Week 2: Tweet Roundup

What’s the difference between a regular old reality show and a national phenomenon? Twitter traffic, of course. No Monday night Bachelor-viewing session is complete without perusing Twitter for instant analysis and opinions of the 27 contestants who are vying for love. But who has time to comb every inch of the web for the wittiest comments? We do. Here they are, in one neat little package.

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Men Tell All: Juan Pablo, judge-y looks and more Juan Pablo

OK, we have to admit … the Men Tell All show is like, our favorite episode of every season. We always look forward to it, and we love watching it. But not for the reasons you might think. Yes, we love seeing the contestants rehash all the drama, and we like seeing the Bachelorette confront the guys who were there to promote their business ventures and become famous and all that nonsense. But none of that is as entertaining as watching the audience’s reactions to what is unfolding before them. There is nothing better! If we didn’t get to see 85 different camera shots of these women making the judge-iest faces ever, what would be the point of this show?! That’s right. There would be no point.

The same goes for our recap. What would be the point of this stupid thing if we didn’t include these women and their reactions? So, of course, we will. And they were on point last night. If you’ve never really paid much attention to these women, prepare yourself. Because you are in for a real treat. So, without further ado, we present to you our Men Tell All recap (featuring the most judgmental women the producers could find):

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Men Tell All: Burning Questions

It’s Men Tell All time! Yay! This is always such a good episode because everyone is on their absolute worst behavior. Actually, watching the Men Tell All episode kind of reminds us of being home in Africa (we don’t really live in Africa). The guys settle things like they live in animal world.

Here’s to hoping for complete anarchy tonight. In the meantime, here’s what we’re wondering about heading into the drama-fest.

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Week 7: The Glen Cocos

Soooooooo…

We dropped the ball — again.

We’re late on The Glen Cocos — again. We totes understand if you never forgive us. Seriously, being late on the Glen Cocos? That’s worse than when Cady skipped Janis’ art show and decided to throw a party while her parents were out of town instead! We’ll do better next time, but sometimes sh*t happens. Anyways, here’s the drill:

Glen Coco

Basically, The Glen Cocos are a rotating awards system. We’ll make up a bunch of random awards and hand them out to people each week. Some will be serious. Most of them will (hopefully) be funny. In your mind’s eye, picture them being handed out by Chris Harrison dressed in a Santa suit.

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Week 7: Power Rankings

Welp, Power Rankings should be pretty easy this week. Why, you ask? Umm, because DES GAVE AWAY THE ENDING. SURPRISE! She’s already made up her mind. She’s reached the finish line with Brooks. The rest of the season is just a formality. Let’s all pack up our wine glasses and go home. Forgive us for ranting, but isn’t this show supposed to have an element of mystery to it? TMI, Des! We really didn’t want to know right now (ahem, producers and/or editors), but thanks anyway for telling us who you think you’re going to pick. We’ll surely be watching the rest of this season with bated breath.

Normally, we include our standard explanation of how the Power Rankings work, but it really isn’t necessary this week. There’s only one thing you need to know:

We chose this order because Des laid it out for us pretty clearly. As we’ve established, being mysterious isn’t exactly her forte.

Try to act surprised when you see Brooks is first.

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Week 7: Tweet Roundup

What’s the difference between a regular old reality show and a national phenomenon? Twitter traffic, of course. No Monday night Bachelorette-viewing session is complete without perusing Twitter for instant analysis and opinions of the 25 contestants who are vying for love. But who has time to comb every inch of the web for the wittiest comments? We do. Here they are, in one neat little package.

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Week 7: Poetry and metaphors and SHUT UP

This was it. It happened. This was the episode — you know, that one episode that we’re inevitably subjected to every season — when the contestants turn everything they do into a metaphor for love. Every friggin’ year, it happens without fail. One of the guys could simply be putting on sunscreen and he would be like, “This reminds me a lot of my relationship with Des. I’m going to protect Desiree like I’m protecting my skin from the sun’s harmful rays.” Like, are you freaking kidding me? Does every little thing you do have to be related to love? Apparently, yes, it does. If you were trying to stifle your vomit during last night’s episode, you may not want to read on because this recap will include lots and lots of metaphors. You have been warned.

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