We’re baaaaaaaack! You know what that means?! It’s the most Juanderful time of year again!
The Bachelor is back! Juanuary is here! Two hours of Juan Pablo every Monday! Lots of wine consumption! So much excitement! And what better way to kick off this glorious season than with our preseason power rankings?! Yes, that’s right. We have combed through all 27 bios, made our initial superficial judgments and ranked the women from least crazy to super crazy. Enjoy!
P.S. If you would like to read (and laugh at) the women’s full bios, click here.
Legal assistant, 24 years old, loves cats, blah blah blah blah blah…
WAIT. Her favorite movie is Mean Girls?! DONE. This girl is #1. FOUR FOR YOU, VICTORIA! YOU GO, VICTORIA!
YOU GUYS, HER FAVORITE TV SHOW IS SCANDAL. We LOVE Scandal—like, a lot. It’s becoming an unhealthy obsession. Clearly.
Also, the most outrageous thing Andi has ever done is convict a murderer in eight minutes. You know who else could convict a murderer in eight minutes? Olivia Pope.
Christy’s favorite actor is Adam Sandler. We also happen to like Adam Sandler. And since we’re now talking about Adam Sandler instead of Christy, we’ll show you a clip from our favorite Adam Sandler movie:
Also, in case you couldn’t tell, we’re ranking these women based on their TV show and movie preferences. That’s basically it. Sorry to disappoint if you thought our ranking system was more sophisticated.
Her favorite movie is Bridesmaids, y’all! Of course she’s in the top five. Duh. She also looks pretty normal, so … I guess that counts for something.
Also, here’s one of our favorite clips from Bridesmaids—because when is it not appropriate to show a scene from that movie?
Highlight from Lacy’s bio:
Q: Who do you admire most in the world and why?
A: My mom and dad for loving 11 of us kids with 9 of them being mentally handicapped.
Eleven kids and nine of them are mentally handicapped? Talk about an incredible story (that ABC will almost certainly force Lacy to mention 57 times).
We can’t find a reason to make fun of Alli based on her bio, so that probably means she’s pretty normal, right?
…Wait, a normal girl on The Bachelor? Pretty sure that doesn’t actually happen.
Here’s another one who seems pretty normal. Ahem, allow us to rephrase…
Here’s another one who is most likely crazy but knows how to hide it.
Good enough. She makes the top 10.
Highlight from Maggie’s bio:
Q: What’s the most outrageous thing you’ve ever done?
A: Flying out here by myself! I’d never flown!
Really? On the list of “most outrageous things you’ve ever done,” flying out to California is first? Not the whole “applying to be on The Bachelor” thing? Being one of 27 women fighting for one guy’s love and attention doesn’t strike you as outrageous? Nope, it’s the flight out to the show.
Bless her heart.
9. Lauren H.
This chick looks JUST like Blakeley Jones from Ben I-Look-Like-A-Dog Flajnik’s season, no?
The only difference is Lauren H. probably has cable because she’s a mineral coordinator … whatever that is.
Chelsie seems normal and is, thusly, too good to be true. We’ll throw her in with the other 26 crazies.
Kylie’s favorite board game is Jumanji. Yes, we know that a non-deadly version of this board game does exist in real life. But we prefer to imagine that Kylie enjoys playing the version of the board game that involves animal stampedes, monsoons, quicksand, large spiders and crocodiles.
That’s pretty much what the Bachelor mansion is like anyway, right?
Sharleen is an opera singer. Twenty bucks says her limo entrance involves singing. Because why do something simple and understated when you can sing loudly and obnoxiously?
Danielle only takes 30 minutes to get ready for a “big night.”
Welp, I guess we all know who will be the least high maintenance in the house. Imagine how quickly she must get ready for a little night…
Was that joke corny? Whatever, you wanted to laugh.
Highlight from Christine’s bio:
Q: Time it takes you to get ready for a big night?
A: As much time as I am given plus a few extra minutes.
Allow us to translate. Christine takes FOR-EVER to get ready. If you give her three hours, she gon’ take all three hours—and then some. Juan Pabs ain’t got time for that.
This girl’s bio was a snoozefest. We literally dozed off while reading it. (We’re also writing this at midnight, so that might have something to do with it.) Anywho, here’s all you need to know about Renee:
She’s a real estate agent from Martha’s Vineyard, and one of her favorite movies is The Vow. (Seriously? Who likes The Vow? That movie sucked.)
16. Amy J.
Amy J. appears to be a very normal, down-to-earth kind of girl. She gave all the right answers in her survey, and she seems very level-headed about this whole experience.
BUT, the Bachelor Burn Book writers are not ones to be duped so easily. Amy J.’s got the crazy eyes. She just looks like someone who might sit at the “Desperate Wannabes” table—not with The Plastics.
Could we be wrong? Maybe. But probably not. The crazy eyes don’t lie.
17. Amy L.
Whoa whoa whoa, Amy L. We gotta stop you right there. What the deuce are you wearing? That is the ugliest effing shirt I’ve ever seen.
Amy L. gets ranked 17th just for wearing that shirt. NEXT.
Highlight from Elise’s bio:
Q: What do you do for a living and how important is your career to you?
A: I am a first grade teacher. My career is extremely important! To make a difference in the life of a child is my passion. The children are our future.
The children are our future? Who says that? This is The Bachelor, Elise, not the Miss America Pageant. Let’s try to be a little more … low-brow, shall we? Maybe try saying more stuff like this:
Alexis is orange. Like, wayy too orange. Come on, girl. You’re from Tampa. Go sit outside.
Highlight from Chantel’s bio:
Q: What U.S. city is the most romantic to you and why?
A: Miami. I was born and raised in Miami and family that is closest to me lives there.
What kind of answer is that? Chantel, they didn’t ask you where you wanted to start a family. They asked you which city is most romantic to you. How does having family close by make a city romantic?
So, at first glance, you would THINK this girl is totally normal—until you realize that SHE’S 21! Child, what in God’s name are you doing on this show? You’re barely old enough to order a glass of wine, let alone marry a 32-year-old man and help raise his 5-year-old daughter. Case in point:
Q: I love it when my date…
A: Holds my hand
Q: I hate it when my date…
A: Doesn’t hold my hand
Deep, Cassandra. Real deep. Clearly, she knows EXACTLY what she wants in a relationship.
22. Lauren S.
Highlight from Lauren S.’s bio:
Q: Where do you see yourself in five years?
A: Hopefully more fulfilled with my career and my own business, but more importantly, married with kids! I have baby fever and I’m single—looking to settle down within the next five.
Ohhh dear. This girl is a bag of cray cray, and she isn’t afraid to hide it. Her clock is ticking, Juan Pablo. You have been warned.
Ashley’s bio gets a 10 on the unintentional comedy scale. It’s so good that we couldn’t share just one highlight:
Q: Favorite author?
A: Dr. Seuss
Translation: “Umm … I don’t read. Does Dr. Seuss count? One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish is SUCH a classic!”
Q: What is your favorite holiday and why?
A: Thanksgiving. I love Fall and it just kicks off the holiday season! Plus, I really enjoy a Pumpkin Spice Latte from Starbucks! Sweater dresses, scarves, leggings, boots … Fall fashion!!
OMG, SHUT UP.
Q: Do you enjoy camping?
A: Depends on the definition of camping.
What do you mean it “depends on the definition of camping?” This is a pretty simple question. They asked you if you like camping, not glamping. Do you enjoy crawling into a tent and sleeping on the ground in the middle of the woods? No? OK then.
Q: Do you like to dress up or do you prefer casual attire as a rule?
A: Oscar Wilde puts this perfectly: “You can never be overdressed or overeducated.”
Says the girl who put Dr. Seuss as her favorite author…
Highlight from Kelly’s bio:
A: Dog Lover
Hahahaha, you have to be kidding. Allow us to translate—Kelly has no occupation. Her full-time job is looking for a man with a full-time job.
Highlight from Nikki’s bio:
Q: Preferred type of dancing?
A: Is drunk dancing a type?
You mean like this?
No, Nikki, no it’s not. That’s just embarrassing.
So, we were going to share a highlight from Clare’s bio, but the whole thing is so pathetic that it’s actually more like a lowlight:
Q: What is the best trip you have ever been on and why?
A: I have never taken a vacation. I’ve always worked my buns off and never made time. Plus, I was never in a relationship that I could go on a vacation with.
Q: Do you consider yourself a romantic? If so, why?
A: I’ve never been one to be romantic. It’s hard for me because I’ve never experienced romance. I wish I was.
Wah wah wah wah. Does somebody need a waaaaambulance?
Oh my God. We are dumbfounded. Literally dumbfounded. This chick is CRAAAZYYYYYY. There’s no way we can pick just one of Lucy’s answers, so we’re going to show you like, all of them. Because they’re that bad.
Q: City or country person?
A: Neither. I am an ocean person.
An ocean person? What are you … a frickin’ mermaid? Do you live under the sea?
A: Free Spirit
Translation: This girl is
Q: Do you like being the center of attention or do you prefer being more mysterious and why?
A: I like to be the center of attention because I think I deserve to be. I have a commanding presence. I am charming, charismatic and entertaining.
You have to be kidding. Like, is this real? We have no words. Literally none.
Q: Who do you admire most in the world and why?
A: I admire my best friend Kate Upton for her thick skin.
So, she’s arrogant, self-centered AND a name-dropper? What a sweetheart. Where does ABC find such charmers?
Q: If you could be anyone else for a day, who would it be and why?
A: Why would I ever want to be anyone but myself?
Lucy seems like such a joy to be around, doesn’t she? Her sparkle must really light up a room.
Q: What’s the most outrageous thing you’ve ever done?
A: Once I organized a 50-person, fully nude dance party on a beach in Mexico.
Shocking. Truly shocking.
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