It’s 2014, y’all. There are obvs tons of things that are exciting about flippin’ that calendar, from champagne toasts and black-eyed peas to celebrating New Year’s Eve. (That kind of rhymed. We’re not saying we’re better poets than Chris Siegfried, but … we’re better poets than Chris Siegfried).
Anyway, all of those things are exciting, but let’s be honest, we’re actually most excited about the return of The Bachelor, which happens on January 6 and promises to be the BEST. AND. MOST. DRAMATIC. SEASON. EVER. How do we know this? Because Chris Harrison tells us every year and when Chris Harrison talks, you best listen.
In honor of this holiest of days, we decided to develop a few New Year’s Resolutions for our dear Bachelor, who has been tasked with the increasingly difficult plight of finding a soul mate whilst being tracked by an abundance of cameramen and women who are trying to catch you producing real, salty tears. We’re sure that Juan Pabs’ impending reality superstardom has left him little time to consider his goals for the year, so we’re gonna do him a solid and write them ourselves. No need to thank us, Juan Pabs. We’ll be here all season.
1. Become engaged. This one’s boring, so we figured we’d get it out of the way. Keep reading, though, we promise they get better. Also, make it romantic and sweet and hopefully your future fiancé says something awesome, like, “You mean I get all of this?”, like Catherine.
2. Mention Camilla more than Emily mentioned Ricki. This is more like a dare, so we’ll phrase it this way. Juan Pablo, we DOUBLE-DOG DARE YOU to mention Camilla more than Emily mentioned Ricki. Since Emily mentioned Ricki five times per episode, this means you must mention Camilla five and a half times and ONLY five and a half times because we don’t think we can take it if this becomes the Camilla Show. That’s what the Baby Bachelor is for, duh.
3. Habla español siempre. We completed, collectively, approximately eight years of Spanish. However, if we got lost in a Spanish-speaking country, we would perish because we basically only know how to say colors, numbers and the alphabet in Spanish. Oh, we can also conjugate verbs, which is something we didn’t even have to learn to be able to speak English. The moral of this story? If Juan Pabs were to communicate entirely in Spanish, it would not only make our hearts beat muy rapido, but it would also be like being in Spanish class again — only the teacher would be freakin’ Juan Pablo, not some old lady who makes you recite what you had for breakfast in español.
4. Convince Chris Harrison to add soccer gear to the Collection. BECAUSE EVERY SOCCER UNIFORM LOOKS BETTER WITH A SKINNY TIE.
5. Shun these women and come marry us. We’ll be here, on the internet, the whole season, writing recaps, tweet roundups, power rankings and a bunch of other random things (Don’t see the Glen Cocos on the list? That’s because none of you people read them. If you object, say so in the comments). Basically, we’re passably smart, sort of funny, and our minds are steel traps for movie quotes, so you know, call us maybe.