After the Final Rose: Juan Pablo and other stuff

Well, people, it’s all over.

The Neil Lane rock has been selected. The final rose has been accepted. The question has been popped. Guess it’s time for us to pack it in and go home, right?

WRONG.

Two hours of finale romance just isn’t enough. ABC now has to prove that this wasn’t all just some reality TV sham and thus, they’ve given us the After the Final Rose special, conveniently aired right after the actual finale. We always enjoy this bonus hour of Chris Harrison and co., so naturally it deserves its own recap.
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The Finale: All Des does is cry, cry, cry, no matter what

OK, OK, we’ll admit it. We were wrong. That two-part finale was everything we thought it wouldn’t be: dramatic, shocking, happy, sad, heartbreaking … pretty much any emotion you can think of. It was a roller coaster ride. We were convinced that this season would have the most boring and predictable ending ever. We gave Des a lot of flak for admitting so early on that she was in love with Brooks, and we hated on ABC even harder for not cutting out her numerous declarations of undying love. We saw this ending coming from a mile away. She was going to pick Brooks. But then, we got thrown for a loop, and nothing happened the way we thought it would. Maybe we’re just stupid, but we can honestly say that we didn’t know how this season was going to end until Des told Chris she loved him. Now THAT is the definition of a dramatic season. Well done, producers. It was nice to see Chris Harrison finally deliver on his oft-broken promise.

Alright, let’s get to the madness:

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The Finale: Burning Questions

This finale is going to be epiiiiiiiic. You know why? BECAUSE THERE MIGHT NOT BE A FINALE! Whaaaaa?!

Everything is broken. Des’ heart is broken. Brooks’ heart is broken. Neil Lane’s heart is broken because he might not get to give away a ring fo’ free. Brooks’ hair … well, that was always broken. Even Chris Harrison’s heart is broken. Basically, everything is broken. So, obvs, we’re super excited for tonight’s episode. What the deuce is going to happen?! How long will it take Des to stop crying and make a decision? Will Chris Harrison make everything better? We know every Monday we always say that we have a lot of questions about the upcoming episode, but this week, we are freakin’ serious. We ACTUALLY do have a lot of questions this time. Here are the three that have really been bugging us for the past 168 hours:

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Week 9: Power Rankings

Welcome, Bachelorette enthusiasts, to the final installment of Power Rankings for this season! If you found yourself clicking on the link to this post and thinking, “What in the hell? How they ‘posed to rank these guys? Des ain’t even like none of ’em.”, you’re in good company. We thought the same thing and we’re the ones writing this post.

So, as you might’ve guessed, the whole “I love Brooks and don’t even want to think about/look at/talk to/go on dates with the other guys” thing that Des said on Monday presents a bit of a problem for us. Des has two guys left, and she likes approximately zero of them. Fantastic.

Hopefully, we haven’t managed to talk you out of reading this. If we did … well, shit. For those of you who are still sticking around, we promise we’ll have something interesting to say, despite, well, you know … lookin’ at you, DES.

Alright, off we go.

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Week 9: Hartbreak hotel

Has hell frozen over? Is the end of the earth upon us? Because we’re pretty sure Chris Harrison promised us the “most dramatic season finale ever” and we’re fairly certain that this time he’s actually going to deliver. We just…we can’t even. Monday was just too much. We have a Bachelorette finale hangover and we’re only halfway through the finale.

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Week 9: Burning Questions

This is it. The time is here. The most shocking, dramatic episode EVER is coming TONIGHT. At first, we didn’t believe our boy Chris Harrison was telling the truth because, well, he always says that. He insisted that the finale of Sean’s season was going to be the most dramatic ever, but then we watched it … and dramatic it was not. Catherine wrote Sean a love note, he proposed, they took a ride on an elephant and the rest is history. Like, helloooo?! Chris, that is so not dramatic! But this episode … we’ve got a feeling about this one. We were, once again, going to write off Chris Harrison’s infamous claim, but then … we saw that preview. And we were all like, “Umm, I don’t think he’s joking this time, dude.” So, now, we’re super pumped. We’ve been building this episode up in our minds ALL WEEK. What’s going to happen?! Why does everyone feel the need to cry ALL THE TIME? Is it really going to be dramatic, or are we in for another letdown? These are the things we wonder. Oh, and these three things too:

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Week 8: The Glen Cocos

Wait, what’s this? Are the Glen Cocos actually up on a Friday?

Yes, they are. We promised y’all we’d do better and we keep our promises. You see, we might go rogue sometimes, but we always right the ship. We wish we could say the same for Des, who has clearly lost it, considering she is insisting on telling everyone, their mother and Chris Harrison that she’s gaga for Brooks. STICK TO THE SCHEDULE, DES. You aren’t supposed to reveal what’s in your heart for another three weeks! We’re pretty bummed that Des has gone rogue and so we have this to say to her: NO CANDY GRAMS FOR YOU, DES. Not one, not two, not three and CERTAINLY not four.

Glen CocoGlen Coco would never spoil his own season. Never.

Anyways, Des might have revealed who has won her heart, but there’s no way she can spoil these awards because we make them up as we go along. If you’re new here, here’s how the Glen Cocos work:

Basically, The Glen Cocos are a rotating awards system. We’ll make up a bunch of random awards and hand them out to people each week. Some will be serious. Most of them will (hopefully) be funny. In your mind’s eye, picture them being handed out by Chris Harrison dressed in a Santa suit.

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