OK, we have to admit … the Men Tell All show is like, our favorite episode of every season. We always look forward to it, and we love watching it. But not for the reasons you might think. Yes, we love seeing the contestants rehash all the drama, and we like seeing the Bachelorette confront the guys who were there to promote their business ventures and become famous and all that nonsense. But none of that is as entertaining as watching the audience’s reactions to what is unfolding before them. There is nothing better! If we didn’t get to see 85 different camera shots of these women making the judge-iest faces ever, what would be the point of this show?! That’s right. There would be no point.
The same goes for our recap. What would be the point of this stupid thing if we didn’t include these women and their reactions? So, of course, we will. And they were on point last night. If you’ve never really paid much attention to these women, prepare yourself. Because you are in for a real treat. So, without further ado, we present to you our Men Tell All recap (featuring the most judgmental women the producers could find):
Wait, what’s this? Are the Glen Cocos actually up on a Friday?
Yes, they are. We promised y’all we’d do better and we keep our promises. You see, we might go rogue sometimes, but we always right the ship. We wish we could say the same for Des, who has clearly lost it, considering she is insisting on telling everyone, their mother and Chris Harrison that she’s gaga for Brooks. STICK TO THE SCHEDULE, DES. You aren’t supposed to reveal what’s in your heart for another three weeks! We’re pretty bummed that Des has gone rogue and so we have this to say to her: NO CANDY GRAMS FOR YOU, DES. Not one, not two, not three and CERTAINLY not four.
Glen Coco would never spoil his own season. Never.
Anyways, Des might have revealed who has won her heart, but there’s no way she can spoil these awards because we make them up as we go along. If you’re new here, here’s how the Glen Cocos work:
Basically, The Glen Cocos are a rotating awards system. We’ll make up a bunch of random awards and hand them out to people each week. Some will be serious. Most of them will (hopefully) be funny. In your mind’s eye, picture them being handed out by Chris Harrison dressed in a Santa suit.
We’re switching things up this week. The old Power Rankings rulebook is being temporarily thrown out because this season has become a little boring and why not.
The point of Power Rankings is to kind of guess and make predictions about what the Bachelor or Bachelorette is thinking on a week-to-week basis. But apparently, Des likes to speak in stream of consciousness and tell everybody exactly what she’s thinking the moment she’s thinking it. Soo, guessing is no longer necessary. Moral of this story? Des is a buzzkill.
But, we’re Bachelor Burn Book, so of course, we found a way to keep the party going. So, here’s what we’re gonna do:
We are going to give you five reasons why each guy from the top four (thanks for the rule of thumb, James) should become the next Bachelor and five reasons why he shouldn’t. Then, we’ll give you our highly-valued opinion on whether or not we think we can tolerate watching [insert name here] on TV for two and a half months. Everyone seems to be talking about who’s going to be the next Bachelor anyway, so we thought now would be the appropriate time to throw our two cents in. ABC/Bachelor executives: feel free to use this as a guide during this extremely important decision-making process.
Note: The guys will still be ranked according to the order that Des laid out for CH — just to keep a Power Rankings-ish feel to it. Also, we’ll briefly explain why they’re ranked where they are, just in case some of you were wasted or not paying attention (both very likely scenarios) these past two weeks.
Hometowns are basically the most important episode of the entire Bachelorette season. It’s the turning point, if you will. Some seasons, though, we run into the dilemma we had on Monday night, and that’s when all the hometowns go well and you know that hearts are about to go breakin’.
So while there might not have been any obnoxious brothers (at least until they returned to the Bachelor Mansion) or trips to the embalming table, there’s still LOTS to talk about with these families.
Welp, Power Rankings should be pretty easy this week. Why, you ask? Umm, because DES GAVE AWAY THE ENDING. SURPRISE! She’s already made up her mind. She’s reached the finish line with Brooks. The rest of the season is just a formality. Let’s all pack up our wine glasses and go home. Forgive us for ranting, but isn’t this show supposed to have an element of mystery to it? TMI, Des! We really didn’t want to know right now (ahem, producers and/or editors), but thanks anyway for telling us who you think you’re going to pick. We’ll surely be watching the rest of this season with bated breath.
Normally, we include our standard explanation of how the Power Rankings work, but it really isn’t necessary this week. There’s only one thing you need to know:
We chose this order because Des laid it out for us pretty clearly. As we’ve established, being mysterious isn’t exactly her forte.
Try to act surprised when you see Brooks is first.
What’s the difference between a regular old reality show and a national phenomenon? Twitter traffic, of course. No Monday night Bachelorette-viewing session is complete without perusing Twitter for instant analysis and opinions of the 25 contestants who are vying for love. But who has time to comb every inch of the web for the wittiest comments? We do. Here they are, in one neat little package.