Juan-uary recap: Behind the Scenes

It’s like Grace Potter and Kenny Chesney always say, “One (episode of the Bachelor) is one too many, one more (episode of the Bachelor) is never enough”.

Seriously, one two-hour episode is usually too much for our little brains to handle. So adding a bonus Sunday episode is not only sending us into a colossal tizz, it’s also giving us a hankering for something just insane, like a 24-hour Bachelor network or something. We love the Bachelor so much, we were one of the 12 people to choose it over the Golden Globes (don’t worry, we watched the GGs on DVR, so we still have something to talk about at the water cooler). Not only that, but we watched the whole thing AGAIN in order to write this recap.

If that’s not dedication, well, you can’t sit with us.

This show is kind of a big deal.

No, not this special. That’s why it’s up against the Golden Globes. But  the actual Monday night episodes? They are VERY popular…at least according to Chris Harrison, who whips out TWO #humblebrags in his opening monologue.

Chris Harrison, BA

First, we’re reminded that the Bachelor cocktail party is an ALL-NIGHT party. We knew this, but hearing someone finally admit that it’s true was nice. We think Chris Harrison told us this entirely to make us jealous of this party.

Parties are fun, but parties where there is only one boy are not. Sorry, Chris.

Then, Chris Harrison tells us that watching 25 27 people get liquored up and compete for one potential mate apparently, makes for entertaining television that a lot of people watch. Translation: “I’m Chris Harrison, and we can’t help it that we’re so popular.”

He can't help that he's so popular
“It was like he literally popped out of the TV.” — Random Girl with Scarf

Really, Random Girl with Scarf? Did he LITERALLY pop out of the TV? He just climbed right out of the box with the moving pictures? He must have changed pretty quickly out of the tux, crept out the back door without anyone noticing and reentered through the front door just for the element of surprise.
RGWS
We’re literally amazed by Juan Pablo’s magic.

Then this girl admitted that she almost cried.
Crying girl
We don’t have any jokes. The near-tears are the punchline.

Hold on, it gets weirder.

This lady loses it.
Supahstah

This guy admits he would marry Juan Pablo.
I'd marry him
And Chris Harrison just likes creepin’ on people. As host of this VERY popular show, Harrison gets to do whatever he wants, including, but not limited to, messing up people’s freshly Windexed glass doors.
PB Chris

PB Chris 2

PB Chris 3
SHE’S BACK!
Ew
It’s Random Girl with Scarf! According to Random Girl with Scarf, Sharleen was “literally like, ew,” when Juan Pablo offered her a rose. At this point, we realized that Random Girl with Scarf basically summed up in three words what it took us like, 200, to say in last week’s recap. If we just recruited Random Girl with Scarfto do these recaps, it sure would save us a lot of time and early-onset carpal tunnel syndrome, but where’s the fun in that?

Random Girl with Scarf, be our friend.
RGWS 2

OK, gosh, you don’t have to be so mean about it.

Save the Children.

Seriously, remember in Elise’s questionnaire when she said the “children are our future!” (the exclamation point was Elise’s, not ours). Well, she was right. This is our future, America. We are raising a generation of children who believe that real life love mirrors what they’ve seen on the Bachelor.

Avery
Oh, Avery. No, honey. No.

Although, come to think of it, this Bachelor Burn Book writer has been watching the show since it first premiered (practically) and she turned out OK, if OK is defined as “single, writing blog recaps about the Bachelor and considers applying for the show a viable dating option.”

Chris Harrison gets a taste of Bachelor life.

Toast
He’s really good at toasts. He’d make a great Bachelor. We’re just sayin’.

According to Juan Pablo, Clare is “fun”

Chris Harrison is all like, “faking a pregnancy is fun? Whatevs, Juan Pablo.”

Dumbfounded Chris
Moving on.

SNOW!    

Did you hear us? SNOW!
Stay off the iceJust ignore the Stay Off cone, Juan Pablo. It’s fine.

Juan Pablo takes Camila to see his Winter Wonderland date and to throw her off the surprise trail, he mocks her.
Mocking Camila

Then they go see the snow and Camila’s pure joy is so stinkin’ sweet. Adorbs. She runs around like an airplane! She sticks her bare feet in it!
CAmila loves SNOW
Finally, someone gets the poor girl some warm clothes, because only Tierra is allowed to get hypothermia on the Bachelor, duh.
Winter clothes
“It’s like walking into your television.”

Who said this? If you guessed Random Girl with Scarf, you’d be wrong. It was actually Chelsie, who apparently has the same newfangled television that Random Girl with Scarf has.
Chelsie
Chelsie is floored that the bed is upstairs and the kitchen is downstairs. She also mentions cooking in the kitchen, which, let’s be real, if anyone cooks in that kitchen, it will probably be the first time. We can only imagine what’s located in the basement. Maybe pipes?
FridgeOooh, food.

Hope is the thing with feathers.

It’s also, according to Andi, the Bachelor Mansion. Therefore, we’ve rewritten Emily Dickinson’s poem to reflect Andi’s observation. Ahem,

Hope is the thing with feathers  Bachelor Mansion –
That perches in the soul contains an infected hot tub –
And sings the tune without the words  with super loud fights –
And never stops at all (Seriously. The fighting never stops) -.

And sweetest – in the Gale rose ceremony – is heard –
And sore must be the storm  losers who don’t get a rose –
That could abash the little Bird big ole house –
That kept so many warm  drunk –

I’ve heard it in the chillest land  who are we kidding, this place is never quiet –
And on the strangest Sea  dates like roller derby  –
Yet -never – in Extremity,
It asked a crumb – of me anything but my dignity.

Just call us Bachelor Burn Bookinson. Or Chris Siegfried.
shirtless high fiveHIGH FIVE!

Meanwhile, the rejects are taking their prom dresses and going home.
Go home Kylie

They’ve abandoned all makeup.
Sad Amy
They’re just exhausted.
Sad Kylie
They’re just booking their own flights and anticipating their mother’s reactions.
Super Sad Amy
Sorry, ladies. Your 15 minutes are up.

Obligatory Sean and Catherine cameo
Sean and Catherine
In case you’ve forgotten, the Bachelor has worked exactly once (Jason’s season doesn’t count because he picked wrong the first time). The Bachelorette also doesn’t count because, well, it’s the Bachelorette and not the Bachelor.

Anyways, Sean and Catherine are the show’s most recent claim to fame and therefore, they are going to be trotted out on every single Juanuary special until their wedding in two weeks.

Juan Pablo spends this counseling sesh to pick their brains about the women he met. He tells them about his massage and plays our favorite game, which is called “Is This Person Crazy?”

Catherine is like, yeah, that’s cray.
Amy is Cray

Sean is like, nuh-uh, you gave me a massage. And Catherine reminds him that that wasn’t on their first meeting. It’s like they’re already married. Sean also takes this opportunity to tell the world that Catherine massages him “all the time,” and we can already hear Amy’s screams of despair from here.
Sean, please
Apparently, Juan Pablo didn’t think about that and now he’s a little sad that she’s gone.

sadz
Don’t be sad, Juan Pablo.

Sean tells Juan Pablo that he went to Ashley and JP’s wedding and then found his wife on the Bachelor, implying that maybe Juan Pablo will have the same luck. This looks like it terrifies Juan Pablo.
oops again
Does this look like the face of a man who actually thought he’d find a wife on this show? He’s like pretty surprised it actually works sometimes. Uh oh.

Chris Harrison beckons.

Everyone must be present for his announcement. Even Molly, who doesn’t know what the heck is going on.
Molly must be present
He has a date card. Elise is beside herself.
ermahgerd
Do we have to watch this part again tomorrow? Boooooooo.

Clare needs to read more Bachelor Burn Book.
I don't online date
She says she doesn’t do online dating. Clearly, she hasn’t read our article comparing the Bachelor to Tinder.

Meet everyone again.

Because we haven’t done this twice already, the producers decide to show us more intro videos. This time, they’re showing us who the drama queens are in the house.

We begin with Victoria, who has the all components of a Bachelor drama queen. She’s been previously married and cheated on. She thinks she’s really pretty. And she tells the camera that, “Guys my age don’t really relate to me whatsoever. They just knd of go, ‘Wow, you’ve been through so much, but you’re so pretty. We should sleep together.’ And that’s what happens.”
Bitchtoria
That’s when what happens, Victoria? Actually, don’t answer that. We probably don’t want to know.

Next, we meet Lucy (again). Well, actually her name’s Lucinda, but everyone calls her Lucy, kind of like the Cady/Caddy thing, we guess. Lucy likes to be naked and believes that girls don’t like her because they’re intimidated by her and not because she’s a real piece of work. Guess we’ll find out, huh?
ew lucy
Then there’s Elise, Amy and Clare. The Clare montage is the exact same thing we’ve seen twice already. Clearly, an intern needs to be fired for their inability to put together original montages.

More promos.

Cray Victoria
Victoria, apparently, gets drunk as a skunk on an afternoon picnic and threaten Juan Pablo with bodily harm. So, if you’ve got a case of the Mondays, you’ve got that to look forward to.

Want more Bachelor Burn Book? Follow us on Twitter @bachelorburnbk. We live tweet during every episode and offer our insights throughout the week on all things Bachelor-related.

Images on this blog are the property of ABC or their respectful owners.

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