Week 3: Power Rankings

Ayyy, Juan Pablo. You’re not going to make this easy on us, are you?

Power Rankings are becoming quite the challenge this season with the shiverless (er, chivalrous) Juan Pablo in charge.

You see, most seasons, it’s pretty easy to tell who the Bachelor or Bachelorette is or isn’t into. They’ve either got the “hey there, let’s go to the projection room above the auditorium” look or the “I’m just fake-smiling and being polite until I can get rid of you at the next rose ceremony” look. It’s pretty cut and dry. You don’t have to be a member of the Mathletes to figure out who falls into which category.

BUT NOT WITH JUAN PABLO. He seems to be having this problem where he likes ALL OF THE WOMEN. The limit does not exist when it comes to the number of women he likes. Just when we think he’s about to start wavering on one of the girls, he’s like, “I’m really, really into her. She’s beautiful.” And we’re sitting there like, “What? That date sucked.” But apparently, in Juan Pablo’s mundo, every girl gets the “hey there, let’s go to the projection room above the auditorium” look—and therein lies our problem.

So, here’s to throwing our rankings at the wall and hoping something sticks…

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Week 3: Kickin’ it with Juan Pabs

You can always count on The Bachelor to bring some knowledge to your Mondays.

Yes, you read that right. We just said The Bachelor is educational. Por ejemplo, last week, we learned that life is actually about straddling people. This was news to us. Thankfully, Victoria dropped that gem on us, and now, we need not contemplate the meaning of life. This week, we learned that if you take 21 and subtract three years from it, you get 18. That was drilled into our brains by Cassandra, the former NBA dancer math teacher.

You know what else we learned? A long intro for this week’s episode wasn’t necessary. Chris Harrison didn’t do his standard monologue to open the episode, and if C. Harrizzle (that’s our nickname for him, word) doesn’t need an intro, neither do we. So here we go, it’s recap time!

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Week 3: Tweet Roundup

What’s the difference between a regular old reality show and a national phenomenon? Twitter traffic, of course. No Monday night Bachelor-viewing session is complete without perusing Twitter for instant analysis and opinions of the 27 contestants who are vying for love. But who has time to comb every inch of the web for the wittiest comments? We do. Here they are, in one neat little package.

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Want more Bachelor Burn Book? Follow us on Twitter @bachelorburnbk. We live tweet during every episode and offer our insights throughout the week on all things Bachelor-related.

Images on this blog are the property of ABC or their respectful owners.

Week 3: Burning Questions

There are some weeks when we really don’t want to write Burning Questions. Why? Because we can’t think of any questions to write.

…This is one of those weeks. We have racked our brains trying to think of something … anything to say in this post. But, alas, no thoughts (or questions) have emerged. Our creative juices have stopped flowing (probably because one of us has a never-ending cold), so we’ve given up. No Burning Questions this week. Sorry.

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Juan-uary recap: Bachelor Love Stories

What is love?

It’s not just a bad disco song. It’s also found on national television shows with millions of people watching. In case you forgot, there’s this little show called The Bachelor that has helped drunk 20-somethings find love and get free weddings for more than 10 years, and last night, we celebrated this cultural phenomenon with a little special called Love Stories.

In other words, ABC decided to toot its own horn for an hour and we ate it up. Let’s take yet another trip down Bachelor special memory lane, shall we?

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Whatever the Heck We Want: The Glen Cocos

They’re back!

Well, for this week, at least.

Listen, we’ve got some awesome (or, we think they’re awesome) things planned for the Whatever the Heck We Wants. I mean, really, it’s gonna be gettin’ cray up in the Bachelor Burn Book on Fridays. We’re excited about them, but at the same time, we just can’t quit the Glen Cocos. When we told you they would be back, we were serious. And so, here they are.

So, yeah, this week the Glen Cocos are back. This episode just had too much potential to leave the Cocos in Regina George’s incredibly spacious closet. In case you’re new here, or it’s just been so long since your eyes have graced the Glen Cocos that you’ve forgotten how they work (for shame!), here’s a review:

Glen Coco

Basically, The Glen Cocos are a rotating awards system. We’ll make up a bunch of random awards and hand them out to people each week. Some will be serious. Most of them will (hopefully) be funny. In your mind’s eye, picture them being handed out by Chris Harrison dressed in a Santa suit.

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Week 2: Power Rankings

You know what makes the Bachelor’s job really easy?

When contestants start eliminating themselves (Victoria, take a bow! Or you could just straddle something because, after all, that is your purpose in life, is it not?)

You know what else makes the Bachelor’s job really easy?

When we rank all of his suitors for him. See? We’re not just a snarky blog that cares too much about Mean Girls and the Bachelor. We’re also here to help!

If you’re newer here than Cady was during the first 20 minutes of Mean Girls, here’s how the Power Rankings work:

Every week, we’ll tell you who we think did the best, who did the worst and who got completely lost in the shuffle on the latest episode of The Bachelor. We’ll rank (and kind of judge) the women based on their interactions with each other and with Juan Pablo. Of course, we’ll factor in how we think Juan Pabs views each of his female suitors, as well. Just think of it as if we’re seating the women at the appropriate tables in the Mean Girls cafeteria.
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