The Finale: All Des does is cry, cry, cry, no matter what

OK, OK, we’ll admit it. We were wrong. That two-part finale was everything we thought it wouldn’t be: dramatic, shocking, happy, sad, heartbreaking … pretty much any emotion you can think of. It was a roller coaster ride. We were convinced that this season would have the most boring and predictable ending ever. We gave Des a lot of flak for admitting so early on that she was in love with Brooks, and we hated on ABC even harder for not cutting out her numerous declarations of undying love. We saw this ending coming from a mile away. She was going to pick Brooks. But then, we got thrown for a loop, and nothing happened the way we thought it would. Maybe we’re just stupid, but we can honestly say that we didn’t know how this season was going to end until Des told Chris she loved him. Now THAT is the definition of a dramatic season. Well done, producers. It was nice to see Chris Harrison finally deliver on his oft-broken promise.

Alright, let’s get to the madness:

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Men Tell All: Juan Pablo, judge-y looks and more Juan Pablo

OK, we have to admit … the Men Tell All show is like, our favorite episode of every season. We always look forward to it, and we love watching it. But not for the reasons you might think. Yes, we love seeing the contestants rehash all the drama, and we like seeing the Bachelorette confront the guys who were there to promote their business ventures and become famous and all that nonsense. But none of that is as entertaining as watching the audience’s reactions to what is unfolding before them. There is nothing better! If we didn’t get to see 85 different camera shots of these women making the judge-iest faces ever, what would be the point of this show?! That’s right. There would be no point.

The same goes for our recap. What would be the point of this stupid thing if we didn’t include these women and their reactions? So, of course, we will. And they were on point last night. If you’ve never really paid much attention to these women, prepare yourself. Because you are in for a real treat. So, without further ado, we present to you our Men Tell All recap (featuring the most judgmental women the producers could find):

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Week 6: Burning Questions

There are many crimes that one can be accused of in Bachelorette World. Some are serious, and others are very serious. When a Bachelorette contestant is accused of one of these crimes, he must go before Chris Harrison, the judge, the jury and the executioner in Bachelorette World (Des may think she has all the power, but let’s be real. We all know Chris Harrison is the one in charge here.). If a contestant finds himself in Bachelorette court, he may be charged with one or more of the following crimes:

  • Not being there to make friends
  • Going on the show to gain fame (both on Twitter and in real life)
  • Promoting one’s business ventures
  • Being an arrogant jerk
  • Being a drama-starter
  • Repeatedly claiming to be a “grown ass man”
  • Having a secret girlfriend back home
  • … And stuff like that

But there is one crime in particular that is more heinous than all the rest: faking your way through the show in order to become the next Bachelor. 😮

That is, indeed, the worst crime of them all, and it appears that James is charged with said crime this evening. So, is James a liar? Is he deceiving Des and all of Bachelor Nation? Will he have to face the wrath of Judge Chris Harrison? We ponder this and other super important stuff in the latest Burning Questions.

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Week 5: Power Rankings

Three got their heads chopped off this week, and now only eight remain. A few of them are nice, some are cute, most are frat boy meatheads and pretty much all of them are crazy.

Aaand, these are the times when we’re glad we’re just doing the ranking and not the rose-doling.

Speaking of ranking, here’s the obligatory explanation of how the Power Rankings work:

Every week, we’ll tell you who we think did the best, who did the worst and who got completely lost in the shuffle on the latest episode of The Bachelorette. We’ll rank (and kind of judge) the men based on their interactions with each other and with Desiree. Of course, we’ll factor in how we think Des views each of her suitors, as well. Just think of it as if we’re seating the men at the appropriate tables in the Mean Girls cafeteria.

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Week 2: Burning Questions

It’s #BacheloretteMonday (that was for you, Hashtag Guy)! And today, on this fine day, we woke up (early) with a range of emotions. The first was excitement because, well, it’s Bachelorette Monday. Duh. The second was anger because the air conditioning in one of our cars is currently not functioning, but that’s another story for another day. The third was curiosity (wait, is that even an emotion?). As usual, we’re always wondering what shenanigans we’ll see on the next episode of The Bachelorette, which is why we have so many questions. So, here’s our next set of queries for you — and, of course, our picks for the Hot Seat.

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