Week 8: Power Rankings

We’re switching things up this week. The old Power Rankings rulebook is being temporarily thrown out because this season has become a little boring and why not.

The point of Power Rankings is to kind of guess and make predictions about what the Bachelor or Bachelorette is thinking on a week-to-week basis. But apparently, Des likes to speak in stream of consciousness and tell everybody exactly what she’s thinking the moment she’s thinking it. Soo, guessing is no longer necessary. Moral of this story? Des is a buzzkill.

But, we’re Bachelor Burn Book, so of course, we found a way to keep the party going. So, here’s what we’re gonna do:

We are going to give you five reasons why each guy from the top four (thanks for the rule of thumb, James) should become the next Bachelor and five reasons why he shouldn’t. Then, we’ll give you our highly-valued opinion on whether or not we think we can tolerate watching [insert name here] on TV for two and a half months. Everyone seems to be talking about who’s going to be the next Bachelor anyway, so we thought now would be the appropriate time to throw our two cents in. ABC/Bachelor executives: feel free to use this as a guide during this extremely important decision-making process.

Note: The guys will still be ranked according to the order that Des laid out for CH — just to keep a Power Rankings-ish feel to it. Also, we’ll briefly explain why they’re ranked where they are, just in case some of you were wasted or not paying attention (both very likely scenarios) these past two weeks.

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Week 7: The Glen Cocos


We dropped the ball — again.

We’re late on The Glen Cocos — again. We totes understand if you never forgive us. Seriously, being late on the Glen Cocos? That’s worse than when Cady skipped Janis’ art show and decided to throw a party while her parents were out of town instead! We’ll do better next time, but sometimes sh*t happens. Anyways, here’s the drill:

Glen Coco

Basically, The Glen Cocos are a rotating awards system. We’ll make up a bunch of random awards and hand them out to people each week. Some will be serious. Most of them will (hopefully) be funny. In your mind’s eye, picture them being handed out by Chris Harrison dressed in a Santa suit.

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Week 7: Power Rankings

Welp, Power Rankings should be pretty easy this week. Why, you ask? Umm, because DES GAVE AWAY THE ENDING. SURPRISE! She’s already made up her mind. She’s reached the finish line with Brooks. The rest of the season is just a formality. Let’s all pack up our wine glasses and go home. Forgive us for ranting, but isn’t this show supposed to have an element of mystery to it? TMI, Des! We really didn’t want to know right now (ahem, producers and/or editors), but thanks anyway for telling us who you think you’re going to pick. We’ll surely be watching the rest of this season with bated breath.

Normally, we include our standard explanation of how the Power Rankings work, but it really isn’t necessary this week. There’s only one thing you need to know:

We chose this order because Des laid it out for us pretty clearly. As we’ve established, being mysterious isn’t exactly her forte.

Try to act surprised when you see Brooks is first.

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Week 4: The Glen Cocos


There’s one key difference between Sean Lowe and Desiree Hartsock.

Sean tried to kill his potential suitors with dangerous dates. Desiree just tries to embarrass hers.

I mean, a Mr. America pageant? That’s awkward. Watching the contestants struggle to find talents, squeeze into speedos and parade around was hilarious for us, but it probs made the men a little bit red in the face. In the end, Kasey won the Mr. America crown (congrats, we guess?), but fear not, men of the group date! We’re here to numb the pain you’re feeling about being losers. We’ve also got some awards to hand out, and we won’t even make you fake cry while you accept them. If you want to take your shirt off though, we’re perfectly OK with that.

Here’s how the Glen Cocos work:

Basically, The Glen Cocos are a rotating awards system. We’ll make up a bunch of random awards and hand them out to people each week. Some will be serious. Most of them will (hopefully) be funny. In your mind’s eye, picture them being handed out by Chris Harrison dressed in a Santa suit.

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Week 4: Power Rankings

It’s getting down to the wire, folks! Well, not really. There’s actually like 11 guys left still. But it is getting down to a group of guys we actually recognize. The days of us frantically flipping through our notes to see if we wrote anything down on Anonymous Bachelorette Contestant #18 have passed, so now, we actually know who we’re making fun of. Oh yeah, that reminds us…

If you were one of Des’ early rejects who got less than six total minutes of airtime, we’re sorry if we said something about you that was rude, inconsiderate, insensitive, judgmental or the like. Blame the producers, not us. If they had given you more camera time, we could’ve made snarky comments that were a little more accurate. (Also, we’re only a little sorry, not super sorry.)

Anyway, Power Rankings, again. This is how it goes:

Every week, we’ll tell you who we think did the best, who did the worst and who got completely lost in the shuffle on the latest episode of The Bachelorette. We’ll rank (and kind of judge) the men based on their interactions with each other and with Desiree. Of course, we’ll factor in how we think Des views each of her suitors, as well. Just think of it as if we’re seating the men at the appropriate tables in the Mean Girls cafeteria.

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Week 4: Burning Questions

We are so unproductive on Mondays. Like, seriously, society would hate us if it knew how unproductive we were every Monday. We’re useless on Mondays mostly because, well, it’s Monday. But, more importantly, we don’t get anything done because it’s Bachelorette Monday! (Thanks, ABC. You’re going to make us lose the jobs we hope to have one day (soon) because of your show.) From the time we wake up until 8 p.m., all we do is waste time talking, tweeting, texting and whatever else about The Bachelorette. We also come up with stuff for this post too, so hey, that’s something, right?

We’ll do better tomorrow, society. In the meantime though, why not decrease your productivity and ponder these burning questions?

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