Welcome to the Bachelor Burn Book Power Rankings, folks!
Juan Pablo has officially begun his quest to find love, and he’s got quite the journey ahead of him (We said journey. Drink!). With so many
crazy wonderful women in the house, we could tell that Juan Pablo was feeling a little … overwhelmed meeting all of them. But not to worry, Juan Pabs. We are here to help you weed through the spray tans and horrible Spanglish to find the woman of your dreams (preferably one who can dance, since we know how important that is to you).
If you’re new to our Power Rankings, we’ll bring you up to speed. Here’s how it works:
Every week, we’ll tell you who we think did the best, who did the worst and who got completely lost in the shuffle on the latest episode of The Bachelor. We’ll rank (and kind of judge) the women based on their interactions with each other and with Juan Pablo. Of course, we’ll factor in how we think Juan Pabs views each of his female suitors, as well. Just think of it as if we’re seating the women at the appropriate tables in the Mean Girls cafeteria.
Last week: #2
Lawyer Chick is definitely our early favorite right now. She and Juan Pablo go together like peas and carrots, macaroni and cheese, green eggs and ham, Bert and Ernie, Pinky and the Brain, Bosnia and Herzegovina, Beavis and Butthead.
We just hope she isn’t the one who ends up crying in the public restroom and wishing death upon Juan Pablo. Then, they wouldn’t go together. They’d be more like Eazy-E and Dr. Dre. Or Seinfeld and Newman.
Last week: #15
We still think this girl is kinda boring, but Juan Pablo seems really, really into her (mostly just because she has a kid). He’s so into her, in fact, that he managed to remember both her and her son’s names AFTER he was done drooling over the 26 other women (well, 25, if you don’t count Lucy).
Last week: #12
Sharleen totally got signed up for this show against her will. You know her friends were all like, “Come on, let us sign you up! They won’t pick you! They won’t pick you! Don’t worry!” And then, to Sharleen’s dismay, the producers picked her. She’s totally normal, and here she is, stuck on this reality show with a bunch of desperate wackjobs. Poor Juan Pablo was completely smitten by her the second she stepped out of the limo, and she’s looking at him like he’s got four heads. Then, when he offered her the First Impression Rose, she gave this look that screamed, “I’m going to kill all four of the people who voluntarily signed me up for this stupid show. Then, I’m going to start picking off these producers and idiot contestants one by one.”
Ugh, what a waste of a perfectly good First Impression Rose. We’re only ranking her so high because Juan Pablo is like, madly in love with her and obliviously unaware of how much Sharleen hates her life right now.
Last week: #25
Welp, it looks like we totally underestimated Nikki. We thought she’d be an absolute hot mess the first night. (What else were we supposed to think when we read that “drunk dancing” was her favorite type of dancing?) But it turns out, she might actually be somewhat … normal. At the very least, she has a paying job, which is more than Kelly the Dog Lover and Lucy the Free Spirit can say…
Last week: #26
Typically, we would immediately write off anyone who thinks it’s a good idea to stage a fake pregnancy when introducing herself to El Bachel-or. BUT, for some very, very strange reason, the whole fake pregnancy gimmick didn’t seem to phase Juan Pablo. (Bless his heart.) He just looked right past it and complimented Clare on her dress like the fake baby bump wasn’t even there.
It seems like he and Clare could end up having quite the connection. Could Clare be the next Lindsay Yenter? They both had totally ridiculous entrances that should’ve sent Sean and Juan Pablo running for the hills. But Lindsay ended up sticking around, and we have a feeling Clare will too. (Also, because she was in approximately 87% of the preview clip.)
Last week: #10
After the top five, this ranking system is basically a crapshoot the first week. The only thing we remember about Chelsie is that she and Juan Pablo took some pictures in the photo booth together. Sure, she got cut out of nearly every photo and Juan Pablo couldn’t remember her name, but they seemed to have a good time, right?
Whatevs. It’s good enough for her to make our top 10.
Last week: #7
Kat was mostly forgettable the entire night. But then, something magical happened. She was part of the most amazing rose ceremony OF ALL TIME. Kat was gleefully about to step down to accept her rose, and then this happened:
OH MY GOD. SO AWKWARD.
We love seeing
teachers outside of school awkward moments like this. It’s like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs.
Last week: #6
Hmm … *flipping through our notes* … nope, we got nothin’.
OK, eighth it is then!
Last week: #20
Could this finally be the season when the token “diversity” contestant makes it far? She and Juan Pablo seemed to get along quite splendidly during the 37 seconds we saw them talking. Also, they both just so happen to live in Miami.
Perhaps this could be a Bachelor diversity match made in heaven.
10. Lauren S.
Last week: #22
Even if Lauren S. turns out to be the most crazy, desperate contestant this show has ever seen, we will always like Lauren S. Why, you ask? Because she rode up to the Bachelor mansion on a bike with a frickin’ piano attached to it!
We are not kidding when we say that this is totally something we would do if we were ever on this show. Our grand entrance would go something like this:
Bachelor Burn Book writer #1 would be the one on the bike playing the piano. And trust us when we say that she would struggle as mightily as Lauren S. did to make it to the mansion’s front door. Then, Bachelor Burn Book writer #2 would be following alongside the piano bike doing a dance that is very similar to this:
It would be so epic.
Last week: #18
Elise seems nice.
Two minutes later…
Bachelor Burn Book writer #1 to Bachelor Burn Book writer #2: Who’s Elise?
Last week: #13
Ohh Danielle, you have us at a loss for words…
…because we can’t remember who you are.
Last week: #3
This exchange just took place at Bachelor Burn Book headquarters.
Bachelor Burn Book writer #1: Christy is really pretty.
Bachelor Burn Book writer #2: So you agree? You think she’s really pretty?
Touché, Bachelor Burn Book writer #2, touché.
14. Amy L.
Last week: #17
We’re still not over that hideous shirt that Amy L. wore in her casting photo.
Sorry, Amy L. You’ve gotta stay at the bottom of the barrel for at least another week just for wearing that thing.
15. Kelly (and Molly)
Last week: #24
Bringing your dog to the show, no matter how cute it is, does not justify the fact that you listed your occupation as “Dog Lover.” KELLY.
That’s just embarrassing. And now all of America thinks you’re unemployed.
Last week: #1
The only reason we’re ranking Victoria all the way down here is because she got approximately zero minutes of air time on Monday night. But if it were up to us, we’d totally keep her in the top five just because she likes Mean Girls.
Victoria, you can sit with us anytime.
Last week: #21
In case you missed the memo on Cassandra, we’ll fill you in. This girl is 21! TWENTY-ONE! She can’t possibly be serious about marrying Juan Pablo and becoming the stepmother of his child, can she? There’s no way. She’s there for the exposure, the free booze and to say she made out with Juan Pablo.
And we say this as if that’s not what the other 26 girls are there for…
Last week: #27
Ohhh, Lucinda. Lucinda, Lucinda, Lucinda. We are truly at a loss for words (and not because we can’t remember who you are). We remember exactly who you are, unfortunately. We remember it all. You draping your legs over Juan Pablo, the flower child headband, the obnoxious spinning and twirling, the over-the-top hugging, the bare feet. It was just all too much.
Also, as hard as this is to believe, Lucy allegedly dated the CEO of Snapchat. No wonder he wanted those pictures to disappear in 10 seconds…
19. Crazy Amy J.
Not to toot our own horn or anything, but this is what we wrote about Amy the Sexual Predator in our Preseason Power Rankings:
Amy J. appears to be a very normal, down-to-earth kind of girl. She gave all the right answers in her survey, and she seems very level-headed about this whole experience.
BUT, the Bachelor Burn Book writers are not ones to be duped so easily. Amy J.’s got the crazy eyes. She just looks like someone who might sit at the “Desperate Wannabes” table—not with The Plastics.
Could we be wrong? Maybe. But probably not. The crazy eyes don’t lie.
Who the deuce is Christine? Does anyone remember her? …Anyone?
Noo, not Lacy! Usually, we don’t give a hoot who goes home on the first night, but we were actually really bummed to see her go. For those of you who drank too much wine to remember who Lacy is, she was the girl who had several brothers and sisters who were mentally handicapped. Oh, and she also opened a nursing home at age 20. Like, a fully functional nursing home. How many 20-year-olds do you know who could do that? The only thing we were opening at age 20 was a package of Ramen noodles.
Maggie was one of our early favorites, too. Unfortunately, we’re pretty sure “Southern belle with a heavy Southern accent” isn’t Juan Pablo’s type.
We can’t think of anything to put in the Burn Book about Alexis, so we’ll make something up…
Alexis. She made out with a hot dog.
Aha, no one escapes from the Bachelor Burn Book unscathed.
We’re so glad this yokester got eliminated. What was with that strangely low voice she kept talking in? Was she trying to sound sultry? So weird…
Thank you, Kylie, for your wonderful contribution to Bachelor history. You will now be forever known as the girl in the fugly pink dress who was part of THE MOST AWKWARD ROSE CEREMONY IN THE HISTORY OF ROSE CEREMONIES. We are forever grateful.
(Also, since when does Kat sound like Kylie? Just sayin’…)
27. Lauren H.
Being the token first-night crier is not an enviable job, but someone’s gotta do it. The producers thank you for your service, Lauren.
Now you can get back to doing what you do best … coordinating minerals.
Thanks for reading!
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