Well, Chris Harrison DID promise us some drama this season and man, did he deliver.
This week’s episode was devastating. Heartbreaking. Emotionally draining. Basically, every word you could ever use to describe what you feel when your heart gets stomped into a million teeny tiny little pieces. Poor Des. Poor everybody.
We feel for Des. Really, we do. We’ll wear all black in mourning of her failed relationship with Brooks. However, the show must go on. And since our Friday show is The Glen Cocos, well, here they are.
Basically, The Glen Cocos are a rotating awards system. We’ll make up a bunch of random awards and hand them out to people each week. Some will be serious. Most of them will (hopefully) be funny. In your mind’s eye, picture them being handed out by Chris Harrison dressed in a Santa suit.
The Sweet, Sweet Music Award
Antiguan tree frogs, come on down! Your incessant buzzing gave us a headache and made it super hard to hear the sweet nothings Drew was whispering in Des’ ear. We get that you’re part of the local ecosystem and all, but did you seriously have to make a noise that was as annoying as the vuvuzelas at the World Cup? We’d rather listen to another one of Chris’ poems than … wait, that’s a lie. We’d rather listen to the frogs.
The Shrinky Dink Award
Picture this: Chris Harrison is lounging in his Antiguan hotel room, minding his own beeswax and picturing new designs for the Chris Harrison Collection. He’s just chilling, waiting until it’s time for the rose ceremony. Then, he looks out his window. Illuminated in the clouds is a rose, a Bachelor bat signal, if you will. He’s needed. Brooks is wavering and the only thing that could possibly salvage this season is some divine intervention from Chris Harrison himself. He puts on his shoes, checks his immaculate hair and steps outside into the sunlight, hoping against hope that he can talk some sense into Brooks. Chris Harrison is the greatest shrink in reality TV and it’s not close. He wins everything, forever.
The Worst Dumper in History Award
Brooks, it’s cool that you don’t like Des. I mean, well, not really, considering we spent the past nine weeks watching y’all “fall in love,” but whatevs. Things happen and feelings fade and sometimes they’re just not that into you and all that jazz. But when you’re sitting there trying to dump somebody, don’t keep hugging them. Don’t keep apologizing. Don’t drag it out. Just dump them and leave. Rip it off like a Band-Aid. It’s easier that way, promise.
The MIA Award
Seriously, could no one bring Des or Brooks a tissue? They’re being filmed by, like, eleventy billion people and not one of them had a tissue? Not even a Chris Harrison Collection handkerchief? Maybe the other half of Des’ shirt? There was snot everywhere. EVERYWHERE. It was disgusting. Hand them a banana leaf, for God’s sake. Anything will do.
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