The Finale: Burning Questions

This finale is going to be epiiiiiiiic. You know why? BECAUSE THERE MIGHT NOT BE A FINALE! Whaaaaa?!

Everything is broken. Des’ heart is broken. Brooks’ heart is broken. Neil Lane’s heart is broken because he might not get to give away a ring fo’ free. Brooks’ hair … well, that was always broken. Even Chris Harrison’s heart is broken. Basically, everything is broken. So, obvs, we’re super excited for tonight’s episode. What the deuce is going to happen?! How long will it take Des to stop crying and make a decision? Will Chris Harrison make everything better? We know every Monday we always say that we have a lot of questions about the upcoming episode, but this week, we are freakin’ serious. We ACTUALLY do have a lot of questions this time. Here are the three that have really been bugging us for the past 168 hours:

1. Will Brooks return?

brooks boo hoo 3

Ummm … is the sky blue? Is the grass green? Did Regina George get hit by a bus? Yes is the answer to all of these questions. Brooks is most definitely coming back for one simple reason … he is Judy Grimes. He’s the Just Kidding Lady.

This has literally been Brooks’ thought process for the last three weeks:

I love Des. Just kidding. No I don’t. Yes I do. Just kidding, just kidding. I might love Des. Actually, just kidding. Maybe my mom will tell me what to do. Just kidding. I don’t want her advice. Just kidding I do. Maybe my sister can help me. Just kidding. She was no help at all. Just kidding, just kidding, just kidding. Chris Harrison will know what to do. Just kidding. He won’t. Just kidding, he will. I know what to tell Des. Just kidding, I don’t. Just kidding. I’m going to stutter like the kid from Billy Madison. Just kidding. I’m leaving the show. Just kidding. I’m not. Just kidding. I don’t know…

So, in case you couldn’t tell, we think Brooks is coming back because he can’t make up his friggin’ mind. Also, because Chris Harrison did this conference call with reporters on Thursday, and he hinted that Brooks indicated to the producers that he had regrets after he left (click here to read the full article from Digital Spy). Ohh, wishy-washy Brooksy, make up your mind, will you? And try to speak a little more coherently this time…

2. Will Des take Brooks back? 

Yes. We would take him back and we firmly believe Des should do whatever we say because everyone should take advice from people who spend most of their time watching TV and judging reality television contestants.

If she’s honestly that into him and he says he’s into her but wants to move more slowly than Bachelor World will allow, she should take him back. It’s totally OK if Brooks isn’t comfortable professing his love after three dates, and it’s also OK if Des decides that she would rather take her chances with him than accept a marriage proposal from guys who are clearly her second and third choices. That’s what we would do, and we’d definitely be on board if Des reached the same conclusion.

If Brooks returns,  he’ll probably say something like this, “Des, I, well, you love me and I was scared but I like you and I’m just not ready to propose, so maybe we go out for pizza in real life?” And Des will answer, “Well, it’s not dinner on a mountain in the clouds, but it’ll do.” Then, she’ll have the chance to find out if Brooks likes pizza with anchovies or if he can eat an entire buffet at Cici’s like Zoidberg (or any other potential deal-breakers that you can figure out on real life dates).

Although, if we went out with a guy who could eat a buffet like Zoidberg, we’d be impressed and probably triple text him until he took us out on another date. For normal people though, they might not be that impressed, to which we reply, send that dude to the Bachelor Burn Book Headquarters.

Anyway, the moral of the story is this:

If they’re meant to be, it will work. If not, at least they both can say they gave it their best shot in real life (and they’ll be really full from the pizza buffet).

3. How is Des going to tell Chris and Drew that she’s breaking up with them?

This is super simple. Des just needs to break up with them the way Warner broke up with Elle in Legally Blonde. The conversation should go something like this:

Des: One of the reasons I wanted to come here tonight … was to discuss our future.

Chris/Drew: And I am fully amenable to that discussion.

Des: Good. You know how we’ve been having … all kinds of fun lately? Well, the real world is gonna be different. Life outside of this show is a completely different world … and I need to be serious. My family, especially Nate, expects a lot from me. I expect a lot from me. I plan on running for office getting married someday.

Chris/Drew: I fully support that. You know that.

Des: Absolutely. But the thing is … if I’m going to be a senator get married by the time I’m 30, I need to stop messing around. That’s why I think it’s time for us … Chris/Drew, pooh bear … I think we should break up.

Chris/Drew: WHAT?!

Des: I’ve been thinking, and it’s the right thing to do.

Chris/Drew: You’re breaking up with me?! I thought you were proposing!

Des: Proposing? Chris/Drew, if I’m going to be a senator get married, I need to pick a Jackie scrawny guy, not a Marilyn guy with muscles.

Chris/Drew: You’re breaking up with me because I’m too … muscular?!

Des: No. That’s not entirely true.

Chris/Drew: Then what? My pecs are too big?

Des: Chris/Drew, your pecs are fine.

Chris/Drew: So, when you said in the fantasy suite that you would always love me, you were just messing around?

Des: I do love you. I just can’t marry you. You have no idea of the pressure that I’m under!

Then, Chris and Drew leave in a fury, Des tries to catch up to them in her blue Bentley, they officially break up and the rest is history.

Obviously, we’re kind of making light of the situation, but we totally get that these conversations aren’t going to be easy if Des decides to dump Drew and Chris. She probs just needs to be honest and say that no amount of poetry or hot make-out sessions will make her feel as giddy as Brooks does. That should get the point across.

In lieu of doing the Hot Seat segment this week, we’re gonna tell you about a chance to win a hot piece of jewelry instead. Because everyone loves bling. Duh.

You know how white gold hoops were Regina’s thing? Well, this rose pendant necklace could totally be your thing.

Screen Shot 2013-08-04 at 10.37.38 PM

So fetch, right?

Tonight, we hope Des finds her true love, and Helzberg is tweeting along with @BacheloretteABC to give away a rose pendant necklace for those who follow @Helzberg diamonds and tweet with the #IAmLoved and #Bachelorette hashtags. Follow the @Helzberg account on Twitter and watch for clues for your chance to win.

Be sure to tweet along with the folks at Helzberg and include both hashtags, because if you don’t, then you won’t win. Then ain’t nobody happy.

Best of luck in the giveaway, and thanks for reading every Monday! Enjoy the finale!

This is an opt-in sponsored post for which no compensation was received. Information was received from brands, giveaway restrictions apply.

Want more Bachelor Burn Book? Follow us on Twitter @bachelorburnbk. We live tweet during every episode and offer our insights throughout the week on all things Bachelor-related.

Images on this blog are the property of ABC or their respectful owners.

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