Wait, that’s not how the song goes? Whoops, our bad.
Anyways, as we were watching this week’s episode of the Bachelor (twice. The things we DO for you people!), we had a thought. We’re
not ashamed pretty ashamed to admit that we know what this whole Tinder phenom is all about. You rate guys based on their looks — swipe left for fugly! swipe right for handsome! –and hope that they thought you were cute. It’s superficial and weird and a sad, sad statement about our generation’s dating techniques, but it’s a thing and it’s hilarious and now we know why.
It’s because it’s BASICALLY the Bachelor(ette) premiere in mobile form.
Before we get too far into this (and believe us, we will), we’ve got to explain what the heck is going to be happening in the Bachelor Burn Book on Fridays. We felt confined by the Glen Cocos (and the Party Fouls, but no one remembers those). We had trapped ourselves in a box of our own design.
So we’ve developed the “Whatever the Heck We Want” feature. It will run on Fridays and it will be ridiculous. Some weeks, it might be the Glen Cocos. Other weeks, it might be an interview or a random post like the one you’re reading now. There are no rules here, because we’re not a regular blog, we’re a cool blog and you’re going to want to check in here on Fridays. Now, back to your regularly scheduled post…
Basically, Juan Pablo just played Tinder on national television. Here’s how:
1. His profile was a long string of moving pictures. It had all the customary Tinder shots, including a shirtless picture…
…and a shot of prospective match with a dog or a child to prove that he’s here for the Right Reasons. In Juan Pablo’s case, we get both, because he’s the Bachelor and therefore TOTALLY here for the Right Reasons.
2. You’ve got basically five seconds to impress him. Catching the Bachelor(ette)’s eye really depends on what cycle of the Bachelor franchise we’re in. For Des’ season (and for lots of the other Bachelorettes, as well), a guy with a funny joke or a just the standard “Hi, I’m What’s-His-Face” is an effective way to grab a rose. Guys with lots of over-the-top gimmicks tend to exit early. It’s the same with Tinder. A guy with a coiffed first photo and a normal bio is hard to pass over. A guy with a tiger or something in his profile picture usually causes an eye roll and a left swipe.
Sorry that picture was big. It was a really big tiger, apparently.
For the guys, like Sean or Juan Pablo, they’ll overlook the crazy for weird reasons. They want something they can immediately latch on to, like a mutual interest or an easy talking point. For example, we all know Sean kept the girl in the wedding dress. And Juan Pablo kept Clare, even though she was faking pregnancy, which is the definition of odd if you ask us.
Juan Pablo’s thinking, “yeah, I’ll swipe right. Whatevs.”
3. Sometimes, you swipe right and you really mean to swipe left. That’s the only way we can justify Juan Pablo letting Lucy through to the next round.
4. And sometimes, you get a match and you second-guess yourself. You know the feeling. You swipe right on a guy that looks cute because you’ve seen like five consecutive duds and then you match and you realize he wasn’t actually that cute after all. You end up with a look that resembles this:
5. Before you know it, you’ve got a bunch of matches and you have to weed through them. Kind of like what Juan Pablo is going to be doing for the next three months. You seek out your friends for help, and eventually, you end up blocking everybody because they’re kind of weird. That’s basically the Bachelor. And the Bachelorette. Only not getting a rose is the block button and your friends are people you haven’t met before, like Sean Lowe.
Pretty much, the Tinder guys owe ABC royalties because they discovered this First Impression formula 18 seasons ago. #science
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