Well, for this week, at least.
Listen, we’ve got some awesome (or, we think they’re awesome) things planned for the Whatever the Heck We Wants. I mean, really, it’s gonna be gettin’ cray up in the Bachelor Burn Book on Fridays. We’re excited about them, but at the same time, we just can’t quit the Glen Cocos. When we told you they would be back, we were serious. And so, here they are.
So, yeah, this week the Glen Cocos are back. This episode just had too much potential to leave the Cocos in Regina George’s incredibly spacious closet. In case you’re new here, or it’s just been so long since your eyes have graced the Glen Cocos that you’ve forgotten how they work (for shame!), here’s a review:
Basically, The Glen Cocos are a rotating awards system. We’ll make up a bunch of random awards and hand them out to people each week. Some will be serious. Most of them will (hopefully) be funny. In your mind’s eye, picture them being handed out by Chris Harrison dressed in a Santa suit.
The Olivia Pope Award
This one goes to Renee, who has apparently become the unofficial house mom of the group. When someone needs to be talked off the ledge (or coaxed out of a bathroom stall), she’s there to fix the problem. When one of the girls is losing it (or has already lost it … ahem, Victoria), she turns into Olivia Pope and handles it.
If we were on this show, we would be more like Nikki. As Victoria was approaching Category 5 hurricane status, Nikki was like, “Listen, Victoria. You’re a mess. You drank all the champagne, dropped it like it’s hot in the pool and humped a wall. I don’t really care if you want to act like an idiot, but you’re embarrassing yourself, FYI. Get it together.”
But that’s not how Renee handled it. She army-crawled under the stall and talked to Victoria like she was a drunk college girl who didn’t understand why the douchebag guy she likes only calls her at 1 a.m.
Renee: “Ohh, honey. You’re upset because you didn’t get your one-on-one time with Juan Pablo yet?”
Victoria: “YESS! I HATE HIM! I WANT TO GO HOME!”
Renee: “But, honey, everyone is so happy that you’re here!”
Victoria: “NO! NO! NO THEY’RE NOT!”
Renee: “Do you want to have your one-on-one time with Juan Pablo now?”
Victoria: “NO! JUST GO AWAY! LEAVE ME ALONE! I WANT TO GO HOME NOW!”
The only problem was that Victoria could not be reasoned with because she is not a reasonable person. But it wasn’t for lack of trying. Four for you, Renee. You go, Renee.
The Worst Dressed Award
…Goes to Sharleen. We like Sharleen. Really, we do. But WHAT was she wearing during that cocktail party?
Is that a bed sheet? A toga? A toga made out of a bed sheet? This looks like the outfit we put together for toga parties in college. Albeit, Sharleen’s toga is probably much more expensive than the togas we made out of Walmart sheets. But it still looks like a toga.
The Baby Genius Award
Awwww, so cute.
Anyways, there are two winners for this one. First up, it’s Elise, for a couple or reasons. She came up with the really clever idea of switching costumes with Lucy the Nudist, which was brill. That’s enough of a reason for her to earn 1/8 of the Baby Genius Award. She earned the other 7/8s of the award because, well, she’s been practicing her surprise face for a really long time and we thought we should give her the chance to use it for something other than a date card that’s already expected anyways.
The other Baby Genius Award goes to Kelly. Yeah, Kelly. The one who thought the group date card could also apply to eating cheese. Kelly’s a genius, because she has managed to do two things on this show. First, she got her dog in the mansion. This is brilliant because you don’t have to miss your dog, and you also don’t have to pay to board them. Win-win. Second, she managed to conceal her real job.
Here’s the deal. When people have weirdo occupations like “dog lover” or “free spirit” or “VIP cocktail waitress,” we’re forced to fill in the blanks. Do these people have other jobs? Probs. Do we know what they are? No. Which begs the question, why, pray tell, would you need to conceal your real job? We can think of only a handful of options. Either you actually work at Hooters (you know who you are,
Blakeley) or you’re a spy.
This is how we picture her interview for the show going:
Kelly: “I work for the government. I have the highest possible security clearance — DON’T repeat that!”
Bachelor producers: “We won’t.”
Kelly: “I can’t protect you. I know where all the nukes are and I know the codes.”
Bachelor producers: “We won’t say anything.”
Kelly: “You would be amazed. A lot of shopping malls.”
Bachelor producers: “Isn’t that from Bridesmaids?”
Kelly: “I can’t answer that.”
Bachelor producers: “So… we can list your occupation as ‘Member of B-613?'”
Kelly: “No. Too risky. Also, too close to the B-52’s. Can’t get that misconstrued. Listen, how about we make a deal. I can’t list my real occupation. You want me on the show ’cause I’m clearly funny as heck. How about you let me bring my dog on the show, we list my occupation as ‘dog lover’ and call it a day?”
Bachelor producers: “Why dog lover? Why not chef? Or teacher?”
Kelly: “Because Melissa McCarthy adopted all those dogs in Bridesmaids.”
Bachelor producers: “So your speech was from Bridesmaids?
Kelly: “I can’t answer that.”
The Not A Baby Genius Award
Oh, Victoria. You’re not a genius. You’re just a big, drunk crybaby. The Bachelor is a show that really separates the
men from the boys fun drunks from the annoying drunks. You are an annoying drunk and you let the whole world know. This, by definition, is not something a baby genius would do, because a) they can’t drink, and b) they are geniuses. And therefore, would not do the things that you did. So here’s a Glen Coco, because Lord knows you aren’t going to be winning a Nobel Prize anytime soon.
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