Juan-uary recap: Bachelor Love Stories

What is love?

It’s not just a bad disco song. It’s also found on national television shows with millions of people watching. In case you forgot, there’s this little show called The Bachelor that has helped drunk 20-somethings find love and get free weddings for more than 10 years, and last night, we celebrated this cultural phenomenon with a little special called Love Stories.

In other words, ABC decided to toot its own horn for an hour and we ate it up. Let’s take yet another trip down Bachelor special memory lane, shall we?

Chris Harrison’s tie is the color of LURVE.

Picture 1
Is this tie pink? Is it purple? Are we color-blind? We don’t know, but we do know that seeing Chris Harrison dressed like a suit-wearing version of Cupid is the best thing that’s happened to us all day.

We’re really glad he decided to wear this crazy-colored tie because it reminds us that this is a VERY special Bachelor special … it’s the one where they remind us that 60 percent of the time it works every time.

Onward and upward, y’all.

Chris and Des are still together.

They aren’t married (yet! Coming soon on ABC!), but they are living together and they are getting a dog, so it’s safe to say that it’s gettin’ surrious.
Picture 2
As serious as, according to Des, a pair of high school sweethearts. We know that some of those high school relationships work, but this doesn’t seem the best comparison, so we’re changing it. How about, “We feel like two people who met on a TV show and are now living together. It is different but we actually really love each other so STEP OFF.”

They live in a small structure (House? Apartment? We don’t know). Des designs dresses. And Chris has become a dress model, because we already know he can rock some heels.
Picture 3

chris in heels
Then they do this adorable  kind of morbid thing where they try to guess how long they’ll be together (i.e., how much time they have left on the planet until they croak because they are obviously going to be together forever). Des guesses they’ve got another 50 years in ‘em. Chris goes with the safe bet, which is forever. He also decides that they both are going to live until 104, which is not forever, but whatevs.

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Another Bachelor couple lives in Seattle!

How convenient! Since Molly and Jason also live in Seattle, ABC has managed to save like, a million dollars in travel, which we can only hope they put to good use during Juan Pablo’s season. We vote that the leftover travel budget money be put toward sending Juan Pablo and the date of his choice to Mars, or another planet of their choice. To hang out with some martians. Let’s just keep the ABC synergy up and send them to hang out with the Neighbors on their home planet.

Yup. We went there. Back to Jason and Molly.

This segment conveniently skips over the fact that Jason picked someone else at first and THEN chose Molly. We’re OK with this. We’re just reminding everybody that it happened.

Then, we see the wedding. Poor Jason and Molly. Talk about raining on your parade. You would think that with all those cameramen they could have put up a tent or something, but Molly seems OK with how the photos turned out.

Picture 6
Also, all the guests get umbrellas and you can’t send an intern to hold an umbrella over the bride and groom? Someone better have flipped some tables over this.
Picture 5
They have a baby now (awww!) and Jason says they love each other more than ever. Picture 7
Molly’s all like, “You better love me more than ever. I got married to you IN THE RAIN! You tried to shield my hair with YOUR HANDS. We are stuck together.”
Picture 8

“I think of The Bachelor as life.” —Jason Mesnick
Picture 9
So do we, Jason, so do we. Clearly, considering we spend half of our time during the season writing daily content on it. Oh, you mean it’s life because you met your spouse on the show and had a baby? Our bad. We just really like the show.

DeAnna and Stephen are the second most hilarious couple in Bachelor history.

Sean and Catherine are clearly first, but we’ll get to them later.

DeAnna picked Jesse on her season of The Bachelorette and the hilarity of this decision is not lost on her, as she dissolves into a fit of giggles when she recalls her decision.
Picture 11 LOLZ. What a knee-slapper.
Picture 12
Stephen is Michael’s twin brother and, therefore, this makes DeAnna and Stephen a Bachelor couple by both genetics and we guess, osmosis. Obviously, one’s induction into the Bachelor(ette) family is transferrable to family members.

What’s that sound you hear? It’s us, signing up all of our siblings to participate on this show. Let them go through the embarrassment of drunken shenanigans while we watch and tweet snarky comments about them. We’ll be here, right here, watching and judging and sharing embarrassing stories from their youth. Then we’ll swoop in and meet the men of our dreams at a Bachelor reunion party. This is a completely brilliant plan. Thanks, DeAnna and Stephen!

The Bachelor stork is en route!

Stephen is willing to take all the responsibility for making Baby Stag. He also wants their baby girl to be a soccer player and wear pink velour track suits. We move that DeAnna make all baby fashion choices from here on out.

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Their best idea is to make Chris Harrison be their midwife. We love this idea so much, we wrote up a quick script for Harrison to borrow when he delivers Baby Stag.

Chris Harrison enters a room that looks a little bit like the Fantasy Suite that Jonathan tried to set up during Des’ first cocktail party. Instead of a bed, there is a hospital bed. Instead of candles, there are machines to monitor DeAnna and the baby’s vital signs. Harrison is wearing hospital scrubs, complete with a skinny tie. The entire ensemble is being rushed to the Chris Harrison Collection online store as we speak.

“Good evening. I’m Chris Harrison. Tonight, we take the journey of life with DeAnna and Stephen. We’ll take you through the first contractions, the epidural and every single scream. It will be the most exciting—and dramatic—birth yet. Let me just turn over here and…” *Chris Harrison hits the floor with a thud because he just can’t handle delivering a baby. Elan Gale is recruited to deliver the baby, because the calming voice he used on Victoria last week is just what DeAnna needs during this experience.*

Months later, Baby Stag is christened in the Bachelor Hot Tub. Chris Harrison performs the ceremony. In the Bachelor world, everything comes full circle.

Ashley and JP are also still together.

Ashley feels like she’s been with JP for 25 years and JP is all, “Yup. That feels about right.”
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Ashley begs JP to make her breakfast every day. He’s all, “Ashley, I love you, but it’s really hard for me to cook when you’ve pinned down my arms.”
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This segment reminds us that Ashley has a LOT of energy. Like, a lot of energy.

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The extra energy has manifested itself into baby fever. JP is the voice of reason in this, which is probably what makes them such a good match. Picture 19 Ashley: “I HAVE BABY FEVER! MY BODY IS SAYING ‘GO, GIRL!’”
JP: “Yeah, we’re going to wait until she finishes residency first.”Picture 18

Wise move, JP. Especially since you already have to take care of this little dog.
Picture 17

Stop everything, because the most important Bachelor couple in history is spilling their secrets.

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Clearly, the secret to a good marriage is just going with the flow. If someone grabs the mug with your name on it, don’t complain. Just grab their mug because it’s only fair. And switching mugs so that each one goes to their rightful owner is just too darn difficult and not worth it when you have two kids.

Ryan Sutter, the original Bachelor romantic.

Chris Siegfried, you are No. 2 when it comes to poems. Ryan is the original poet. He also knows that sometimes poems can’t compare with jewelry.
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Picture 22
WOWZA. We gotta put on our shades to look at that thing. Well done, Ryan. Well. Done.

Ryan gets HIS dream wedding.

We all know that Ryan is an outdoorsy guy. He likes skiing and fishing and all the other things you do in places where you don’t get cell phone reception. So, we’re going to go out on a limb here and guess that when Trista told him their wedding was going to be all pink everything, he wasn’t exactly over the moon.

Picture 21
For their vow renewal, they did something more low-key in Colorado. It was right up Ryan’s alley and had so few frills that he felt it was necessary to wear this jacket to bring some swag to the ceremony.
Picture 27 Also, Trista’s dress is awesome. So. Much. Bling.
Picture 24
They say some new vows. Or at least, Trista does. Ryan recited the same vows from 10 years ago, and ABC makes us listen to the ones where there is a helicopter drowning it out.

We’re not crying, you’re crying.

Wait, no, we’re crying. This is so sweet. Leave it to an ABC Love Stories special to turn us into believers. We’re basically Avery.

YOU CAN FIND LOVE ON TV. Anyone who believes otherwise is just a hater, and haters gon’ hate. Trista and Ryan prove it.

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OK, it only works approximately 23.5 percent of the time, but it still works once in a while!

Talk panda to me.

In case you weren’t convinced that Sean and Catherine are the actual greatest couple, they dressed up in animal heads for their Save the Dates. That’s awesome. Period.
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Also, they still frolic! They are awesome and fun and we love them.

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The Consummation Station

So, we know a lot of people think this is weird and getting old, but we think it’s kind of funny. Catherine is arguably more excited to get to the honeymoon suite than Sean is. She is rarin’ to go.
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We don’t blame you, Catherine. I mean, have you seen that hunk?!

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She’s going to run out of that reception faster than Usain Bolt.

Boring Monday previews

We never thought we would be all, “Preview for Monday? Whatever.” But that’s what happened on Sunday. We just can’t even wait for Sean and Catherine’s wedding. But don’t worry, we’ll be on Twitter (@bachelorburnbk) and on the blog allll week recapping Monday’s episode and preparing ourselves for the greatest wedding of all time. Woo!
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Want more Bachelor Burn Book? Follow us on Twitter @bachelorburnbk. We live tweet during every episode and offer our insights throughout the week on all things Bachelor-related.

Images on this blog are the property of ABC or their respectful owners.

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