The Finale: All Des does is cry, cry, cry, no matter what

OK, OK, we’ll admit it. We were wrong. That two-part finale was everything we thought it wouldn’t be: dramatic, shocking, happy, sad, heartbreaking … pretty much any emotion you can think of. It was a roller coaster ride. We were convinced that this season would have the most boring and predictable ending ever. We gave Des a lot of flak for admitting so early on that she was in love with Brooks, and we hated on ABC even harder for not cutting out her numerous declarations of undying love. We saw this ending coming from a mile away. She was going to pick Brooks. But then, we got thrown for a loop, and nothing happened the way we thought it would. Maybe we’re just stupid, but we can honestly say that we didn’t know how this season was going to end until Des told Chris she loved him. Now THAT is the definition of a dramatic season. Well done, producers. It was nice to see Chris Harrison finally deliver on his oft-broken promise.

Alright, let’s get to the madness:

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Week 7: Poetry and metaphors and SHUT UP

This was it. It happened. This was the episode — you know, that one episode that we’re inevitably subjected to every season — when the contestants turn everything they do into a metaphor for love. Every friggin’ year, it happens without fail. One of the guys could simply be putting on sunscreen and he would be like, “This reminds me a lot of my relationship with Des. I’m going to protect Desiree like I’m protecting my skin from the sun’s harmful rays.” Like, are you freaking kidding me? Does every little thing you do have to be related to love? Apparently, yes, it does. If you were trying to stifle your vomit during last night’s episode, you may not want to read on because this recap will include lots and lots of metaphors. You have been warned.

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Finale recap: I get all of this?!

Oh, Sean. We hardly knew ye as the Bachelor. These seasons just whiz by so fast. They say time flies when you’re having fun, but it also flies when you’re watching some delectable beefcake take his shirt off on the regs. We’ll miss Sean’s beefy arms and pecs … for about six days. Then we’ll see them on Dancing with the Stars and all will be right in the world again. But forget mirror ball trophies and televised weddings … we’ve got a finale to recap. Without further ado, here is our final recap of the greatest Bachelor season of them all. Continue reading

Burning Questions: The Finale

It’s that time, y’all. Sean’s picking one lucky lady to spend eternity with…or so we hope. There are no guarantees in Bachelor world, but we sure hope that this is real true love. Until then, we have a few questions we hope get answered tonight.

1. Who is the letter from?

This question was basically spoon-fed to us via the 1,534 promos this season. Does Catherine write the letter? Lindsay? Sean’s mom? Maybe it’s an eleventh hour Hail Mary from Des? We’ve been teased with this darn letter for weeks now and chances are, none of the aforementioned people have written it. It’s probably written by Chris Harrison and includes some stellar advice like “Get this right.” Whatever it is, though, it brings Sean to tears. Real men cry, y’all.

2. Does Mrs. Lowe accept the idea of her son finding love on television?

We love a man that loves his mama, and it’s clear that Sean loves and respects Mama Lowe. We can’t blame her for being a wee bit skeptical about Sean meeting someone handpicked by producers, especially given the track record of the show. She’s being protective and we get that. However, we hope that she can eventually give Sean and his betrothed the crucial stamp of approval this episode. Believe in true love, Mrs. Lowe! Don’t doubt Chris Harrison’s matchmaking abilities!

3. Who is the next Bachelorette? 

We know, we know. We’ve barely put this season to bed (because Sean Lowe sure didn’t bed anyone! That was a virgin Bachelor joke. Nobody? Nobody? We’re hearing crickets, so we’ll move on), and we’ve already got our sights set on this summer’s season. If it’s anyone but Des, we’ll probably start flipping some tables (unless it’s Lesley. She’d be the greatest Bachelorette of all time). If it’s Lindsay or Catherine, we are going to lose it. But either way, we’ll be watching next season, and bringing you more burning questions. Thanks for reading this season. It’s been real.

The Hot Seat

Every week, we’ll pick one or two ladies who we think are in danger of getting sent home the following episode. Whether it’s because they’re causing tension in the mansion, had a night of drunken woopsies or just simply aren’t connecting with Sean, these ladies could find themselves in the Bachelor Burn Book Hot Seat … a place that would make even Regina George feel threatened.

Lindsay, come on down. We hate to break it to ya, but Catherine and Sean’s relationship just seems deeper and more solid than yours. Sure, you laugh a lot and you spend more time making out and talking, but Catherine and Sean just connect on a deeper level. Best of luck finding Lindsay. Also, best of luck finding a solid teaching job. It’s hard out here for a substitute teacher.

Want more Bachelor Burn Book? Follow us on Twitter @bachelorburnbk. We live tweet during every episode and offer our insights throughout the week on all things Bachelor-related.

Week 7: Sean Tells All

Tuesday was no ordinary day.

Tuesday was the day Sean would be divulging his best-kept secrets to millions of women who had nothing better to do than to watch Sean divulge his best-kept secrets. Although our beloved Bachelor never made any earth-shattering revelations, he did offer plenty of interesting insights and commentary on his nationally televised journey for love. We somehow doubt Sean really told “all,” but he did tell enough to make this recap at least semi-entertaining. So, here it is: our thoughts on the Sean Tells Some Stuff But Not That Much Stuff special event.

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Week 6: Burning Questions

Ah, the hometown dates are finally upon us. These are make-or-break dates for the remaining four women. If the parents are too overprotective, it can mean disaster (Kacie B. can attest to this). And if Sean doesn’t fit in with one of the girls’ families, well, they might as well pack their bags. Here’s what we’re hoping is answered this week:

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Week 6: Power Rankings

Devastated.

That’s how this week’s episode of The Bachelor made us feel. Horribly devastated. Sean missed out on a once-in-a-lifetime relationship with a great girl. She has a genuine heart, a kind soul and eyebrows that would make Andy Rooney from 60 Minutes jealous. We just can’t understand why Sean would send Tierra home. We simply have no words. The only thing we do know is that Sean will regret this later.

Haha, yeah right. Let’s get real and get busy ranking the women who actually deserve to still be on the show.

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