Week 9: Power Rankings

Welcome, Bachelorette enthusiasts, to the final installment of Power Rankings for this season! If you found yourself clicking on the link to this post and thinking, “What in the hell? How they ‘posed to rank these guys? Des ain’t even like none of ’em.”, you’re in good company. We thought the same thing and we’re the ones writing this post.

So, as you might’ve guessed, the whole “I love Brooks and don’t even want to think about/look at/talk to/go on dates with the other guys” thing that Des said on Monday presents a bit of a problem for us. Des has two guys left, and she likes approximately zero of them. Fantastic.

Hopefully, we haven’t managed to talk you out of reading this. If we did … well, shit. For those of you who are still sticking around, we promise we’ll have something interesting to say, despite, well, you know … lookin’ at you, DES.

Alright, off we go.

1. Chris

Chris

Last week: #2

This poor guy has been completely led on and has no idea. Can you imagine how bad it must suck for Chris to see this now? He’s literally watching Des tell Brooks that she doesn’t even like going on dates with the other guys, which just so happens to include Chris. Ouch. Way harsh, Des. So, yeah, we feel super bad for Chris. Not even an entire journal filled with his exquisitely shitty poetry can save him now.

On the bright side though, if either of the two guys stands a chance, it’s Chris. Obviously, Des feels very very very strongly for Brooks, but Chris is a distant second. So, that’s like kinda, sorta, not really, good-ish news, right?

How he could win:

Once Des’ tear ducts run dry and she goes through the five stages of grief, it’s possible that she talks herself into picking Chris because he’s a nice guy whose heart is in the right place. She may just be desperate and feel the need to latch onto someone, ANYONE. But, obviously, that would mean she’s settling. It’s mind-boggling to think that choosing Chris would be “settling” (have you seen those back muscles?), but he was never her first choice. Nonetheless, he could still win if Des stupidly convinces herself that she’s over Brooks and wants to be with Chris.

Chances of their (hypothetical) relationship lasting:

Um, no. Hell no. If, for whatever reason, she did pick him, their relationship is almost definitely, surely, inevitably going to end soon. There’s no way they would make it now that Chris has seen how Des feels about Brooks. Chris, like Gretchen Wieners’ father, the inventor of Toaster Strudel, would not be pleased to hear what Des had to say.

2. Drew

Drew

Last week: #3

Yeahh, Drew’s situation sucks too. He’s been led on just as badly, and he, like Chris, is completely oblivious. Also like Chris, he probably has the major sadz (or madz) watching this all on TV. Again, if we haven’t made it clear enough already, we would like to reiterate that Des is a life-ruiner. She ruins people’s lives.

On the not-so bright side though, Drew pretty much has no chance of winning this thing. He’s lagging too far behind Chris and Brooks. Keep your head up though, Drew. There is a silver lining. We just so happen to be single and we also have phone numbers that we can most certainly give you. Just hit us up on the Twitter machine.

…Did that reek of desperation? Oh well. Whatever.

How he could win:

Umm, idk. Maybe if we lived in an alternate universe. Or maybe if Chris and Brooks disappeared completely from the face of the Earth and Des got amnesia and forgot that she was obsessed with Brooks. And um, basically, a lot of other things would have to happen. But if Des did pick him, it would probably just be because she thinks he’s hot.

Chances of their (hypothetical) relationship lasting:

Not good. It would not last. It would fail. Miserably fail. Again, seeing Des gush about Brooks and then cry gallons of tears over him would probably not really strengthen their relationship. Just a hunch though.

Eliminated (maybe, I guess)

3. Brooks

Sad Brooks

What. A. Shitshow.

We aren’t going to hate on Brooks for leaving. We don’t blame him at all. If he didn’t feel that strongly for Des, then he had every right to leave. Sometimes that happens. Sometimes you love someone, and they don’t love you back. That happened to us in fourth grade once. It’s tough, but sometimes, that’s just the way the cookie crumbles (especially when you wear a fugly crop top and an even fuglier vest back-to-back).

HOWEVER, we ARE going to hate on Brooks if he comes back. Brooks, you made your decision. You can’t just decide to come back after stuttering your way through a torturous break-up. Your gut told you to leave, so stay gone.

How he could win:

If he decides to come back, and Des stupidly takes him back. That’s how.

Chances of their (hypothetical) relationship lasting:

Eh, maybe a 25 percent chance. It’s always possible that he truly does change his mind and they decide to take things slow. It could work out, but we wouldn’t put our money on it. If she does pick him, Brooks will probably start wavering again eventually, and the two will go their separate ways after yet another emotional, tear-filled break-up. And who knows … Brooks’ clean laundry might end up getting thrown out onto the street. That would be fun.

Moral of the story? Nobody wins here. But we’ll see you all on Monday anyway!

Want more Bachelor Burn Book? Follow us on Twitter @bachelorburnbk. We live tweet during every episode and offer our insights throughout the week on all things Bachelor-related.

Images on this blog are the property of ABC or their respectful owners.

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