OK, OK, we’ll admit it. We were wrong. That two-part finale was everything we thought it wouldn’t be: dramatic, shocking, happy, sad, heartbreaking … pretty much any emotion you can think of. It was a roller coaster ride. We were convinced that this season would have the most boring and predictable ending ever. We gave Des a lot of flak for admitting so early on that she was in love with Brooks, and we hated on ABC even harder for not cutting out her numerous declarations of undying love. We saw this ending coming from a mile away. She was going to pick Brooks. But then, we got thrown for a loop, and nothing happened the way we thought it would. Maybe we’re just stupid, but we can honestly say that we didn’t know how this season was going to end until Des told Chris she loved him. Now THAT is the definition of a dramatic season. Well done, producers. It was nice to see Chris Harrison finally deliver on his oft-broken promise.
Alright, let’s get to the madness:
Previously, on The Bachelorette…
Des hated her life. We are sorry to report that she STILL hates her life. The last time we saw Des, she was left at the end of a dock, crying and alone. After a good eight hours, she finally left that dock. Unfortunately though, she’s now moved to a balcony.
So, she went from crying on a dock to crying on a balcony. Obviously, this is a sad state of affairs.
That was basically what Chris Harrison told us in the first three minutes of the show.
Des also hates Chris Harrison counseling sessions.
And we don’t blame her. This counseling sesh was torture. Chris Harrison DID NOT bring his A game for this one. Case in point:
Chris: “How you doin’ today?”
Des: “I’m OK.”
Chris: “You’re not ……………………… I’m sorry.”
Des: “I just want to go home, to be honest.”
Chris: “I understand.”
Chris: “Sooo, could you see yourself with one of these remaining two guys?”
Des: “Hmm … no. Shit. Wow, my life really does suck.”
GREAT, CHRIS. GREAT JOB.
Alright, already, the show goes on all night. ‘Til the morning, we dream so long…
At the end of her miserable therapy session with good ol’ CH, Des decided that the show, indeed, must go on, saying, “I’m still not broken.” Umm, really, Des? You look pretty broken here, no?
And here, too.
But whatevs. Despite the fact that she’s still obsessed with Brooks, Des tells Chris Harrison that she wants to go on dates with the other two guys. Our reaction? Thank God, because this show is three hours, and we have no idea what would fill this massive time slot if she didn’t.
Dooon’t be afraid to, jump then faaaaaall, jump then fall off of St. Anne’s Point.
Apparently, the producers wanted us to pay particular attention to the fact that the rose ceremony was being held at St. Anne’s Point.
Obviously, this is because, surely, somebody is going to end up jumping by the end of this shitshow. Anyway, as Des is explaining what happened with Brooks, she starts crying over him RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE OTHER GUYS.
And Drew and Chris are like, “What the eff? Why am I putting up with this crap?”
Des continues, “I’m not going to let what happened with Brooks get in the way of my relationships with you guys.”
Umm, right. No one is buying that, Des. Of course what happened with Brooks is getting in the way. You’re an emotional train wreck, for God’s sake.
Nonetheless, Des decides to hand out both roses, but not before double- and triple-checking that Chris and Drew actually want to be there. She cries, “If you don’t want this rose, PLEASE let me know. Or just jump off the cliff behind you. Actually, I might just jump and go home. Have I mentioned how much I hate everything right now? But, either way, just let me know. PLEASE.”
Chris and Drew ignore Des’ clear warnings to jump ship and decide to accept the roses anyway. Figures.
“I’ll never leave Desiree.” — Drew
Really, dude? Are you sure about that? What are you gonna do if she doesn’t pick you? Creep on her through a window, Chris Harrison-style?
Yeah, we don’t recommend that.
Bachelor Nation speaks.
…But we’re not really listening. We’re mostly just judging them and what they’re wearing.
Also, Chris Harrison, why does this girl get to speak for ALL of Bachelor Nation?
Maybe we don’t agree with her. Maybe she’s going to say something stupid. This hardly seems fair.
As it turns out though, the Bachelor Nation spokesperson could have been WAY worse. It could have been this lady:
CLEARLY, she remembered to bring her sassy pants. That’s why her belt is so high.
It’s holding up her sassy pants.
Des and Drew’s date is a dud.
You could tell this date was going to be bad from the get-go. Very, very bad. This is just a snippet of their lackluster conversation:
Drew: “So, um, how was your day yesterday?”
Des: “Um, it sucked. I cried for most of it. I didn’t really eat either, but that’s normal on this show. I also wrote about how much I love Brooks in my journal. I plan to send it to him after this whole thing is over. How was your day?”
Drew: “Oh. Um, it was good. Very relaxing.”
Des: “Did you go to the pool?”
Des: “Did you go to the beach?”
Drew: “No, I’ve just been sitting in my room.”
Des: “Oh, ok. Cool.”
Wow, this date is going GREAT.
You know it’s bad when Drew’s about to get hit by a tree branch.
Des can’t keep it real with Drew.
So, as you might recall (or not recall, depending on how drunk you were last night), this date got wayy worse. Des, who is, once again, wearing half of a shirt, takes Drew to a beach, where they decide to have a toast.
Drew says, “Here’s to being madly in love … and wanting to be nowhere else but here.”
Des awkwardly pauses and replies, “Umm, yeah, about that … I’m not madly in love, unless you’re talking about Brooks. And I’d rather be anywhere but here. Sorry, but … I just can’t keep it one hundid witchu.”
Drew, looking devastated, can only muster this response: “I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know.”
We’re still wondering if he knows or if he doesn’t know…
Drew has to walk to the airport.
So, not only did Drew get cast off the island, but now, he has to walk home. The poor guy left without a woman AND transportation. No horse, no limo, no buggy, no nothing. See how pissed he is?
That’s rough, dude.
Aaaand, still walking.
Bye, Drewwww. We’ll miss you.
hates loves Chris.
Ermahgerd, we absolutely love Chris. He’s perfect. I mean, just LOOK at those biceps.
Swoon. We love him even when he looks like an idiot because he can’t get his shirt off.
More importantly, though, we love Chris and Des together.
Forget Brooks. Chris is where it’s at. Why it took Des so long to realize this, we’ll never know.
“You’re always so calm, cool and collected, Chris.” — Des
Oh really, Des? Is that why he always looks like this?
Or is always sweating bullets like this?
And remember the time he tried to tell you he loved you? He looked like this:
Yep, that reminds us of a man who’s calm, cool and collected.
Chris knows just how to set the mood.
The lights are dimmed. The candles are lit. They drink some bubbly. He leads her over to the bed. They cozy up next to each other. He asks her if she’s ready. She eagerly replies, “yes.” He reaches into the drawer to grab a …
BOOK OF POETRY?!
Oh my God, is this real life? Were the 46 million poems from before not enough? Did you have to get her an ENTIRE BOOK OF POETRY?
This is the part where we’re thankful that this season is ending.
Des is crying … AGAIN.
Oh God, here we go. Now she’s blubbering on about Chris and how happy he makes her and how stupid she is for not realizing the man of her dreams was right in front of her all along.
Will her tear ducts ever run dry? We fear the answer is no.
On Mondays, we wear white.
Looks like Jackie, Lesley and Des (who, as we saw later, also wore white) have formed their own version of The Plastics.
This is fact. And, in case you didn’t notice, Lindsay is Cady in this situation. They haven’t yet invited Lindsay to have lunch with them every day for the rest of the week. Hence, why she’s not wearing white.
P.S. Lindsay, you should just know that they don’t do this a lot, so this is, like, a really huge deal.
Nate the Great has returned!
Let’s recap the awkward conversation during the family dinner, shall we?
Nate: “You’re not a jealous guy or anything along those lines, are you?”
Des [jumps in]: “Nooooo. Nope. He’s not. Next question.”
Nate: “How about that other guy? What do you think of that dude?”
Des shoots him this glance.
She later admits, “I am in a good place today with how I feel about Chris, and Nate could totally mess that shit up. What an a-hole. He’s going to ruin everything.”
Could it be any more obvious that Des hates her brother?
“Oh God, we have to do this again?” — Des
Unfortunately for Des, she, once again, has to sit down and talk with Nathaniel, and once again, she hates her life.
Luckily, however, Nate gives Chris his stamp of approval.
Her response? “Hm ……………… that’s nice to hear.”
Translation: “Thank God you’re not going to verbally assault this guy for the rest of his life if I marry him.”
We just get the feeling that their relationship is SO warm and fuzzy, don’t you? This isn’t forced at all!
IT’S THE BIG DAY!
And Des is crying again.
Just thought you should know.
Also, Chris is hyperventilating.
He’s so calm, cool and collected. Right, Des?
DON’T GET DOWN ON DAT KNEE, BOY!
After the standard mile-long hike, Chris finally makes his way to Des and starts professing his undying love for her. He’s all like, “Des, I want to be your rock. I won’t leave you crying on a dock. Brooks and Drew are tools. Pick me. I want to give you these nice Neil Lane jewels.” (BOOM! We came up with that poem all by ourselves. Aren’t you proud of us, Chris?)
But, just as he’s about to whip out the ring, Des was like, “No, don’t do that.”
And we were all like, “Whaaaaaa? Is this crazy b sending him home?!”
Turns out she wasn’t though. She was just like, “Throughout this journey, I was torn between you and Brooks. Aaaaand, then I realized that you’re way cooler than Brooks. And, also, I love you … sooo, you win! Now get down on dat knee, boy!”
Despite the fact that Des gave Chris a minor heart attack, they rode off into the sunset together, happy as clams. Well, actually, they walked down a hill together in broad daylight, but you get the point. They’re happy. We’re happy. Everybody’s happy.
Welp, we just turned into big ol’ softies.
Yeah, we know our job is to always make fun of this show and the people on it, but during this proposal, our hearts just completely melted. We even shed a few tears. And Bachelor Burn Book writer #1 NEVER cries over this stuff. (Writer #2 always cries though, so no surprise there.)
Seriously though, that was such a sweet proposal. It was so genuine, and we just love these two together so much.
Now it’s just Chris and Des against the
world tabloids. (Sorry to mess with your song lyrics, Matt White.)
Good luck, Chris and Des! We hope you guys are still together when you’re wrinkly and saggy!
She asked me how to spell orange.
This is the place where we’ll highlight the stupidest thing said on each episode, like when Karen asked Damien how to spell orange.
“A part of me wants to, you know, throw a shoe at his head or, you know, be like, ‘Ooooh, I’m gonna get ya!’” — Lindsay
Ohhh, Lindsay. Even when you’re not a contestant, you still manage to fill this segment. We can only hope that next season has a girl who can live up to the standard you’ve set.
Thanks for reading and tweeting with us this season! Love ya!
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