, you're drunk

This girl can hula hoop, which is impressive:

Hula hoop

This girl can hula hoop without spilling her wine, which is more impressive:

Hula hoop with wine

This girl can fit her whole fist in her mouth:

Welp

This girl also has arm skillz:

Robot Arm

This woman escaped from the 90s. The hair! The lipstick! The eyeshadow!:

Throwback Sunday

This woman can arm-wrestle and WIN:

Arm wrestlingThis woman just flew for the first time. Chris Harrison decided to pull a Regina George (Shut up. Shut UP!):

Stop it.

This woman is just cray:

Just no.NO
Lest we forget, Chris Harrison is the star of this show.

Listen, we love us some Chris Harrison, so a montage of Chris Harrison’s actions while he’s notifying the final 27 women is not only welcome, it’s necessary.

Chris’ first step on his journey to track down these women at their already-specified locations in their camera-ready hair and makeup begins in a common vehicle with dear Chris behind the wheel. Since our beloved host is more used to being transported via limo and Bachelor-approved helicopter (and, also, yacht, probably), he seems to forget that it’s important to keep your hands on the wheel.
Look, Ma, no hands
It’s OK, Chris. Driving is hard.

Then, Chris heads to meet Free Spirit Lucy, who is not actually a free spirit and might instead work at a boutique called Free Spirit. She spends more time hitting on Chris Harrison (such a little skeeze!) by mounting him whilst wearing short-shorts and sky-high heels and modeling trashy animal-print dresses for him while he gawks. Clearly, she’s establishing her back-up plan in case the whole Juan Pablo thing falls through.

Lucy Cray

Good god.

After Chris has gotten his mind out of the gutter and his body out of Lucy’s clutches, he takes a stroll down an empty street, commenting about how he’s “just walking down a street holding roses.”
They see me rollin'
We love this, because Chris is clearly as surprised as we are that he’s not getting mobbed by Bachelor viewers. Nobody leaves Chris Harrison holding roses! It’s also worth noting that Chris has decided to abandon his car and set out on foot. We’re not sure why, but we’re guessing it has something to do with the fact that he liked driving without holding on to the wheel.

You don’t get Chris Harrison, but you’re still on the show!

Since Chris can’t be everywhere (he might be the Love Magician, but he’s not, you know, an actual magician), he sends some other producers to do his bidding.

You know what this means.. ELAN ALERT!

Elan
It’s like spotting Bigfoot!

We also got a quick look at some of the final contestants. Lucy, clearly, is nutso, because seriously, who does this?!
Lucy again

And Sunflower Girl is clearly our spirit animal at this point. If you see a field of sunflowers and DON’T react like this, you. can’t. sit. with. us. Period.

Sunflowers
Meet Juan Pablo!

In case you forgot, Juan Pablo is the Bachelor. He is a soccer player from Venezuela with a luscious accent and a HOT BOD. Here, we have proof!

JP2

JP

JP3
Oh, he also has a kid. She’s his valentine forever and she’s precious.

Camilla

He takes her to the park and this happens:

JP on a horse
It’s (more) Bachelor Magic!

How are they getting shots like this:

More magic!
When there’s no one in the passenger seat?!

Magic!
We bet they use spy cameras! They’ve got B613 in there from Scandal just riggin’ up spy things because ABC synergy!

However they did it, we’re glad they did, because we got to hear Juan Pablo sing in Spanish. What was he singing? We have no earthly idea, but we’re guessing it’s Spain’s version of One Direction.
Aww
Keeping Up with Juan Pablo’s Family

These people need their own TV show. We’ve got the cousins having a powwow by the pool that mirrors The View:

THe View
We’ve got this guy telling him to brush his teeth before makeout sessions:
Brush yo' teeth

And we’ve got this guy who might not even know who Juan Carlos Pablo is:

Juan Carlos
We need a show, Bachelor producers. It’s just necessary.

Rest in peace, Gia.

The Bachelor put together a long tribute to Gia, who passed away this summer. Hat’s off to ABC for running it, and especially to Gia’s family and friends, who were so candid with their memories.

Gia
If you or someone you know needs to talk, please, please reach out to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) or online at suicidepreventionlifeline.org.

BACHELOR PROMO TIME!

Tears. Beers (or wine, most likely). Jeers. Women lose it. Juan Pablo loses it. It’s just…here are some pictures. We’ll be right here, recovering, until tonight at 8 p.m. Hope to see you then.

Lucy headgear
Uh oh

Seany!

Uh oh again

This is how excited we are:

We just need this picture

But first, a note

We’re switching things up a little bit here at the Bachelor Burn Book. Due to some life changes (i.e., we have jobs now), we’ll be posting the Tweet Roundup on Tuesdays and Weekly Recaps on Wednesdays. This is partially due to time constraints and partially due to the fact that we just need more time to marinate over the nuttiness of each episode. The recaps will still be long and the tweet roundups will still be hefty, they’ll just be on different days! And, as always, we’ll be live-tweeting each episode at @bachelorburnbk

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