Week 5: The Glen Cocos

Remember in Mean Girls when Regina George distributes the Burn Book at school and all the girls start fighting each other and Principal Duvall is all, “I did NOT leave the South Side for this!”?

Well, Des soooooo did not leave her teepee for this crap, either.

She dealt with a lot of shenanigans this week, so naturally we’re hankering to give these tools some awards and call them out for their poor behavior. Some weeks, the Glen Cocos just write themselves. This is one of those weeks.

Here’s how the Glen Cocos work:

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Basically, The Glen Cocos are a rotating awards system. We’ll make up a bunch of random awards and hand them out to people each week. Some will be serious. Most of them will (hopefully) be funny. In your mind’s eye, picture them being handed out by Chris Harrison dressed in a Santa suit.

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Week 5: Power Rankings

Three got their heads chopped off this week, and now only eight remain. A few of them are nice, some are cute, most are frat boy meatheads and pretty much all of them are crazy.

Aaand, these are the times when we’re glad we’re just doing the ranking and not the rose-doling.

Speaking of ranking, here’s the obligatory explanation of how the Power Rankings work:

Every week, we’ll tell you who we think did the best, who did the worst and who got completely lost in the shuffle on the latest episode of The Bachelorette. We’ll rank (and kind of judge) the men based on their interactions with each other and with Desiree. Of course, we’ll factor in how we think Des views each of her suitors, as well. Just think of it as if we’re seating the men at the appropriate tables in the Mean Girls cafeteria.

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Week 5: Armageddon!

Ahh, finally. All is right in Bachelorette World. This week’s episode was filled with drama, name-calling, insult-hurling, murder-threatening, early exits, a cringeworthy two-on-one date and, yes, yodeling.

While last week’s episode was very heartwarming and eye-opening, we felt completely out of our element. You just can’t make insensitive jokes during a tour of the Hurricane Sandy devastation and a subsequent date between a couple who lost their home because of the storm. It just ain’t the right thing to do. But this week, it is the right thing to do. We have a week of lost time to make up for, so we aren’t holding back. May the wit and sarcasm drip from our lips this week like it never has before.

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Week 4: The Glen Cocos

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There’s one key difference between Sean Lowe and Desiree Hartsock.

Sean tried to kill his potential suitors with dangerous dates. Desiree just tries to embarrass hers.

I mean, a Mr. America pageant? That’s awkward. Watching the contestants struggle to find talents, squeeze into speedos and parade around was hilarious for us, but it probs made the men a little bit red in the face. In the end, Kasey won the Mr. America crown (congrats, we guess?), but fear not, men of the group date! We’re here to numb the pain you’re feeling about being losers. We’ve also got some awards to hand out, and we won’t even make you fake cry while you accept them. If you want to take your shirt off though, we’re perfectly OK with that.

Here’s how the Glen Cocos work:

Basically, The Glen Cocos are a rotating awards system. We’ll make up a bunch of random awards and hand them out to people each week. Some will be serious. Most of them will (hopefully) be funny. In your mind’s eye, picture them being handed out by Chris Harrison dressed in a Santa suit.

Continue reading

Week 4: Power Rankings

It’s getting down to the wire, folks! Well, not really. There’s actually like 11 guys left still. But it is getting down to a group of guys we actually recognize. The days of us frantically flipping through our notes to see if we wrote anything down on Anonymous Bachelorette Contestant #18 have passed, so now, we actually know who we’re making fun of. Oh yeah, that reminds us…

If you were one of Des’ early rejects who got less than six total minutes of airtime, we’re sorry if we said something about you that was rude, inconsiderate, insensitive, judgmental or the like. Blame the producers, not us. If they had given you more camera time, we could’ve made snarky comments that were a little more accurate. (Also, we’re only a little sorry, not super sorry.)

Anyway, Power Rankings, again. This is how it goes:

Every week, we’ll tell you who we think did the best, who did the worst and who got completely lost in the shuffle on the latest episode of The Bachelorette. We’ll rank (and kind of judge) the men based on their interactions with each other and with Desiree. Of course, we’ll factor in how we think Des views each of her suitors, as well. Just think of it as if we’re seating the men at the appropriate tables in the Mean Girls cafeteria.

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Week 4: Storms and speedos

Say goodbye to the Bachelor Mansion, everybody. We’ve officially begun the jet-setting portion of the Bachelorette season. This means that all of the drama and hot tub excursions will be taking place in a different (and probably cleaner) setting. It’s all hotels and coach flights from here on out, people. How far will these contestants go for love? This week, they’d go as far as New Jersey. And boy, were they thrilled.
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Week 4: Burning Questions

We are so unproductive on Mondays. Like, seriously, society would hate us if it knew how unproductive we were every Monday. We’re useless on Mondays mostly because, well, it’s Monday. But, more importantly, we don’t get anything done because it’s Bachelorette Monday! (Thanks, ABC. You’re going to make us lose the jobs we hope to have one day (soon) because of your show.) From the time we wake up until 8 p.m., all we do is waste time talking, tweeting, texting and whatever else about The Bachelorette. We also come up with stuff for this post too, so hey, that’s something, right?

We’ll do better tomorrow, society. In the meantime though, why not decrease your productivity and ponder these burning questions?

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