Has hell frozen over? Is the end of the earth upon us? Because we’re pretty sure Chris Harrison promised us the “most dramatic season finale ever” and we’re fairly certain that this time he’s actually going to deliver. We just…we can’t even. Monday was just too much. We have a Bachelorette finale hangover and we’re only halfway through the finale.
Hey there, rock dwellers
Just in case you’ve been living under a rock or lost at sea or something, the Bachelorette producers provided us with a nice 11-minute recap of the whole season. Here’s our recap of the recap: blah blah blah shirtless Zak blah blah blah Bryden left blah blah blah James is a tool blah blah blah Des loves Brooks and only kinda loves Chris and Drew blah blah blah Drew has a hot body blah blah blah Chris wears lederhosen blah blah blah. That’s it. It took 11 minutes to do that on Monday and only 15 seconds to type it up now. Basically, it was one big long Des meets the guys, yada yada yada, now we’re in Antigua. Next time, just read our recaps and let’s use that time more wisely, like for, say, a montage of Juan Pablo pictures (don’t worry, here’s one to tide you over).
We included this because it’s a cardinal rule that you can’t mention Juan Pablo and not include a picture or something. That’s like Juan Pablo blue balls and no one likes a tease.
His abs, his eyes, his face, his body
These are all the things that Des likes about Drew. As an afterthought, she added that he makes her happy. One thing that’s not on her list? His picture taking skills.
Hey, Drew? You forgot to include half of Des’ face.
What else isn’t on her list? His limbo ability.
This is cheating.
THIS is how you limbo. If there were a limbo contest for Des’ heart, this guy would win and Drew would lose and it would be the most dramatic finale not just in Bachelorette history, but in all of television history.
Chris Harrison better watch his back
This guy is clearly gunning for his job. The Palm Frond Crafter made a rose AND a heart for Drew to give to Des. Chris Harrison only gives out roses.
Palm Frond Crafter 1, Chris Harrison 0
Palm Frond Crafter 2, Chris Harrison 0
However, the Palm Frond Crafter loses 3 points because he’s wearing a goofy palm frond hat. Chris Harrison would never allow such a silly head topper to cover up his gorgeous locks. The only things allowed to cover Chris Harrison’s body are exquisite pieces from the Chris Harrison Collection! Therefore, Chris Harrison gets one million points for just being a badass M.C./ clothing designer/ reality TV host.
It’s raining, it’s pouring, the old man is snoring
It’s raining, so Des takes Drew to the fantasy suite and then asks him if he wants to stay in the fantasy suite, which is usually not how it works, but whatevs, we’ll do anything for more Drew on our TV screen.
Drew doesn’t goof around. He’s like “I’m a dude and I would certainly like to stay the night with you.” Then they kick out the cameraman and Drew turns the light off and Des is all like, “it’s hot in here,” and we’re thinking that’s probably because she wore long pants to the beach and also because Drew’s kisses look pretty steamy.
Brooks is getting cold feet
Brooks stops by his mom’s house to discuss his feelings for Des. This is not good. He tells them he’s about to leave for his “exotic” date. Brooks’ sister knows that this obviously the boinking date. His mother is none the wiser.
Brooks seems like a thoughtful guy. He wants to make the right decision. He is clearly a rational dude. He’s just over thinking all of this. Brooks, you’ve been on approximately four dates with this girl. You don’t have to bow to the pressure of Bachelor World and propose if you don’t want to. You do, however, need to get a haircut because this ‘do just ain’t workin’.
Those rules are real. They were real the day that Karen wore a vest and Regina banned her from the lunch table and they’re real now. Des can’t sit with anyone because if you voluntarily put that vest on your body, you have to accept that there are consequences. The consequences are that you can’t sit with us and if we weren’t already invested in this season, we would stop watching because that vest is DISGUSTING. The end.
We’re really sorry we had to post a picture of that vest. Here’s a shot of Chris’ back muscles to make up for it.
Chris wrote another poem. Here’s our poem.
Brooks gets a counseling session with Chris Harrison, which DOES NOT usually happen, because Chris’ is services are usually reserved for the Bachelor/Bachelorette ONLY. But alas, he gets a powwow and Chris is not having with this. Here is a list of things Chris Harrison said to Brooks that showed us just how fed up Chris was (our theories of what Chris actually meant are in parenthesis) :
1. What is that feeling, explain that to me? What don’t you have? (Did you have to fly to Antigua to figure out you weren’t in love? Because the producers told me these quick trips are going to start coming out of my paycheck.)
2. So you’re not afraid to commit? (Because I totally believe you can’t commit. Coming on this show and quitting before the fantasy suite date is basically the definition of not committing.)
3. How does that weigh on you? (I hope it weighs heavily on you. If I, Chris Harrison, weren’t so damn classy, I would kick you where it hurts.)
4. As a man, it’s the conversation you have to have. (I’m reminding you you’re a man because you’re acting like a little girl right now, all teary and talking in circles.)
5. Pull yourself together. (Be a man, Brooks. Emily was more decisive and articulate than you.)
We tried to stop Des from meeting Brooks. We yelled at the TV. We threw things. We lost our voices shouting, but to no avail. She walked towards heartbreak like someone walking a plank. Poor Des. Poor, poor, poor Des.
See? The dock even kinda looks like a plank.
“Please don’t cry.”
Of course she’s going to cry, Brooks! You are breaking her heart! She wants the simple things! She was going to tell you she loved you in the fantasy suite! She wasn’t allowed to say anything! Why are you doing this to her?!
Also, she’s crying because your hair looks better than it ever has before and now you’re breaking up with her.
Life just isn’t fair.
Brooks didn’t just break Des’ heart, he broke America’s heart.
Including the heart of mothers everywhere. Here’s an actual text from one of our moms:
Bachelor Burn Book writer’s mom: Omg…just shove him off the dock!!
Bachelor Burn Book writer: no answer because too busy screaming/crying/throwing things.
Do it, Des. Mother knows best.
All the tears
Brooks is crying. Des is crying. We’re crying. You’re crying. The camera man is probably crying. Here are pictures of people crying, because that’s basically what we watched for the next 20 minutes.
Des drops a bombshell when Brooks asks her what she’s going to do. She admits she didn’t want to share her heart. Every date, she’d wished he was there. That it was him all along. She was so sure and he was so not. And then she’s like, “
go away, Brooks. Let me sob in peace.”
“For me, it’s over”
Wait, it’s over? We thought we had three more hours left next week. Guess we can all go home now.
She asked me how to spell orange.
This is the place where we’ll highlight the stupidest thing said on each episode, like when Karen asked Damien how to spell orange.
Nope. Not this week, dear readers. Usually, Brooks supplies this segment because he’s a big goofball, but unfortunately, he didn’t say anything dumb while he was stomping on Des’ heart. Keep your fingers crossed Drew or Chris says something dumb next week or else this part of the post will be retired until next season.
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