The second week of every Bachelor season is always one of our favorites because it reminds us of the show’s true meaning. During the premiere, it can be so easy to lose sight of this. But now that the first cocktail party is over and all of the sexual predators (ahem, Amy J.) have been weeded out, we can now focus on what this show is really about—over-the-top dates, crying in public restrooms, getting white girl wasted, making friends and, of course, not being there for the right reasons.
We, however, are here for the right reasons—to be judge-y. So let’s start judging.
Tonight on El Bachel-or…
Clare is blindfolded and kidnapped, Andi is forced to cover her hoo-ha with a cardboard sign, Cassandra can’t handle the emotional stress of being on The Bachelor, and Victoria … well, she can’t handle life, in general.
Great! This sounds like fun! Where do we sign up?
Molly the Dog contracts a venereal disease.
The episode begins on a beautiful day in smoggy Los Angeles, California. The sun is shining, the birds are chirping, the girls are yapping and Molly the Dog is … swimming?!
NOOOOOO! Not in the Bachelor Mansion pool! Kelly, WHAT are you thinking letting Molly the Dog swim in that thing? There are still venereal diseases living in that pool from Bachelor Pad! God only knows how many girls went searching for Ed Swiderski’s pickle while going for a midnight swim.
Molly the Dog needs to get to an emergency vet. STAT.
Blindfolded Clare, surprisingly, can’t see anything.
After Clare spends approximately two and a half hours putting on makeup, Juan Pablo finally comes to pick her up. But before they leave, he tells her she has to be blindfolded until they get to their destination.
On the way there, Clare asks Juan Pablo about 37 times where they’re going. Much to our surprise, she doesn’t get the answer she is seeking.
So finally, she gives up and decides, “…All I can do is sit there and … smell him.”
Yes, Clare. What a totally sane thing to say. Just lean on over and take a couple whiffs.
Meanwhile, back at the Bachelor Mansion…
Lucy is naked and does not care.
This seems to phase no one.
Clare sucks at ice skating.
After having a snowball fight and playing peek-a-boo in between the trees, Juan Pablo and Clare the Laugh-Talker go ice skating.
Correction: Juan Pablo holds Giggles up as she attempts to ice skate and fails miserably.
And here’s Clare falling out of the makeshift rink:
Juan Pablo tastes like frozen water.
Not only does Clare think Juan Pablo has the distinct smell of heaven (whatever that means), she also thinks he has a distinct taste. And that taste is snow.
Yes, snow. What does that even mean? Snow is water that has frozen into ice crystals. So, we guess, Juan Pablo tastes like frozen water.
Mmm, what a turn on.
Time for a private concert with John Cratchit!
Clare, who almost certainly has no idea who Joe Crotchik is, runs toward him like she owns every album he’s ever recorded. (Who are these people, and where does ABC find them?)
Anyway, Jay Crapit strums a few chords on his guitar, Clare wonders where oh-where the fake snow could possibly be coming from, she and Juan Pablo kiss, Clare laughs some more and the date ends.
“Stop, dance, chh, chh.” —Juan Pablo
In case you haven’t heard, Juan Pablo is looking for a woman who can dance. Your finances could be in ruin, you could be an unemployed Free Spirit, you could even be a crazy stalker … it all wouldn’t matter as long as you can bailar.
So, since dancing is so important to Juan Pabs, it would only make sense for him to take Kat, who can apparently dance, to a rave/run/walk/extreme dance party.
Kat is all like, “Oh, cool. This seems fun.” But Juan Pablo … ohh no no. He wasn’t just excited to be there. He was FRICKIN’ AMPED.
As soon as Juan Pablo saw all the people, he was like, “AHHHHHHHH! AHHHHH! TIME TO BAILAR! WOOOO! LET’S DO THIS THING! AHHHH!”
Dude totally lost it. But it’s whatevs because he looked so sexy while he was dancing that we forgot he turned into a screaming maniac.
Ay dios mio.
On a totally serious note, we would LOVE going on this date. It would really give us a chance to show off our polished dance moves, SUCH AS: the sprinkler, the shopping cart, the arm swirl, the Dougie and this:
Juan Pabs would LOVE us.
It’s time for a cheesy metaphor!
Welp, that didn’t last long. We barely made it into Week 2 before we had to put our TV on mute. Yes, that’s right folks, it’s time for our first metaphor of the season.
“The electricity here is like the electricity between me and Juan Pablo.” —Kat
NOOOOOOO! And we liked you, Kat. We really did.
The girls prepare for the group date.
With the first group date looming, the girls are nervously trying to prepare themselves for what the activity might be…
Kelly the Dog Lover, for example, wonders if she will get to Zoidberg some cheese on the date:
“The date card said, ‘Say cheese.’ I would assume it’s a photo shoot, but maybe it’s eating cheese. I’m good at both, soo … I’m alright with either one.” —Kelly
Victoria, meanwhile, is feeling a little
“I’m a little nervous ‘cause I feel like there’s so many girls. (Yes, Victoria, there are.) All these girls are trying to date the same guy. (Good call, Victoria.) Umm … it might turn into a horror show. (It will.) But hopefully it won’t. (Oh, don’t worry, it will.)”
Lucy is Regina George’s little sister.
If you’re one of the 10483732 people wondering who the heck raised Lucy, don’t worry. We have the answer you’ve been searching for.
Now here’s Regina George’s little sister alllll grown up:
“How am I gonna get Juan Pablo’s attention? Well, I can’t do thisssss…
“…So I’ll have to think of something elssssse.” —Lucy
It alllll makes so much sense now.
Kelly the Dog Lover is SO PSYCHED.
Puppies! Puppies everywhere!
All the girls, Kelly the Dog Lover included, are beyond excited for this group date. Because if there’s anything that makes a girl start acting cray, it’s dogs (and marriage and babies and just people, in general).
Everyone was having a great time playing with the dogs and watching them hump each other, until this lady shows up and is like, “I’m the founder of Models, Mutts and Sluts. Each month, we do a sexy photo shoot that involves making everyone get naked. But, don’t worry. It’s NBD because we help out charities, so getting naked is totes acceptable.”
And then, all of a sudden, the women weren’t feeling so excited anymore because they looked like this…
And they had to wear this…
Victoria was right. This group date did turn into a horror show.
This group date is
Andi and Elise’s Lucy’s worst nightmare.
While everyone was worried about poor Andi and Elise, we were more concerned with Lucy. That guy with the fugly blue goatee (who we would like to send hate mail to, by the way) gave Lucy a costume that covered EVERY INCH OF HER BODY. Que horriblé!
But then, Elise, who probably joined the Mathletes in high school, came up with a completely brilliant plan. Since she didn’t want to do the photo shoot in her birthday suit and Lucy definitely did, Elise offered to take the fire hydrant suit off her hands.
Lucy’s parents forgot to teach her how to be normal.
Lucy’s mother, who we now know to be Amy Poehler, obviously forgot to teach her daughter what falls under the “acceptable behavior in public” category.
See, Lucy, before people go outside … in public … around people … they usually put on something called “clothing.” This usually includes pants, a shirt of some sort (unless you’re Des and like to wear half of a shirt), and sometimes, the real conservative folks wear undergarments.
Somebody’s gotta do Amy Poehler’s job around here…
Meanwhile, Kelly still looks like a spotted martian.
Make that a constipated spotted martian…
And now that Elise is complaining about her fire hydrant costume (Seriously, Elise? You almost had to wear an 8 1/2 x 11” sheet of paper), Kelly is now…
A pissed off spotted martian.
She was all like:
Andi, Juan Pablo and Lucy win Most Awkward Photo of the Year.
Seriously. This picture looks like one of those horrible, awkward Christmas card photos—like this:
Victoria wants to give Juan Pablo the hymen maneuver.
Ohhh, Victoria. We have no words. Not a single one. So, we’ll just let you do all the talking:
“What do I gotta do to get some Juan Pablo action around here?” —Victoria
“Do I gotta hump somebody’s leg?” —Victoria, again
“If Juan Pablo just so happens to be mine, I’m gonna straddle him every dayyyyyy. ‘Cuz that’s what life is about. Straddling people. And things.” —Still Victoria
“Juan Pablo is my boyfriend. Today, I gave him the hymen maneuver. I saved his life.” —A very heroic Victoria
Elan is the mom of the producers group.
Poor Elan has apparently been charged with the unenviable task of corralling all the drunk girls this season. Unfortunately for Elan, this job description includes telling Victoria that her demands literally make no sense.
Elan: “We can’t have you go without shoes.”
Victoria: “I don’t give a f***. I’m done.”
Elan: “I understand you’re done. I know. Do you want to take a seat?”
Victoria: “STOP, NO! I’M DONE! I’M GOING HOME.”
Elan: “I have to get you a flight. I have to get you a taxi cab. For your safety, I can’t let you just leave. For your safety.”
Once Victoria had enough of Elan speaking to her like a normal, logical human being, she, once again, went running off through the building like a demon, flinging doors open and leaving destruction and ruin in her wake.
The drama continues.
Finally, Lucy, of all people, realizes that El Bachel-or has no idea what’s going on, so she decides to fill him in. She interrupts poor Christy and is all like, “Umm, Juan Pablo, she’s gone wild. Victoria has gone wild. She drank all the champagne, humped a wall, cursed out Elan and Renee, and now, she’s crying in the girls’ bathroom over we’re not sure what exactly.”
So, Juan Pablo decides to do something dramatic. He enters the women’s restroom. GASP.
But before he could address the Victoria situation, this one rando girl saw him and was like, “Hey, get out of here!”
To which Juan Pablo replied, “OH MY GOD, DANNY DEVITO! I LOVE YOUR WORK!”
“Sorry I’m not really sorry.” —Victoria
As if Victoria’s behavior during the group date wasn’t bad enough, her actions the next morning were somehow worse. This is literally how Victoria “apologized” to Juan Pablo:
Victoria: “I guess I should … apologize. For setting off the crazy train. Welcome to Brazilllllll.”
This comment literally made no sense. Like, it’s so stupid, it actually frustrates us.
Victoria: “That whole thing was embarrassing. REALLY embarrassing. I am MORTIFIED.”
Can’t you tell by the look on her face?
Victoria: “I guess I probably could’ve been a little more adult about it and handled it better.”
Finally, after letting Victoria embarrass herself AGAIN, Juan Pablo is like, “Eeees ok. But leeesten, I can’t have you around my daughter. You’re not even a functioning member of society. You have to go home, like now.”
Victoria stares blankly. We rejoice.
The Bachelor Burn Book writers have a very important question.
While Cassandra was trying to figure out whether competing against 27 women for one guy is worth being away from her son, we were more concerned with this:
Is that a trap door in the background?! Where does that lead to? A secret passageway, perhaps? If anyone reading this knows the answer to this VERY important question, please send us a telegram, candy-gram or tweet ASAP.
She asked me how to spell orange.
This is the place where we’ll highlight the stupidest thing said on each episode, like when Karen asked Damien how to spell orange.
“If Juan Pablo just so happens to be mine, I’m gonna straddle him every dayyyyyy. ‘Cuz that’s what life is about. Straddling people. And things.” —Victoria
Thank you, Victoria. Thank you for sharing this valuable life lesson with us. Before now, we were just two lost souls trying to figure out what life is all about. But now we know, thank God.
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